Blind Dates
by tiffaninichole
Summary: Bella's a homebody who wants to be left alone. Her friends set out to change that by convincing her into going on a blind date every Saturday, until she finds true love. She's about to find out just how shallow the dating pool really is...
1. The BABY!

**A/N:**

**Alright my lovelies, this is my first multi chapter fic and I have a lot in store for Miss Bella *laughs maniacally* Don't expect any angst here, this is pure fluff, fun and ridiculous situations. Join Bella as she navigates the world of dating ^_^**

o~O~o

"Aaaah... Oh... Oh yeah. Just how I like it. Feels so good. Mmmm."

I love the way bubble baths feel. So relaxing after a hard week's work. I sit back and inhale the vanilla and brown sugar scent of my favorite bath soap. Mmmm, yeeaah.

I make a mental checklist of things I need to do tomorrow. Re-organize my closet and kitchen pantry... Go return a few books to the library. Can't have any overdue books on my clean record... Get some sun-dried tomatoes and feta cheese from the market... Watch _Chopped _on The Food Network. Love those shows... Buy a new air freshener for my car. Oh! I need a toothbrush too. It's been the ADA recommended three months... Pre-pack my lunches for the week. It saves so much money and time... Hmm, I think I'll buy a food dehydrator and a vacuum sealer...

My arm reaches out and grabs my newest purchase: _The Dome_ by Stephen King. Each week I buy a book to read for my Friday night bubble baths. I usually get so engrossed in the words on the page, that I finish in one night.

I look back at the clock and take note of the time. 8:26 p.m. I'm surprised Rose, Alice and Angela haven't called yet. Bitches are always hounding me to go out. Can't they see that I just wanna relax? My eyes flutter closed and I sigh contentedly as I feel the tension leaving my body. Oh yeah. I pop open the book, excited to conquer my latest find. Two pages in and someone's pounding on my door, pulling me out of the captivating world that Stephen King has created. What. The. Fuck?!

I decide to keep reading. Probably some drunk fool with the wrong address. One sentence later and the pounding continues relentlessly.

"Belllllaaaa! Bella, open the door! We know you're in there, skank!"

I scowl towards the front door. Alice. Fucking midget. Maybe if I stay super quiet, she'll think I went out for the night...

"Bellllaaaa!!! I'm not leaving and I know your funky ass is in there! I'll pound on the door all night if I have to!"

I sigh loudly and growl and grumble while I throw my robe on and head to the door, wrenching it open forcefully. I plan on cussing Alice out, but before I can even open my mouth, Alice, Rose and Angela barge into my house with duffle bags and caboodle cases. The hell?

"Uh, what the hell are you guys doing? What is all this crap? Shouldn't you guys be at the club?"

"What we are doing, Bella," Rose points a finger at me accusingly, "is making you get a social life. No arguments. We won't take no for an answer."

Angela walks toward me and places a gentle hand on my shoulder. "We love you, Bella. You can't coop yourself up in the house all the time. You have to get out there and experience life. You're so young, have fun!"

Alice grabs my hand and walks me over to the couch. "Bells-a-boo, we wanna make a deal with you. Hear us out because we won't back down on this."

I sigh and throw myself back into the couch and throw my hands over my head.

"Fine. What? What's the deal?"

Alice smiles brightly and squeaks out, "Are you agreeing?!?!"

"Yeah, Alice. Damn. Get on with it."

"Okay, so, as you know, you never go out. When was the last time you had sex, Bells?"

"Fuck that," Rose interrupts. "When was the last time you even kissed someone, Bella?"

I think back to the last time I was kissed... Hmm... Last Christmas, under the mistletoe. Damn, nine months ago?!

"That long, huh?" Angela asks, voice filled with pity.

"En-tee-way, as I was saying," I look at Alice hesitantly, "you need to get out more. So from now on, we'll be setting you up on a blind date every Saturday."

"The hell?! EVERY Saturday? Are you guys freakin crazy?! No. Effin. Way!"

I can't believe them! Blind dates? I'm not that damn pathetic. I'm single because I _choose _to be, damn it!

"Isabella, you already agreed remember?"

"Yeah, Rose, but that was before I knew you'd be setting me up with freaks every weekend!"

"So what if a few of them turn out to be all wrong for you, it's not like you have to marry them. This is just for fun, plus, you get a free three course meal every Saturday. It's a win-win!" Damn Alice and her skills of persuasion.

I huff in annoyance and roll my eyes until they damn near pop out of my head.

"Fine!"

My three friends burst into hysterics. The room explodes with screaming, clapping and jumping like I just won a goddamn Oscar or something. Is my life that sad? Apparently so...

They then spend the next three hours tweezing, waxing, plucking, oiling and exfoliating me from head to toe until I'm about to knock a bitch out. Why am I letting them do this again?

"Okay, I've had enough! What the fuck, am I? Flavor Flav's long-lost white sister?! I don't need all of these stupid, ridiculous... superfluous beautifying treatments for someone I'm only gonna see one time!"

"Oooh, someone's a groopy grump! Turn that frown upside down!"

"Alice, if you keep talking like Barney, I swear I'll knock you into another nationality!"

They're seriously tap dancing on my last nerve and I'm gonna snap. Angela slowly backs away from me with her hands in the air like I'm about to rob her or something. I roll my eyes.

"Fine. We'll leave for now, but we'll be back tomorrow night before the date for hair, makeup, clothes and accessories"

"Thanks Al. Who am I going out with tomorrow, anyway?"

"His name is Michael," Rose says. "He went to high school with Em."

"So is he cute?" I ask.

"Yeah, REALLY freakin cute! I've only talked to him a few times, but he's cool. Don't worry about it, just have fun and see how it pans out."

I sigh in defeat. "Fine, I will. Now I need to sleep, you guys have ruined my night and I just need to lie down."

They all stand up to leave. As Rose is walking to the door, she stops mid-step, looks me up and down and says, "Hopefully you'll get those cobwebs knocked out of your cooch tomorrow."

"Get the hell out, skank!"

She laughs. "Fine, fine. I'm goin, I'm goin."

Alice gives me a hug and whispers, "You're gonna do great, this will be great for you Bells-a-boo. You took this a lot better than we thought you would. It's a sign, Bella. Your subconscious is telling you that you need this"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye Al."

They all shuffle out the door talking animatedly about what treatments and products they're gonna use on me tomorrow. I sink into my couch and put my face in my hands. What have I gotten myself into?

o~O~o

The next day flies by, much to my chagrin. It's five in the evening and I'm watching a Tivo'd episode of _Down Home with the Neely's_ on The Food Network. They're making barbeque spaghetti and it looks good as hell. I'm licking my lips and salivating, wishing I could taste it. Smell it. Yum.

There's a knock on my door and I already know who it is. I roll my eyes, sigh and lazily pick myself up off the couch. It's gonna be a long night. I open the door and, once again, my friends come barging through. They get to it right away, no "hello's" or anything. I'm being pulled into my room. Curling irons, flat irons and blow dryers are being plugged in. Clothing is being tossed onto my bed and makeup is being chosen. All without my input of course. Grrr.

Twenty minutes later, Rose is doing something with my hair, Alice is commanding the makeup and Angela is giving me a mani-pedi. I didn't even get to pick the damn polish color! Damn Alice and her stupid, picky fashionista ways.

Two hours later and Alice deems their work officially done. I roll my eyes. What'd I look like before? Quasi Moto? I look in the vanity mirror and must say, they did a good job. My hair looks extra thick and super freakin' shiny. Like, mirror shiny. Whoa. I can't stop looking at it. I lift my hand to touch it because it looks silky soft.

"Ah, ah, ah! Don't you dare, Isabella Marie! No mussing up the hair!"

I roll my eyes. Stupid Alice. Won't even let me touch my own damn hair. I grumble and stand to look in my floor-length mirror and get a better view of the whole look. I look pretty damn hot, if I do say so myself. Smoky eyes, pale lips, some kind of loose looking, fancy half up-half down ponytail type hairstyle and a cute frilly dress.

"You look bangin', Bella!"

"Thanks, Rose."

They have me do a twirl to inspect me and make sure nothing was out of place.

"Alright chica, we're all done and he should be here any minute so--"

She was cut off by my house phone ringing, so I go to answer it. It's probably Charlie.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Isabella?"

"Yes, this is she..."

"Okay, good. Um, this is Michael. We're going on a date tonight...?"

"Oh! Yeah, hi! Is something wrong?"

"Oh no, nothing like that. I won't be able to make it, though. Can you come over to my place?"

"Um, I don't know about that."

"Please? I'll be on my best behavior. I'll give you my address and you can give it to your friends, so they can know where you are."

Well, that's reasonable.

"Okay Michael, I'll come."

"Great! Thanks!"

He then gives me his address and we hang up.

"WELL???" Alice practically screams.

"He can't make it to the restaurant, so he wants me to meet him at his place. I have his address and I'll write it down for you guys, so you know where I am," I shrug.

They look kind of hesitant but agree to let me go. I inwardly roll my eyes. Like they could stop me if I really wanted to go, anyway. I'm a grown ass woman. I give them his address and phone number and head out to my car, putting the address in my GPS. Twenty minutes later, I pull up to his place. Nice. I knock on the door and a tall man with clear blue eyes and sandy blonde hair answers the door. Double nice!

"Ah, you must be Isabella!" he says while shaking my hand.

"And you must be Michael." I smile flirtatiously at him. "But please, call me Bella."

"Alright, Beautiful Bella," he winks at me. "Let's head on down to the basement. Wanna watch a movie?"

"Oh, sure."

We walk in silence until we get to the basement. Wow. It's all decked out with couches, a dining table, a fridge, a bed in the corner. This must be where his friends hang out.

"Whoa, Michael, this is ALL decked out! I'm impressed!"

He smiles sheepishly. "It's nothin'...so you wanna pick out a movie? Anything you like."

He shows me his collection and sits on a sofa. I walk over and look at the DVDs, all in alphabetical order. He's very neat. I like it! I finally decide on _Fun With Dick & Jane_. Nothing like a funny ass movie on a first date. I pop the movie in and sit next to Michael.

While the previews are playing, I ask him, "So why weren't you able to make it? Is something wrong with your car?"

"Ah, no. My car's fine."

Oooookaaaay.

"Then why weren't you able to make it?"

"I'm grounded," he shrugs.

Oh hell no. I know I didn't just hear what I thought I heard...

"Grounded?"

"Yeah..."

"Um, how old are you?"

"I'm 26, why?"

Why? Maybe because you're almost thirty and Mommy has forbidden your grown, crusty ass from leaving the house?

"Uuuuhhh...."

"MIKEY!!!"

"Oh, there's my mom. DOWN HERE, MA!"

I hear someone walking down the stairs

"Oh, Mikey, I didn't know you had a girlfriend! And a pretty one, too! Well, don't be scared! Gimme a huggie!"

Is she serious? "Mikey" is looking at me expectantly, so I hesitantly get up and give her a hug. She smells like cookies.

"Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend? Are you guys having sex?" She turns to me. "I keep bugging Mikey to make me some grandbabies, but he just ignores me. I think he wants me to be lonely for the rest of my life."

Her eyes tear up and I don't know what the fuck to do. I say the first thing that comes to mind.

"Well, I'm sure you'll get some grandkids sometime soon."

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to shoot myself. Multiple times.

Her eyes light up like the 4th of July and she claps her hands together in elation.

"Oh, MIKEY!" She runs over and hugs Michael.

"Ma, calm down, okay? I'm hungry. Can you make us some dinner? Oh, and my laundry's over there..." He points to a dirty clothes hamper in the corner. What the fuck? Mama's boy to the max. Grown ass man can't even wash his own funky tighty-whities?

"Ma" leaves the room and I sit on the couch in front of the TV, pretending the last fifteen minutes didn't happen.

"So, Bella, do you want kids?"

Is he serious?

"No, Mike. Never," I lie.

"That's too bad. Your hips are perfect for having babies."

Did this mofo just call me fat?! Before I can even speak, "Ma" comes bounding down the stairs.

"Alright, you two love birds, dinner's ready! I made your favorite, Mikey. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas."

"Where's the ketchup?"

"Oh, I forgot. I'll be right back my princey-pooh"

"MA! I told you don't call me that when we have company! GOSH!"

"I'm sorry Mikey, I forgot," she says while pinching his cheek.

He smiles at her and kisses her cheek before she leaves the room. Whoa. Is this guy seriously twenty-six? Really?

"My mom's the best cook ever!" He beams with pride while stuffing his face. I have to admit, it IS really good.

After we've cleaned our plates, Michael yells,"MA! WE'RE DONE! TIME FOR DESSERT!" Is he freakin serious?

Not even thirty seconds later, "Ma" is rushing down the stairs.

"I brought cookies! Peanut butter, Mikey's favorite, and sugar. Everyone likes sugar cookies! Eat up dear, you're eating for two!"

I damn near choke on my cookie and Michael pats my back.

"Oh, no! The baby! Michael, hit her back HARDER, damn it! Don't let her choke! THE BAAAABY!!!"

Michael hits me hard as hell on my back and I think it's gonna bruise. Fucker. "Ma" disappears from sight and comes back with a glass of water.

"I was so worried! Oh, thank goodness you and the baby are okay!"

"Uuuuhhh...."

"Oh! Mikey, I almost forgot. Did you use your penis cream this evening?"

Penis cream? Oh. Hell. No.

She looks at me and says, "My Mikey's so forgetful. The doctor says he has to use the cream six times a day and if I don't stay on top of him about it, that rash will never heal!"

"MA! That's enough!" he yells.

Her eyes tear up and she runs up the stairs.

"Ma! Wait!" Michael runs after her and that's when I see it. Another door.

I grab my purse and some cookies, 'cause they're gooey and good as hell, and rush over to the mystery door. I don't give a damn if it leads me to Narnia, I need to get the hell out of here! I open it and almost cry happy tears. Outside! Yes!!! The door is on the side of the house, so I run to the front where my car is, get in and skid the hell out.

Oh, my God. What kind of fuckery is this? My phone rings and I'm pretty sure it's Michael. I turn it off and hit the gas. I'm not slowing down until my ass is home. Michael might follow me. Who the hell am I kidding? He's fucking grounded! I laugh out loud, a deep belly laugh that brings tears to my eyes. When I get home my phone is ringing, I walk over and see the caller ID. Alice. I pick up.

"Alice, I'm home. It didn't work out, he's a total... I don't even have words. Don't ask, I don't wanna talk about it." I hang up before she can say anything.

I plop down on my couch, pick up my book and start to read, willing this night to be over.

o~O~o

The next week passes without incident. My phone stays ringing off the hook. All week Rose, Angela, Alice, Michael and "Ma" have been calling nonstop. My friends left messages asking what happened, Michael left messages asking what he did wrong, and "Ma" keeps begging me not to take her grandbaby away from her and not to starve the baby.

Saturday evening rolls around and I decide to organize my scrapbooking collection when there's a knock on the door.

"Bellaaa! Bella, it's us! We've given you your space now let us in so we can get you ready! You have a date tonight! Don't think you're getting out of it!"

Oh. Hell. No.

o~O~o

**A/N:**

**So there ya have it, Bella's first blind date from hell. What other weirdos are in Bella's future? Only time will tell :-)**

**What was your worst date ever? Maybe I'll use some of your horror stories and make Miss Swan suffer too. Hehehe!**

**Check out my one shot for The Littlest Peen Contest (it's in my profile) called The Motion in the Ocean and show me some lurve!**

**Twifans4Haiti is still going on, the deadline has been extended. So if you wanna feast your eyes to over 200 one shots, donate $5 dollars or more to the cause. I contributed a one shot myself entitled Earthquake that I'm most likely not gonna post here. It's exclusively in the Twifans4Haiti compilation. So donate, and make yourself feel warm and fuzzy inside! Visit mskathyff(dot)blogspot(dot)com for more information.**

**As always, props to my kickassingly awesome beta coachlady1, who coddled me while I threw tantrums and whined while writing this chapter. Srsly.**

**Now it's fic recommendation time! Yay!**

**Nighthawks and Wonderwalls by CherBella**

**Purgatory: A Love Story by americanxidiot**

**My Life to Be by sleepyvalentina**

**The Delivery by Savannah-Vee**

**...Until next time, babes! Smooches!**


	2. Werewolves and Baby Talk

September 5

Dear Diary,

Today I was set up with a guy named Quil. The date started off normal enough that is until he insisted on cutting my steak and calling me "Isabewa." The baby talk really shocked me. Who the hell talks like that? "Does Isabewa wike her steaky-wakey?" "Would Isabewa like some more wa-wa with her din-din?" Before I got arrested for assault and battery, I excused myself to the restroom, and when he then proceeded to ask me if I would "need my cute widdle hiney wiped," I declined and fought hard as hell not to stab him with my fork.

On the way to the ladies room, our waitress stopped me and told me that my date had set a bottle and pacifier on my plate, and asked if I would need her assistance in escaping. I almost turned into a lesbian right then and there, I was so happy. She put a table cloth over my head, snuck me out of the back door and called a taxi for me. I gave her a $50 tip.

----------------

September 12

Dear Diary,

I was really adamant about not going on any more dates, but, of course, the girls wouldn't let me out of it. Today I went on a date with Marcus, a successful businessman. He had a private jet and flew us to Vegas to gamble and dine at Bobby Flay's restaurant. It was really exciting, being in a private jet for the first time. And I'm a huge Food Network fan, so the thought of eating Bobby Flay's creations had me salivating and glowing with anticipation. When the jet landed, we were greeted by a limo. I was so impressed. Who wouldn't be, right?

After we got into the limo, he said we had to make a stop before dinner. He was very affectionate, kissing my hand, caressing my cheek, etc. At this point, I was swooning and picking China patterns for the wedding. The limo stopped, we got out, and he held my hand as we walked into a tuxedo shop. I asked him if he was going to be in a wedding and he told me he was. The tuxedo shop guy came into the fitting room with us and congratulated us on our upcoming nuptials. My date kissed my hand, looked at the tuxedo guy and corrected him by saying, and I quote, "Oh, this is my date and future girlfriend. My fiancée's back home."

I'm sure my eyes were close to popping out of my head at this point. Engaged?! Oh. Hell. No. When the fitting was done, I was fuming and my date asked me if the tux looked good on him. The fucking nerve! I almost caught a case, but had to stop myself because I was stuck here. How the hell would I get home all the way from Vegas? Plus, I was gonna get me some of Bobby Flay's food, damnit! At the restaurant, I ordered eight appetizers, six main courses and seven desserts. He was pissed and I left the Mesa Grill with the best "doggy bag" in history. Boo yow!

On the drive back to the private jet, his fiancée called, and he told her that he was on a last minute business trip, but he'd be home in a few hours and he promised to "make her scream his name." I excused myself to the jet bathroom and stayed on the toilet until it landed. Upon landing, I caught a cab and never answered his 26 calls. The plus side? I had a week's worth of fuckawesome food.

----------------

September 19

Dear Diary,

Today, my date was Caius. What the hell kind of name is that? Anyway, he took me to a catfish restaurant and it was pretty decent. He was a really nice and preppy guy. His jokes were really funny and the conversation was never dull. He was a very handsome, intellectual and interesting guy. Caius was definitely someone I could go out with again.

Throughout the dinner, his phone kept ringing, so he put it on vibrate. After about the twelfth vibrate, I could see he was getting annoyed. I told him it was okay to answer it if it was important. He thanked me and answered the phone, and I'll try to quote the conversation as best I can, since it's still kinda fresh in my memory. Keep in mind we're in a family-style restaurant...

"Hello?"

Pause

"BITCH! I told your raggedy ass not to call me!"

Pause

"I don't give a FUCK! You know that ain't my baby!"

Pause

"Bitch, I'm not goin' through this a-motherfuckin-gin!"

Pause

"I told ya dumb ass I was on a date tonight. Can't you see I'm tryin' to get me some pussy?!"

Pause

"Please. PLEASE, I'm BEGGIN' you! Do NOT make me choke ya ass again!"

Pause

"Hell no! Quit beggin'! STUPID ass bitch!"

He hung up the phone, smiled at me and said, "Now, where were we, Beautiful?"

I excused myself to the bathroom, aka the kitchen, and ran the fuck out of the back door. The whole way home, I was thanking Jeebus that he didn't know my number or address.

--------------

September 26

Dear Diary,

Embry was his name. He was tall, dark and handsome. We went to a Jazz club and watched a live band. It was so cool and I really enjoyed myself. The drinks were flowing, the food was great and the band was amazing. I noticed Embry was drinking a LOT, but figured he could hold his liquor since he was so huge. I was wrong. So very wrong. By midnight the band was done and so was Embry. He couldn't form a coherent sentence and looked like his limbs were made of jelly. It took all of my strength to walk him to my car, damn near breaking my legs in the process.

I couldn't leave him in the parking lot, and I damn sure wasn't taking a drunken man back to my place. I took his wallet out of his pocket to look at the address on his driver's license. When we got there, we stumbled for about 20 minutes before we got to the door. By this point, I felt like my back was gonna break from his 250 plus pounds hanging loosely over my shoulders. We got into the door and he plopped down on the couch. I noticed his breathing was steady and I was sure he was unconscious. I wanted to leave but needed to be sure he didn't have alcohol poisoning or something, so I tried to wake him. After a few tries, he still wasn't waking up, so I started shaking him with more force, slapping him and yelling his name.

I didn't get a chance to turn on the lights when we came in, so the room was illuminated by the moonlight. Being in a strange house in the dark was kinda creepy. I started slapping and yelling again but stopped dead in my tracks when I heard growling coming from somewhere. Slowly a huge ass wolf stalked out of the shadows, growling at me with its teeth bared. The wolf stopped about a foot away from me and its eyes were glowing with anger. I pissed myself right then and there and didn't give a damn either. You woulda pissed yourself if this thing was growling at you, too. Don't judge me, Diary. Bitch.

Anyway, for seven hours I kept inhumanly still to keep the 200 pound snarling wolf from ripping my body into unrecognizable pieces. Embry finally woke up and I slowly and calmly (as to not upset the mean wolf) told him to get that thing away from me. When he left the room with the Clydesdale/wolf crossbreed, I flew out of there faster than you could say "fuck my life."

He never called to apologize. What a dick.

------------

"You have one new message," the automated lady's voice told me when I checked my voicemail.

"Bella!" Rose's voice yelled into my ear. "We're sparing you a horrible date night! We're all going out tonight, just us girls. Meet us at my place in an hour. Alice says you get to pick your own outfit, since you've been through hell these last few weeks. But we're still doing your hair and makeup. Be here or be queer, skank!" Beep.

Well, at least I won't have to worry about any disaster dates tonight. A night out with the girls sounds really good right about now. I dress myself in a bustier that Alice said made my boobs like, fab and low rise jeans and my favorite Jimmy Choos. Alice will be proud.

An hour later we're all gathered at Rosalie's place, dancing around to Danity Kane's "Strip Tease," getting ourselves ready for the night. Two hours later and we're at the club ordering drinks. I order a Screaming Orgasm. I wish I could have a REAL screaming orgasm. A huge ass guy grabs Rose and pulls her to the dance floor. She must think he's hot or she would've punched him in his Little Mister. I'm cradling my Screaming Orgasm at the bar, watching my girls dance under the strobe lights to Young Money's "Bedrock."

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see a gorgeous, jaw-dropping smile. I think I drool a little. He leans toward me and puts his mouth to my ear. Swoon.

"Wanna dance?"

I nod dumbly and he leads me to the dance floor. "Promise" by Ciara blares through the speakers. I love this song!

I turn my back to him and start moving my hips to the sound of the beat. He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me closer as we move together. My temperature is rising as the song progresses, sweat making my skin glow under the strobe lights. He slowly runs his hands up and down my sides as I sway seductively under his fingertips. I moan and lean my head back into his chest while grinding myself into his now bulging pants. He dips his face into the crook of my neck and I reach my arms behind me to tangle them in his silky hair. I've never danced like this before. No insecurities. Just letting go and feeling sexy as hell.

He licks my neck and I buck my hips back into him. I want him. Now. By this time another song has started playing, but I don't hear (or give a damn) what it is. He reaches his hands down to my thighs and squeezes and kneads them while working my neck with his tongue. I haven't had a man's tongue on me in so long; I think I may orgasm right here on the dance floor. His hands are all over me, caressing me and I damn near beg for more.

Someone grabs my arm and starts pulling me away from my dream man. What the fuck? I look at the hand attached to my arm and see Alice. She gives me a sheepish smile. I want to murder her. I look back for my guy and see him trying to fight his way through the crowd to get to me. By the time Alice drags me to the door, the crowd is too thick around my guy and he can't make it through. He lifts his head to try and see where I am, and I wave my arms like a crazy person, but I don't think he sees me. I want to cry. But first, Alice must die.

"What the FUCK, Alice?! Why would you do that?!"

"Bella, you're drunk and I don't want you doing something you'll regret."

"I'm NOT drunk! I had less to drink than any of you bitches! I felt a connection, Alice, and now I'll never see him again!" I quickly stomp past her to my car, too angry to speak. I know if I say something now, it'll be mean and malicious and I'll regret it.

-------------

A few days later, Alice calls to apologize, and I tell her it's okay, even though it isn't. I still haven't forgotten about him. His smell, his smile, the way his hands felt on my body...

"Bella? Did you hear me?"

"No. What?"

"I said I have a great date picked out for you tomorrow. I know him personally, so you don't have to worry about baby talk or big, bad werewolves growling at you in the dark," she snickers. Bitch. "He's really handsome, funny, and sweet. Everything a girl could ask for. And you're going out with him tomorrow."

I sigh in exasperation, "Fine. Sounds good I guess. What's his name?"

"Jacob!"

-----------------

Dun, dun, DUN!!! Will she hit it off with Jake or will he be another weirdo? Only time will tell. Hehehe!

I don't plan on making this a long story, maybe 16 chapters or so. It'll be a short little fic :-)

If you haven't read GYNAZOLE by , read it. NOW. You'll laugh till you puke. Well, maybe not puke, but it's funny as hell! But for real, though... you'll probably piss yourself. Srsly.

Props and boob flashes to my beta coachlady1, the kool to my aide, who has the patience of a saint and eyes like an eagle.

Check out my one shot for The Littlest Peen Contest called The Motion in the Ocean and leave me some lurve! Until next time! Smooches!


	3. Jokes and Bright Lights

"So you're seriously not on Facebook **or** Myspace?!"

"Uh, no. It's just not my scene. Is that a problem?"

"No, not a problem, I guess. Just weird. Really weird."

"Oh," I say while cracking a smile, "so I'm a weirdo now?"

He laughs. He has a nice laugh, deep and rich.

"Well, I didn't say those words. But since you mentioned it..."

"Jacob! Shut it, mister, or our date's off for tonight!"

"Hey! You don't play fair!"

"Didn't your mom ever tell you? All's fair in love and war."

"So you love me, huh? Look, Bella, I'm flattered and all. But I just don't see you that way."

"Ha. Ha." I laugh dryly. "You wish. Where are we going tonight anyway?"

"Only the best freakin' place e-ver! But I'm not tellin', Miss Bella. I **will **tell you to dress casually, though. Jeans, t-shirt and ponytail-type casual."

"Wow. I think I really **do** love you now. My kinda guy! Well. I hate to rush off the phone, Mr. Black, but I have a super busy schedule to adhere to before our big date tonight. There's laundry to do and Food Network to watch."

"So you're dissin' me for TV and crusty socks? Miss Swan, my heart is breaking! Alright, I'll see you tonight. Pick you up at your place, 6 o'clock, right?"

"Right...bye, Jacob."

"See ya, Miss Swan."

I hang up and smile. He's such a nice guy. For the last week we've been talking daily, sometimes multiple times a day and he always makes me smile. Jacob got my number from Alice, insisting we get to know each other before our first date. Not a bad idea at all. It's been refreshing getting to know who I'm dating before actually meeting him. Even though I've grown pretty comfortable talking with Jacob, I'm still nervous about the date. I don't wanna screw up and have him think I'm a pistachio nut.

I pick up the phone and dial Alice's number; she always knows what to say to make me feel better. My brows knit together as I hear the voicemail prompt. Weird. She always picks up the phone. In all of our years being friends, she's never **not **answered the phone. There's even been a few times when I had horrible timing and called while she and Jasper were...in the throes of passion...and she even answered the phone then. The moaning and wet sounds traumatized the shit out of me. Thinking about it makes me shudder. She's never without her phone, always sneaking and talking while on planes, in church, at work...the girl has a big damn mouth. I hope she's okay; this just isn't right. I try one more time. Voicemail again. Hmmm…I decide to leave a message, telling her how worried I am and to call me back ASAP so I know she's okay.

I spend the rest of the day doing laundry, watching reruns of _Chopped_and thinking of Club Guywhile folding my clothes. When I pair the last two socks, I look up at the time and realize it's time to start getting ready. I find myself wondering what Club Guy is doing right now. Does he ever think of me? I snap myself out of this train of thought because I can spend hours daydreaming about him. I didn't get a good look at him because the club was so dark, but I remember his gorgeous smile.

I walk to my room, thinking of what to wear. Jake and I agreed to wear shirts with quotes from our favorite movies. I can't wait to see what his says. I snicker as I pull my shirt out of the drawer. It's a quote from _Team America: World Police_, one of the most hilarious, dumbest movies ever.

"America... F%#k Yeah!" my shirt says in bright red, white, and blue letters.

I start loudly singing the song, flailing around while pulling on my "cute butt" jeans.

"America...FUCK YEAH! Freedom is the only way, yeah. Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to...America...FUCK YEAH! So lick my butt and suck on my balls--"

I'm yanked out of my super fun times by the phone ringing. This better be good, interrupting my fuckawesome song. While rushing to the phone, I slap on some lip gloss. Rose's name is on the caller ID. I answer the phone and sing:

"America! FUCK YEAH!"

"Oh, God. Not that song again. If I have to hear it one more time! Oh no, you're not wearing that retarded shirt on your date, are you?"

"FUCK YEAH!"

She groans and I laugh.

"ROSE! Where are you scallywags? I'm here getting dressed with no assistance!"

"Bella, I can't make it tonight. I'm...busy."

"Busy, huh? AKA having sex. Who is it, skank?"

"Uh, not now."

I gasp, "He's **there** with you?! How long have you been seeing him?"

I hear the phone moving around and her muffled giggling.

"Okay, I do **not **need to hear this. Bye Rose."

"Oh, wait, Bella! Ange can't make it either. She and Ben are having a date night. So...*giggle* Emmeeett! Stop! Looks like it's just you and Big Al tonight."

Emmett? She's never mentioned him before. He must be something special to have her acting like a schoolgirl.

"She's not here and she's not answering her phone. I'm kinda worried," I tell Rose.

"Huh?! Oh. Hmmm, *giggle* I'm sure she's okay. *double giggle* But um, I can't make it. Uuuum...ohhhh...ooooh...mmmm...Eeeemmmett."

Grody.

"You filthy, dirty whore! You better give me all the details tomorrow. I'm hanging up now. I've had enough hearing my friends having sex to last a lifetime."

I hang up and walk back to my closet to pick out some shoes. Chuck's or Air Force Ones? I think I'll go with the AF1's tonight. Yeah. I walk to my bathroom to put my hair in a ponytail. Should it be a low and simple pony or a high pony with swooped bangs? I'm feeling lazy so low and simple it is. Jacob **did** say casual, after all. I look at the clock: 5:37. Still enough time to toast some S'mores Pop Tarts. Yum-o.

The doorbell rings and I take a deep, shaky breath. I hope he isn't a nutcase. I walk to the door and open it. And gasp.

"I know you!"

"Yeah, you look really familiar too."

He looks at my shirt and cracks up.

"Holy shit! I love that movie! 'I'll put a jihad on you!'" We both laugh and I look at his shirt.

"'Graduate of The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.' Hahaha! Glad to know you can read good." I laugh and give him my best Zoolander face. By the time I invite him in, we're both laughing hard.

While he walks around my living room, I check him out. He's very tall, at least 6'7". Beautiful tan skin, dark hair, really muscular, lips I wouldn't mind sucking on...huh? Where did **that **come from?

When he's done evaluating my living space, he walks over to me and says, "So, do you believe in love at first sight...or do I need to walk by again?"

I laugh. "Seriously?"

He smiles brightly, "Well, it was worth a try."

"So, ready to go?"

"After you, Miss Swan."

We walk in silence to the car.

"Camaro? Nice!"

"Thanks! I love my baby," he says while affectionately patting the hood. "She's my most prized possession. Maybe soon, she'll be my **second** most prized possession."

I blush and hurry into the car so he won't see.

He laughs and gets in. "Blushing, Miss Swan?"

"Shut it, Black!"

The ride to the amusement park is filled with movie quotes, dirty jokes and laughter. Jacob's so easy and fun to be around. Before I know it, he's parking the car and I look around to see where we are.

"An amusement park?"

"Hells yeah, Bella! We're gonna have fun tonight!"

"I can't wait!"

The next few hours are spent on rollercoasters, ferris wheels, bumper cars and stuffing our faces full of corn dogs and cotton candy. Someone announces that the park is closing in 20 minutes. I pout, sad to see this date coming to an end.

"Aw, Bella, don't be sad. Come here," he drags me over to a booth where players have to shoot into a clown's mouth to fill up a balloon.

"Let's make a bet."

"What kind of bet?" I ask while giving him the side eye.

"If I win, you have to kiss me."

"And if I win?"

"You _get_ to kiss me," he laughs and I roll my eyes.

"**When** Iwin, _you_ have to make me dinner on our next date."

He beams at me. "Are you asking me out, Swan?"

I smile at him before picking up a water gun. "Maybe I am, Black. Now, let's go!"

I forgot to mention to Jacob that I'm super competitive and hate losing. My balloon's filling up pretty damn fast. I silently thank all of those shooting lessons Charlie made me take. I spare a glance at Jacob's balloon and see he's catching up to me really fast. Shit! I snap my head back to my own balloon and squint my eyes in concentration. I. Will. Not. Lose! Just then the siren wails and announces me the winner.

"YIPPEEE!!!" I scream while doing a combination of the Running Man and Cabbage Patch. "Take THAT, Black! I WON! Fuck yeah! Eat my fucking dust! No one can beat me! Resistance is futile!"

The booth guy reaches out to hand me my four-inch-tall teddy bear and I snatch it from him.

"Victory is MINE!" I yell, tap dancing around Jacob.

He laughs at me and grabs me by my waist, "Are your parents retarded, Swan? 'Cause you sure are special."

I hit his chest and laugh, giddy because of my win. Oh yeah. I'm awesome.

Dear Diary,

Hey Diary! Sorry I haven't written to you in a while. Remember Jacob? Well, for the last few weeks, Jake and I have spent any time we can together. We've been practically joined at the hip and I love it. We've become incredibly close. He's funny, smart, respectful, and incredibly handsome. He really makes me happy, Diary. And it's a wonderful feeling. I find myself smiling for no reason nowadays.

Last week, he took me on a picnic and told me he was "in like with me" and asked me to be his girlfriend. How cute is that?! He's so thoughtful and sweet. Sigh. He's coming over tonight so we can watch a "Best Movies Ever Marathon." We collectively agreed on ten movies including _Superbad_, _Fanboys_, _Grandma's Boy_, _Tropic Thunder_, _Me, Myself & Irene_,_Planes, Trains &__Automobiles_and a few others. I can't wait! It seems like all we do is laugh, kiss and dry-hump. He's such a good kisser. And a great humper. Makes me wonder how much dry-humping he's done in his life. Hmmm...

I think Charlie has someone following me, though. I told him I have a boyfriend and then I noticed this car has been following me. He's probably run all kinds of background checks on Jake too. Good ol', overprotective cop-dad :-)

Anyway, I could really fall for this guy, Diary. Well, gotta go. Popcorn's ready!

"Alice, what the hell is going on? We've hardly talked for weeks, your voicemail picks up all the time. I miss you, A."

"Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss you too. I've just been busy...with planning a party..."

"A party? Party for what?"

"Oh...for my aunt in Wisconsin. I'm really busy, Bells. Can I call you later?"

I huff in frustration, "Fine, Alice. Bye."

I hang up the phone, highly frustrated. She's been so distant lately, always preoccupied. And she looks like hell. What the hell is happening with her?

"Hey babe, ready to go?" Jake asks as he comes out of the bathroom. I look at him suggestively and arch my brow as he pulls up his fly.

"See something you like?"

"Nope," I smile. "Let's go."

While driving to the movie theater, I notice someone following my car again and shake my head. Damn, Charlie, he's not a murderer or something! Get a grip!

We get out of the car and walk toward the building when I have an epiphany.

"I know where I know you from!!!"

"You do? 'Cause it's been driving me crazy not being able to remember!"

"I feel so dumb! I don't know how I didn't put two and two together!"

"Well...where did we meet?!"

"You seriously don't remember? How could you forget? We're SO retarded!"

"Hey, speak for yourself, Smella!"

I hit his arm and laugh.

"Okay, seriously. You remember about 12 years ago, that fishing competition? Our dads knew each other and introduced us. We spent that week having so much fun together, but forgot to get each other's numbers when it was over!"

"Well, I guess destiny brought us back together," he smiles brightly at me and grabs my waist to pull me closer.

"Yeah, I guess so," I say while smiling up at him.

All of a sudden, there are bright lights everywhere and I can't see anything. What the hell?!

"Jake? What's going on?"

He grabs me tighter, squinting his eyes trying to look into the lights. "I don't know, babe."

"JACOB!" I hear a woman yell.

I look up at him and his face pales.

"What's wrong, Jake?"

"Jacob, you piece of shit!" A woman with long black hair and tan skin appears in front of the lights. "You BASTARD!" she yells at him.

I jump in front of him and block her when she tries to hit him.

"What the hell are you doing? Get away from my boyfriend before I kick your teeth down your fucking throat!" I scream at her.

"Your BOYFRIEND?!" she screeches.

Someone grabs me from behind and holds my arms. I try to wiggle free.

"Let me go! Jake! What's going on?! Let me GO!!!"

A guy with a black turtle neck walks up to me. "Hi, my name is Joey Grecko. I'm with _Cheaters_."

_Cheaters_?!?! Oh. Hell. No!

"How long have you been seeing Jacob?"

"Tell your bitch ass security guard to let me go!" I'm beyond pissed and am about to go Hulk on somebody in a minute.

Joey nods and the guard lets me go.

"We've been seeing each other for about two months," I tell him while massaging my wrists. Bastard held me tight as hell.

"TWO MONTHS?!" Black Haired Girl screams and lunges for Jake's throat.

I can't believe this shit! I'm on motherfucking TV!

"Baby, we're just friends. I met her at work and she was lonely, so I became her friend. I swear, Leah, nothing happened!"

"WHAT?!" I yell. "Work?! **I **was lonely?! What a crock of shit! I can't believe you, Jacob!"

Joey walks up to Jacob with a video camera. "Jacob, we've been following you around for weeks."

Weeks?! So it **wasn't **Charlie!

Joey continues, "We have video of you and Miss Swan spending time and being intimate on numerous occasions." He thrusts the camera in Jacob's face. "Here you are, kissing and fondling Miss Swan in a park..."

"That's not me," Jake says.

"Not YOU?!" Leah screams.

"Sure, sure...that's uh, my twin brother."

"Oh, that's rich! Twin, Jake? That's the best your retardedly stupid ass can come up with? How could you, Jacob? After all these years, everything we've been through?" Tears are running down her face and I feel horrible for her.

Jacob starts walking off and yells, "I can't believe you did all this, Leah!_ Cheaters_? You had to bring a fucking camera crew?"

"YOU can't believe ME?! No, don't you DARE try to turn this on me! You slimy cock bastard!"

A crowd starts forming and chants "_Cheaters! Cheaters! Cheaters!_"

I take that as my cue to leave and walk to my car. I can't even think straight right now. I need a drink. A few camera guys follow me to my car and I yell at them to go away so I can leave. I still hear Leah screaming like a banshee in the background when I get into my car. Fifteen minutes later and I'm home. I have new voicemail.

"You have one new message." Beep.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, babe. She means nothing to me, I swear. Please call me back, babe." Beep.

I scoff and delete the message. Prick.

A/N:

So how many of you thought Jake was Club Guy? :-)

_Cheaters _is a real show and it's the shit. As far as I know, they only bust cheatin' bastards in Oklahoma and Texas. But this is my story, so I can do what I want ;-) You can go to www(dot)cheaters(dot)com to see video clips and other goodies. Check it out!

Fic recommendation time! Yay!

Mens Rea: A Guilty Mind by forbidden-fruit81

On A Lonesome Road by valeri29

Texts From Last Night by EverythingIDo

A big, fat thank you to my beta coachlady1. She fikses all my spelig mistayks cause shes smartt.

Until next time! Smooches!


	4. Secrets

Two weeks after Cheatergate, and I'm ready to get back out on the dating scene. I need to stop sulking and purge Jacob out of my system. I'm ashamed to admit that I answered one of his calls a few days after he got busted. I missed the sound of his voice, his laugh, his sense of humor... I just missed him, period. He apologized profusely and swore up and down that he was through with Leah, but I just couldn't believe him. He lied so damn easily, it was borderline psychotic. I'd never be able to trust him. I told him goodbye for good and we both cried. He begged and pleaded with me to give him another chance. It was incredibly hard, but it had to be done. Before I hung up, I was on the verge of giving him another chance because he sounded so hurt and remorseful and it broke my heart. And being with him was always so fun and easy. Right when I was about to tell him we could try again, I heard Leah yelling in the background, demanding he hand her the phone and know who he was talking to. He hurriedly rushed off the phone whispering about having to hang up because his mom was being overprotective. What an effin' dickhead.

I've been spending a lot of time daydreaming about Club Guy. We only spoke a handful of words to each other, but I just couldn't forget the way he made me feel. The way his words caressed my eardrums and his touch lit my skin ablaze. Sometimes I feel so pathetic, obsessively thinking of this man who I know nothing about. We shared a dance, no big deal. But he just got under my damn skin, invaded my senses, and I can't get him out. I need to purge him out of my mind as well as Jacob.

So here I am, getting ready to go on a date with Aro, a self-made millionaire who's ready to settle down. Somehow he'd seen a picture of me and showed great interest. I have no clue why he would. I mean, I'm pretty damn attractive, but I'm not trophy wife material. I don't have huge boobs or major curves or bleached hair... Maybe this guy is different. Maybe he isn't your typical vapid millionaire.

It's time to get ready and once again, Alice is a no-show. Rose is holed up at Emmett's place doing god knows what and Angela's on vacay with Ben. So I'm stuck to my own devices again. I miss spending time with my girls. I've grown accustomed to them picking out my clothes and dolling me up. I love the girl time.

I don't know what the hell to wear, Aro's taking me to this new fancy French restaurant, Le Altier et Prétentieux, so I guess I need something fancy. Cocktail dress, maybe? I choose a black cocktail dress with an empire waist that pushes up my boobs and makes them look great. I style my hair in a low ponytail and swoop my bangs to add some style. Hmmm, what else? Oh! Pearls! I walk into my room and gently pull my grandma's pearls out of my jewelry box. After putting on the necklace, I realize I need earrings and decide on two-carat diamond studs. You can mix diamonds and pearls, right? Oh well. Finally I put on my face: eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss. Simple.

I hope this isn't the type of place that serves nickel sized portions of meat. I'm hungry.

After twiddling my thumbs for about 15 minutes, there's a knock at my door. Here goes nothing. I take a deep breath and open the door.

"Ah, you must be Isabella," he says in a sexy Italian accent, then picks up my hand and kisses my knuckles. A gentleman!

"And you must be Aro. It's a pleasure to meet you. And please, call me Bella."

He smiles. "Beautiful Bella."

I blush. Somehow being called Beautiful in an Italian accent is really freakin' hot.

"Thank you, you're very sweet. Would you like to come in for a drink, or...?"

"Oh, I'm afraid not, Bella. Our reservation is for 7 o'clock, so we really should be going. I hope you don't mind."

"No, of course not. Let's go," I smile at him.

The ride to the restaurant is uneventful. He spends the whole ride on his cell, talking in Italian. He keeps apologizing, saying they're very important business calls. I understand, but I hope the whole date doesn't go this way. He finally hangs up when we get to the restaurant, telling me that he told his partners not to call unless it's extremely important. We head into the restaurant and are immediately seated. It's a very nice and romantic place. Like something out of a Danielle Steele novel.

"Wow, this is beautiful," I say while observing my surroundings.

"You've never been?"

"Oh no, I'm more of a Taco Bell kind of gal," I smile sheepishly.

"Fast food, huh? I haven't eaten at a fast food place in quite awhile. Maybe we can visit Taco Bell together sometime soon."

"I'd like that."

The waiter comes to take our order and I ask Aro to order for me since he's been here before. When Aro is finished placing our orders, the waiter takes our menus and leaves.

"So, you're Italian?"

"It is that obvious?" he smirks. "Yes, I am from Italy, but I've been here in the States for years. Are you from here?"

"Actually, I'm from a little town called Forks. You've probably never heard of it."

"You'd be surprised to learn that I have heard of and have been to Forks. I have a few associates who live there."

"Oh, wow, what a coincidence! I don't think anyone I know has ever heard of it. You're the first!"

"It is a lovely and quaint little town. So tell me Bella, what do you like to do?"

"Honestly? I'm a bit of a homebody, so I enjoy staying home and reading books. My life is pretty boring, actually. I play a little acoustic guitar and dabble in singing... What about you?"

"Well, since we're talking honestly, I can't say I enjoy anything but work. It's all I've ever really done in my adult life and I've found myself quite lonely. My family keeps telling me I need to find a good woman to settle down with and for once, I agree with them."

"What is it that you do? I hear you've made quite a name for yourself."

"That I have, Bella. I work in sales and my business has been quite lucrative. But as I've said, I've spent years obsessing over my work, neglecting anything having to do with a normal life. Tonight, let us forget about my occupation and get to know one another. Do you have any siblings?"

The rest of the night runs smoothly. Aro is quite the character. Very charming and a little old fashioned. I'm really surprised that he's so down to earth and I tell him so. He laughs a deep belly laugh and tells me his mother would make him pay dearly if he became too snooty for his own good. While eating dessert, his phone rings. He looks pretty annoyed, but I tell him he should answer since it's probably important. He reluctantly agrees and apologizes before excusing himself from the table.

About five minutes later, he comes back looking a little worried and distracted.

"Is everything okay?"

He smiles, "Yes, of course, everything is fine. But I'm afraid we'll have to cut the evening short. I would love to go out with you again, Bella. You're lovely company to keep," he tells me as he pulls my chair out and offers me his hand.

"Thank you, Aro. I'd love that. I had a good time tonight."

While waiting for the valet, Aro keeps glancing at his watch. He seems a little paranoid. I put my hand on his arm to get his attention.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Hmm? Oh. Yes. Nothing to worry your pretty head about," he smiles at me.

When the valet pulls the car up to the curb, he opens my door for me. I could get used to this!

"Thank you," I tell him while getting into the car. He gently closes my door and walks around to his side.

"I really enjoyed our time together, Bella. You're a very beautiful woman, and you've got the brains and wit to go with it. A rather rare combination these days."

"You keep that up and you're gonna have me blushing from head to toe! I had a great time, Aro, really. You wouldn't believe some of the guys I've gone on dates with lately. My friends have made it their life mission to tease me mercilessly about it. It's like I attract the worst guys on the planet or something," I laugh for a few seconds before realizing he's not laughing or talking.

I look over at him and see he's sweating and looking into the rearview mirror with bulging eyes. What the hell?

"Aro? What's wrong?" I ask while looking through the side view mirror.

"Oh my GOD!" I yell. "What the hell is going on? Why are there all of those police cars following us?!"

He starts mumbling to himself, shaking his head and cursing under his breath.

"Aro? What's going on?!"

There's a bright beam of light and suddenly I'm having déjà vu. I look up and see a fucking helicopter with its beam directly on top of the car. Great.

He sighs heavily and pulls the car over. I hear a noise to my right and look out of the window. A huge gun is pointed in my face. I scream bloody murder and try to duck away from the window. My door is quickly opened and I'm being yanked out of the car. There are at least six guns aimed at my face, and a barrage of questions is being yelled at me. My heart is pumping so hard, I can hear it in my ears. It feels like I'm under water. I can't hear or breathe. I feel like I'm gonna faint. I'm being dragged away somewhere and I hear sirens and helicopters and screaming, but I can't really make sense of it.

I'm thrown against something hard, which makes me come to my senses. I'm leaning over a cop car and my hands are being handcuffed.

"What's going on?! Please don't arrest me! I haven't done anything!! Where's Aro?"

Three hours and multiple background checks later, I'm finally allowed to go home. Apparently Aro is a big time drug dealer, one of the top five wanted men in America. In sales, huh? Sales my ass! The police tell me they'll be in touch if they need further assistance and I call a cab.

By the time I get home, I'm ready to call it a night. I'm exhausted and just wanna put this whole night behind me. As I'm changing into my nightclothes, the phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella, can I talk to Alice?"

"Jasper? Alice isn't here. I just came back from a date. Please don't ask how it went."

"A date? Alice told me it was girls' night..."

"I'm sorry, Jas, she's not here. Have you tried calling her?"

"Yeah, but she's not picking up," he says distractedly. "Uh, okay. I'll uh... talk to you some other time, Bella."

"Okay. Bye, Jasper."

"Bye, Bella."

What the hell are you doing, Alice?

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

APOV

Jasper's called for the fourth time and I ignore it. I feel so horrible, lying to everyone. But they wouldn't approve of my activities. I've spent weeks sneaking around, staying out late, paying people off... and it's taken its toll. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and sleep is becoming harder every day. Sometimes I want to give it all up, but I know I can't. This is too important to me and I've invested too much time. I'm meeting with him tonight and my heart is about to beat out of my chest. I hope no one I know sees me.

I walk up to the hotel concierge

"Hello, I have a reservation under the name James."

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

I know I'm evil. Hehehe! Leave me some love!


	5. Creepy McCreeperton

Ever since my debacle of a date with Aro, Alice has slowly been coming around. But she still acts a little _off_. Sometimes I catch her staring longingly into space and other times, there's an intense sadness in her eyes when she looks at me that makes me wish I could take away the pain. There have been a few times when she looked like she wanted to tell me something important, let me know the reason behind her sullen moods, the reason that spark is no longer in her eyes... but she always looks away and quickly changes the subject. She tries to hide it, probably hoping I haven't noticed. I can tell she's trying to come back to her normal self, though, so I don't mention any of it. She'll let me know when she's ready, although it kind of hurts that she won't confide in me. I don't know what on earth happened, but I'm glad it's over and she's moved on. I missed her immensely. I wanted to be mad at her for avoiding me and acting like a total assface, but she's my Al. I can never stay mad at her for more than 12 hours.

"Alright," I say to Alice as she straightens my hair with her beloved FHI Runway flatiron. "What's his name again? I forgot."

She groans in frustration, as if I'm annoying her to death, but I can see her trying to fight back a smile.

"For the last time. His name's _Riley_, Bells."

"Okay. Miley. Got it." I smile at her through the vanity mirror and she rolls her eyes.

"And how do you know Riley?"

"Well... he's the brother of one of my classmates, Bree."

It takes a moment for her words to sink in.

"What? You don't even KNOW him?! A classmate? You don't talk to any of your classmates outside of _class_, Alice! You don't even know _her _and you set me up with her _brother_? He's gonna be another basket case! Why would you set me up with a complete stranger?!" I can only imagine the fuckery I'm gonna be put through tonight. I cross my arms and use my patented laser death glare at Alice through the mirror.

"Calm, cleansing breaths, Bella. Everything will eventually work out. I promise I know what I'm doing. His sister is really nice and pretty, so he must be great too. He plays _lacrosse_, Bella. How hot is _that_? Besides, Bree showed me a picture and he's totes hot," she casually informs me while grabbing another section of hair to straighten.

"Totes? What the fuck is a totes, Alice?"

She sighs loudly, clearly annoyed and explains, "Bella, 'totes' is only the new 'in' word. It's short for totally!"

"Alright, how about we use our new vocabulary word in a sentence, hmm? If this guy is a nut job, your ass will be grass and I'll totes be the weedwacker."

"Alright. All done!" she says brightly, completely ignoring my threat and laser death glare. "Now, go try on those outfits I left on the bed so I can figure out which one you're wearing."

"Aliiice," I whine, "why do I have to try on four freakin' outfits? Can't you just pick the one you _think_ will look the best?"

"No. Now chop-chop, we don't have all night. I still have shoes and accessories to coordinate depending on what ensemble we choose."

"Don't you mean which ensemble _you_ choose?" I huff while stomping off to my bedroom.

An hour and seven damn outfits later and Alice is done with her torture.

"Oh, Bells. You look so... HAWT!"

"Thanks, Al," I tell her while slipping my lip gloss and Touch Pro 2 into my purse. "Did you put the directions into my GPS?"

"Yep, I'm already ahead of you. Now go. I don't want you to be late."

I walk over and give Alice a big hug, hoping to absorb some of her sadness into my bones. "Thanks, Al. I love you."

"Love you too, Bellaphant." She smiles sadly while waving me off.

--------------

The restaurant isn't too hard to find. When I pull up to it 30 minutes after leaving my place, I see the name Molto Bella. Cute. I smile. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. I love Italian and I'm totes starving.

Upon walking into the restaurant, I'm greeted warmly and walked to my table toward a waiting Riley. He stands up as I approach, looking at me like I'm a Hungry Man frozen dinner. Damn, do I look that good? When I arrive at our table, he reaches out and gently takes my hand, bringing it to his lips. A shiver runs down my spine. And not a good shiver, either. A creepy shiver.

"Isssabellla," he says in a weird, husky voice with an even weirder accent. Where the hell is this dude from? "It's so..." he dramatically smells the air around my head, "nice to finally meet you."

Weird.

"Ummm. Yeah, me too. I've heard so much about you. I hope I didn't keep you waiting long..."

"Not at all."

He pulls out my seat for me and I hear him sniff my hair while he pushes my chair in. He whispers something about me being "mouthwaaatering" while walking back around to his seat. Yeah. Definitely creepy. I look at him and notice he has on sunglasses. At night. In a restaurant.

"So, Riley... Why exactly are you wearing sunglasses?"

He chuckles darkly.

Um. Yeah. Your creep-factor is increasing, dude.

"Oh... Isabelllla. All in due time, my lovely. Let us drink."

He gestures toward my glass.

"I... propose a toast... to delicious beginnings."

The hell?

I hesitantly lift my glass and sniff the red wine. It smells familiar and weird.

"What kind of wine is this? It smells a little funny."

He chuckles darkly again.

Okay, Creepy Riley is starting to... well, creep me out.

"Isabellla... I requested they fill our glasses with my own drink. I brought it here for us. It's very... fragrant..."

Yeah, fragrantly stinky.

I don't wanna be rude to him or his funky wine, so I take a small, tentative sip. And damn near puke my guts out. I try to hold back the dry heaves.

"Riley," I say slowly, trying to find my chi and stay calm before I hyperventilate. "Did you just have me drink blood? Fucking BLOOD? Are you in-fucking-sane?!"

He smiles widely. And I see them and gasp loudly. Long, sharp canine teeth.

Oh. Hell. No.

"Isabelllla, do not be upset. Blood is nature's nectar of life. We are but peasants, suckling at its teat."

"Did you seriously just say 'teat'?"

His creepy smile widens as if I offered him a taste of my milkshake while he slowly lowers his glasses from his face. I damn near fly out of my seat. His eyes are red. Fucking. Red.

"What the fuck?!" I squeak, backing my chair up and grabbing my steak knife.

"I'm a very powerful man in my circle, little lamb. I could give you anything you wish, fulfill your every desire. Give you the finest, the best, of everything. Does that sound good, my pet?"

"As enticing as that sounds, I'll have to pass. I'm not a dog and I'm no one's pet. Besides propositioning me like some whore, there's something else bothering me..." I tap my fingers on my chin as if in deep thought. "Oh! You made me drink _blood_, Riley! Can't forget that creepy tidbit, you fucker!" I hiss through clenched teeth, trying not to yell and make a scene.

He smirks playfully while I glare death lasers into his brain.

"Do you believe in vampires, Isabella?"

My eyes widen in surprise. Vampires?! Oh. Hell. No. This bastard's crazy! Is he find-out-where-I-live-and-watch-me-in-my-sleep-crazy? Leave-dead-koala-bears-on-my-doorstep-crazy? If this dude really believes he's a vampire, he's nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut eating festival. I need to make an excuse. Fast. Hopefully he won't notice what a shitty liar I am.

"Ummm... soooo. Yeeaah... my... niece's boyfriend's cousin is stranded in... California City. Yeah, that's it. And I, uhhh... need to go get her before she... gets herpes from that one guy. Bye."

I hastily grab my purse and get out of my seat, trying to rush toward the door before this maniac sees what kind of car I drive and turns into an undead stalker.

"Isabella! Do not leave! Let us drink nectar together! Let me enlighten you!" Riley loudly yells across the restaurant.

I duck my head, mortified beyond belief when everyone turns to look at me. _Hurry up, feet!_ I give the valet my ticket and tell him to put some pep in his step because I have a blood drinking looney toon on my heels. The valet shows back up quickly with my car. I thank him, jump in and skid the fuck out before Riley turns into a bat or some shit. Un-fucking-believable. Alice has got some 'splainin' to do. I don't even wanna know what he did to get that blood.

Only _I _could have such a plethora of these types of hell dates under my belt. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I look up toward the sky. _Seriously, God? Really?_

I pull into a liquor store for some Jack. Hopefully the burning liquid will kill enough brain cells to make me forget about Dracula. Jack and my Snuggie will make it all better. Pfffft. Yeah right.

------------

I stole the nickname Bellaphant from coachlady1's story Dangerous Corporate Liaisons. Her Emmett is funny as hell and has all kinds of silly nicknames for Bella. Speaking of coachlady1, have I mentioned how great of a beta she is? :-D

A Touch Pro 2 is only the coolest Windows Mobile phone EVER! Fuck an iPhone, I'm a Windows gal and proud of it! *does New Jersey fist pump*

Sorry it took longer than planned to update. I got caught up in a few fics and couldn't tear myself away. I'm sure you all know how that is ;-)

Check out my one shots, The Motion in the Ocean and The Joys of Parenthood. They're my babies.

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	6. FAIL

A/N:

I don't own Twilight. If I did, I'd be taking a swim in my Olympic sized indoor pool... Filled with money. And RPattz.

o~O~o

As weird as it may seem, I'm beginning to look forward to these blind dates. The scenarios I've been put in have been pretty fuckin' ridiculous and looking back I couldn't help but laugh at the universe's sense of humor. Can't forget Jared, whose grandma drove us to and from the restaurant for our date in her Brady Bunch station wagon. The conversation in the car wavered back and forth between two topics:

1) Gram-Gram interrogating me on my intentions with her grandson and questioning my virtue.

2) Gram-Gram demanding me not to manipulate her angel with my "womanly bits" and steal his innocence.

As if.

He'd told me he had his own business as a movie vendor. Turns out he sold bootleg DVD's. Apparently the economy is affecting the world of illegal activities as hard as us working folk because according to him, bootlegging wasn't as lucrative as he thought it would be. Bootlegging couldn't get him his own vehicle. Or a cab. Or a girlfriend for that matter.

Then there was Amun the magician who performed inappropriate tricks that mortified me to no end. "Presto! A cherry!!! Get it? A cherry? 'Cause I pulled it from the crotch of your pants!"

Gah! Just thinking about it made me shudder.

Paul was nice. Told me up front he had a baby daughter, but I didn't mind. It was just a date and honestly, any man who is there for and takes care of his kids is alright in my book. We were planning on going to an aquarium and I was pretty excited about seeing all of the oceanic life. The plan was I'd meet him at his house, leave my car there and he'd drive us to and from the aquarium. When I rang the bell, a woman with a baby on her hip answered the door. A few seconds later, a frantic looking Paul rushed to the door and introduced me to the woman as his sorority sister. He told her he was taking me on a friendly dinner so we could catch up and talk about old times. She smiled sincerely at me and invited me in for some tea. I declined, saying I left something in my car. I'm sure houses three blocks down could hear my tires screeching as I sped the fuck away.

Oh, and Alistair. He was really nice, kind of shy and quiet. He also seemed nervous, but I chalked it up to first date jitters. He loved the way I styled my hair and asked to touch it, said he loved brunette hair. I thought it was a tad bit weird, but let him rub it anyway and he gushed over how soft it was. I was kind of flattered. What girl doesn't wanna be told her hair is silky soft? He asked me what shampoo and conditioner I used and we spent a good 45 minutes talking about hair products. I could've gone longer because I'm borderline obsessed with conditioner, but didn't wanna bore the poor man to tears. When he dropped me off at my place, he asked if he could come in and quickly use my bathroom before he left. I let him in and sat on the couch, turning on Food Network while waiting on him to finish.

When a whole episode of _Takedown with Bobby Flay _was almost over, I noticed Alistair still hadn't come out. I got pissed because he had the nerve to drop a stinkin' log in my damn house! I started walking to the bathroom, ready to let him have it, when I heard moans and soft cries. I got a little worried, thinking he might be sick or in pain. My anger immediately subsided and guilt took over. Food poisoning maybe? Every step I took, the moans became louder and I silently tried to remember if I had Pepto Bismol in the medicine cabinet. When I got to the bathroom door, it was slightly ajar, so I peeked inside to make sure he wasn't blowing loads. Nothing can induce my puking more than seeing someone else do it. Just the thought of someone throwing up makes my stomach churn. Instead of seeing him hunched over in pain, I found him sitting on my toilet—pants around his ankles—jacking off with a ball of my hair held up to his nose. Turns out he had a hair fetish and stole the shed hair out of the brushes in my bathroom to get himself off. Yeah. No words.

Of course, while I'm on the actual dates, I don't see the humor. Only when I've had a day or so to digest the tomfoolery did I truly appreciate the hilarity of my life. I could seriously write a book about this shit. People would read my memoirs at their little get-togethers and dinner parties, gathered around the coffee table, taking turns reading passages with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. Hi-fucking-larious.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the doorbell ringing. That must be my date for the night, Levi. He divorced eight months ago and decided it was time to move on and start dating. I'm guessing he'll be gentlemanly, since he was married for six years. His wife "trained" him throughout their matrimony, I'm sure. I doubt he's a Neanderthalian, beer drinking chauvinist. I had my reservations about dating a divorced man but figured since he's already been married, he'll want to take things slow and not rush into anything.

I open the door and smile at him. "Hi, Levi, nice to meet you." I reach out to shake his hand and he just stands there with a faraway look in his eyes. Ooookaaaaay. I drop my hand and look at him questioningly.

"Uh, hi. Nice to meet you, Claire."

Claire?

"It's Bella."

"What?"

"My name. It's Bella. You called me Claire."

"Huh? Oh. Um. Sorry, I guess," he shrugs.

Gee, don't sound_ too_ enthusiastic there, chief. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. We stand in my doorway, enveloped in uncomfortable silence for who knows how long. I'm guessing three minutes. I huff in annoyance and look at him.

"Sooo... Are we gonna go, or...?"

"Oh. Sure. Sure. Okay, let's go."

_Yeah, I can't wait either, dude_. The drive to the restaurant is filled with more awkward silence. I'm starting to get really agitated. Before I let myself lose my cool, I decide to break the silence.

"So what kind of music do you like?"

.........

"I don't like music. I used to."

Mmmmkay. Maybe I'll have more success with the next question.

"Um, are you from around here?"

............

"No. Baltimore."

"Oh really? How long have you lived here?"

.............

"When I married my wife, we moved here. I had a good job offer. Been here ever since."

"Do you ever miss Baltimore?"

.............

"No."

"Do you have any kids?"

............

"No."

_Way to keep a conversation going, guy_. I roll my eyes and turn my body towards the passenger side window. The shrubbery outside is more interesting than Mr. Enthusiastic here. In the complete silence of the car, my mind once again drifts to Club Guy. I inwardly sigh. It's quite pathetic, my daydreaming about him like this. I try to push him out of my mind, but he just keeps forcing his way back in. Each blind date I go on brings hope that this will be the man who knocks me off of my feet and makes me forget Club Guy even exists. It hasn't happened yet and it _damn_ sure isn't happening tonight.

"We're here," Bland Man tells me as he parks.

I turn my body to unbuckle and hear his car door slam. I look up and this clown is already walking toward the entrance of the place! _No one_ is that damn hungry. Fucker. I stomp into the restaurant and see him standing inside the front door, fidgeting and looking around frantically.

When we're seated, the weird behavior doesn't let up. It actually gets worse. Our waitress asks for our drink orders and gives me an apologetic look. I guess she can see my Bitter Beer Face.

At this point, conversation is just not an option. I'm not gonna try anymore and I doubt he'll start being a decent human being any time soon. So I pick up the menu and bury my face in it. Reading each item and closely inspecting the pictures as if they were pieces of a map leading to Shangri-La.

"Levi, what are you _doing_ here?!" I hear a woman ask sharply.

I look up from my menu and see a woman standing next to Levi, looking clearly annoyed.

"CLAIRE!" he exclaims, voice brimming with emotion.

Claire?!

"You need to leave. Now, Levi."

"I just needed to see you. Please, Claire!" I look over at him and he has buckets of tears running down his face. Wow. Is this really happening?

"No. There's _nothing_ to talk about. _Get out of my restaurant!_" she seethes.

_Her_ restaurant? I look at the front of the menu, which prominently displays the name of the eatery: Claire's Place.

Oh. Hell. No.

This boogery fool has brought me to his ex-wife's restaurant to beg her for another chance while on a date. With me.

At this point, Levi is leaned over holding on to Claire's shirt for dear life, cryin' and snottin' into the stretched fabric. Claire's eyes are tightly closed. She looks like she's silently asking chubby baby Jesus to give her the strength to keep from stabbing her ex with his cutlery.

"Levi. Let. Me. Go."

"No, Claire!" *hiccup* "Never again! I'll never let you GOOOO! Please," *sniffle* "talk to me! PLEASE! I'm _begging_ you!" Snot Monster drops down on his knees and tightly wraps his arms around Claire's legs, loudly wailing into her thighs.

Most of the patrons are now looking at the made for TV drama unfolding before their eyes. A few of them have their camera phones out, blatantly recording and snapping pictures of this foolishness. Great, I'm gonna be on YouTube.

I slowly sink down into my chair and cover my face with mine _and_ Levi's menus. Death by mortification, here I come.

"CLAAAAIIIIIRE!!!! CLAAAAAIIIIIIIRE!!!! PLEEEEEAAAAASE!!! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO!" Now he's coughing and hiccupping hysterically. There isn't a surface on his face and neck that isn't covered in tears, snot or drool. Grody. Apparently his self-respect and manliness hit the road when Claire did.

"I need you! PLEASE TALK TO ME! _ I NEED YOU_!!!!"

Claire's face is buried in her hands, shaking her head back and forth. Poor girl.

"Um, Claire?" I squeak out.

Her head snaps up to look at me.

"Uh, do you mind if I take a menu?"

She looks at me, clearly agitated and confused by my random ass question.

"Fine. FINE. Whatever!" she snaps.

I quickly grab my purse and hold the menu in front of my face, barely peeking my eyes over the top, to make my exit. When I'm outside, I breathe a sigh of relief. But then I quickly realize that The Boogey Man drove me here. Shit!

I walk across the street to a gas station and call a cab from my cell. An hour later and I'm home. Thank you, Xenu!

I check my house phone and see that I have a few missed calls. Alice, Charlie, and some unknown number. Whoever they are didn't leave a message and I don't call strange numbers back. Oh well. If it was important, they'll call again.

I take off my shoes and walk into the bathroom to fill the tub. Some relaxation sounds excellent right now. Should I? Oh, what the hell. I walk into my bedroom and open my buzzy-bin, taking out a waterproof vibrator.

When the tub is full, I get in and sigh in relief. Yeeeaaah. After a few minutes of soaking, I reach for the vibrator. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't done this in such a long time. I can't even remember when I had my last orgasm. How sad is _that_? I lean back and close my eyes. Suddenly I see _him_. My nipples immediately harden in anticipation and I slowly lower my hand to massage my breast, kneading and rubbing it gently. My back arches at the feeling. He's licking my neck as I turn on the vibrator and touch it to my clit. I gasp and he grabs a nipple between his fingers and pinches it. He covers my hand with his and guides the vibrator in slow circles around my clit. Oh, it feels so good.

He leans in closer to me and places slow, gentle kisses from my ear to my jaw line and back. I sigh and breathe in his unbelievable scent while he lowers the vibrator to my entrance. I hold my breath as he slowly pushes the vibrator into me. Oh god. The sensation of the vibrator and _his_ lips and fingers working my body is incredible. My breathing is getting faster as he slides the vibrator in and out of me. I know I'm getting close. The buildup is torture. His hand is moving too slowly. I arch my back and whimper. He speeds up his movements, knowing without words exactly what I need. Yes. More.

His hand is pumping me furiously while his tongue is sucking, licking, and nibbling on my nipples. So good. So close. Yes. I feel my stomach coil in intense pleasure. YES! He lifts his head from my breasts, lowers his mouth onto my heated flesh and bites down on my neck. I cry out as my body quivers, pleasure exploding, shaking me to the core of my being.

"Oh god! YESSSSS!!!"

After a few seconds. Or hours. My body relaxes and sinks down into the tub. Wow. I open my eyes and hear the phone ringing. Did I fall asleep? Damn, that was a good orgasm! I hurriedly grab my robe and rush to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Bella!"

"Hey, Rose. What's up?"

"Check your email."

"Huh? Why?"

"Ugh! Stop asking so many questions and just check your damn email!"

I walk over to my computer and log into my email address. I see a few from Rose and a bunch from other random people. Old friends, colleagues, my mom... I click on Rose's first. There's a link. I right click to open in another page. A YouTube video entitled _Crybaby Man_. What the? The video is ten minutes and I'm just dumbstruck. I "x" out of the page and open another one of Rose's links. The same snot fiasco, but from a different angle, obviously taken by someone else. I "x" out and open another link. Failblog?! *facepalm* There's a huge picture of us. Me sitting at the table looking at the spectacle with wide eyes, mouth agape with my hand on my chest. Levi is on his knees, eyes red and swollen. His face and shirt wet with slimy excretions. He's looking up at Claire with the saddest, wettest, most pathetic puppy dog eyes, his mouth wide open like a fish out of water. Claire is standing with her arms crossed, face as red as a tomato, looking down at Levi like he's plankton shit. In big, red letters across the bottom of the picture is: "First date FAIL."

I groan loudly and hang up with Rose to read more emails. The rest of them are from people either informing me of my celebrity with links to various websites or asking me what on earth happened on my date with Crybaby Man and inquiring who "Really Really Mad Girl" was. Yes, the blogs named _her_ too. I sigh and log out, turning off my computer _and _my brain. I've had enough for one night. Time for lights out. Hopefully this will be forgotten by the end of the week.

o~O~o

A/N:

Aw, poor Bella! Will it ever end? No. Probably not :-) If you haven't been to failblog(dot)org, you're seriously missing out on the funniest shit ever. Do yourself a favor and look at it after you review!

This chapter wouldn't be readable if it weren't for coachlady1. She sprinkles beta dust on her screen and voila! Everything's how it should be :-)

"Buzzy-bin" was taken from Falling For the First Time by SnowWhiteHeart. Funny shit, indeed.

I have a new one shot for the "What's Love Got to Do With It?" Anti-Valentine's Day Challenge. The rules are simple: NO canon pairings. NO love/relationships/feelings/mushy stuff. Pure sexin'. Yeah, baby! Check out the link in my profile and show me some love!

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	7. Freaks

**A/N: I don't own Twilight. If I did, there would be a whole chapter dedicated to the magnificence that is Edward's peen.**

* * *

It's Saturday night and once again, Alice and Ange are dolling me up. Rose is a lost cause; I don't even expect her to show up anymore. Hell, I'm lucky if she calls to let me know she's still alive. I doubt she's seen the light of day since Emmett's come into her life. They're the two horniest, freakiest sons-a-bitches I've ever seen. I swear, one day they're gonna spontaneously combust from the sheer magnitude of their nuclear-powered lust. Like two colliding sex grenades or some shit.

There was a time when we hadn't heard from Rose for weeks, she didn't answer her phone or return our calls. Needless to say, we were worried shitless, so I decided to go to her place to make sure she was okay.

I had a key, so I let myself in and found them fucking in the middle of the living room with Chaka Khan's "Tell Me Something Good"playing in the background. Emmett's big ass arms were effortlessly supporting Rose's body, gripping her ass while he pounded into her, mid-air—wearing swimming goggles and a cape. Rose was clad in thigh-high stiletto boots, cat ears and had a ball-gag in her mouth. Empty Jell-O snack packs, Jolly Rancher wrappers and colored chalk were littered around the room. I didn't know whether to cry, scream or commit myself to the nearest mental facility. So I settled on the next best thing: puking.

They heard my loud dry heaving/sobbing and looked in my direction, clearly surprised by their unexpected visitor. Emmett paused the kink-fest, looking really conflicted. After about ten seconds of complete silence, he blurted out, "Shit. Rosy-Baby, I can't stop," *grunt* "too fuckin' good. Ung. Sorry, Bella."

He then continued to assault my best friend's cooch with his magic stick. Rose then threw her head back, closed her eyes and continued her porn quality moaning and writhing like I wasn't in the room trying to claw my eyes out. Horny bastards didn't even have the decency to stop! I couldn't _even _begin to comprehend what the fuck was going on and where the Jolly Ranchers came into play. And my sanity wasn't worth finding out. That was the day I gave Rose back her key, seriously considering a lobotomy as I escaped to my car.

"Earth to Bella!" Angela snaps her fingers in front of my face.

"Oh, sorry. I was just having a waking nightmare. I started thinking about Rose and Em. Gross."

"I'll bet money that Rose'll be pregnant in the next two months. No condom or pill is strong enough to fight off the gallons of sperm he's dumping into her snatch," Alice tells me and Angela while doing my hair.

"It's inhuman. I just... I don't even have words anymore."

Angela giggles and tells us, "She called me the other day, worried because melted Velveeta cheese accidentally got into her butthole. How on earth does cheese _accidentally _come anywhere_ near _your butt?"

We all start cracking up because this shit is just unheard of. Who _does_ that? Scratch that. Who would _think_ to do that? Cheese + Asshole = Jesus weeping.

"So, this Eric character, he's a nice guy?" I ask Angela, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Yeah, Bella. He's so sweet. I've never actually spoken to him because he's really quiet and shy. But Ben wouldn't be roomies with just anyone. He's a bit of a geek—but a _cute_ geek!"

"Alright, Bella. Time for you to go," Alice says, looking at me with sad eyes. "You're meeting him at the Red Lobster. I already put the directions onto your GPS. Now shoo!"

I thank them, give out hugs, grab my purse and head to my car. As I step inside and start the engine, I start to amp myself up. Might as well be positive, I don't want this to be a miserable date before it even begins. I'll have a good time. Angela says he's nice and I believe her. This'll be fun, and if it's not, at least I'm getting some cheddar biscuits out of it. I'm freakin' starving. Fifteen minutes later and I'm pulling up to the restaurant.

I take a deep breath and head inside, walking over to the hostess who greets me warmly. We exchange smiles and I tell her I'm there to meet someone.

She looks down at the podium for a few seconds before smiling up at me. "I'm sorry Miss Swan, he hasn't arrived yet. But I'll be happy to show you to your table, where you can sit until he arrives." I comply and she walks me to a table near the back. About ten minutes later, a baby-faced guy is headed in my direction. This must be him. I smile as he nears the table.

"I am Eric," he says while pulling me out of the chair. "Rise, my friend," he shocks the hell out of me by hugging me. "Ah, what an amazing smell you've discovered."

"Oh. Um, thanks. It's called Pink Sugar."

"Come here, I won't hurt you," he sits in his chair and gestures toward mine, indicating he'd like me to sit. "Want something to eat?"

"Yes, that's why we're here, right?" I chuckle nervously and he grins at me.

The waiter comes over to take our orders. I place mine first and Eric points a menu item out to the waiter, letting him know what he'd like to eat.

"Alright, will that be all for now?"

"Yes," Eric snaps while making a shooing gesture with his hand. "Into the garbage chute, flyboy!"

Weird. The waiter shoots a questioning glance toward Eric before walking away, mumbling under his breath. What the hell's a 'flyboy'?

There's a long awkward silence. We just sit there, looking everywhere but at each other. Finally, I decide to break the ice.

"So, Eric, what do you do?"

"I am a member of Imperial Senate, on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."

Come again?

"Oh, okay," I say. I mean really, how am I supposed to respond to that?

He waves his hand dismissively.

"Boring conversation, anyway. Luke, we have company. But now we must eat. Come good food, come..."

Why is he talking like that? Mental impairment, maybe? And who the hell is Luke? I look around and see our waiter coming with the food.

"Oh, our waiter's name is Luke?" I ask, confused.

Eric chuckles while shaking his head.

"Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is."

I know this ass-cricket didn't just call me stupid!

"Excuse me?!" I ask while picking up my knife, preparing to cut my food.

"Put that thing away before you get us all killed!" he yells with wide eyes.

Wow.

The waiter places our plates on the table. Eric bends his nose down to his food and takes a long sniff.

"Aaaah, yes, the Force is strong with this one!"

The Force? Oh, Lord, not _Star Wars_. He has every line memorized?! Kill me now, please.

We eat our food in completely awkward silence. Eric finally finishes and pushes his plate away. I'm looking at the dessert menu when Eric makes a walkie-talkie type noise and then exclaims, "This is Red 5. I'm going in!"

"Wha--?"

I look up from the menu just in time to see him climbing over the table, tongue darting out, diving for my face.

I quickly back my chair away from the table to escape his slimy vibrating tongue.

"Eric! What the hell are you doing?!"

He sits back in his chair with a look of defeat. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

I'm speechless.

The waiter comes back right at that moment to take our plates and asks if we want any dessert. Eric turns toward the guy. "I don't think the Empire had Wookies in mind when they made her, Chewie," he says, pointing in my direction.

Is that supposed to be a compliment? Still speechless.

The poor guy just looks at me, then back to Eric, rolls his eyes and walks off.

I sigh, getting more annoyed by the second. "Eric, will you please just talk, I don't know, like a _normal_ person?"

"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Will you just STOP with the Luke Skywalker impersonations?"

"It's against my programming to impersonate a deity."

I've had enough, I'm getting a migraine. If this guy says one more _Star Wars_ quote, I think I might lose it. I close my eyes and rub my temples.

"Look, Eric, you're a nice guy, but--"

"I find your lack of faith disturbing. Use the Force, Isabella."

That's it. I'm gone. I reach down to grab my purse off of the floor.

"Okay, I tried. I just can't. Nice meeting you, Yoda."

"You _want_... to have sex with me."

I stop dead in my tracks. He seriously thinks I want to screw him? I look at him, shock clearly etched on my face.

"Wh--What?"

He slowly waves his hands in front of his face like a magician or something. "You _want_... to have sex with me."

"No, Eric. No, I don't. You need more help than even the Force can handle."

He keeps up with the arm movements, eyes wide and intense, staring straight into my eyes. "You _WANT _to have sex with me."

It then dawns on me what he's trying to do.

"Jedi mind tricks? Seriously?" I ask in disbelief.

"I need a new strategy..." he says while rubbing his chin in thought. "You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home." He stands up from the table, grabbing his coat.

"Oh, hell no. Think again Anakin, you're not going home with me."

His eyes widen in shock and anger spreads across his face. He forcefully thrusts a finger in my direction.

"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take her away!" he yells to the family of four sitting at the table next to us. Their toddler starts crying.

"What the hell, Eric? _Stop_ _it_!" I hiss.

I guess we were louder than I thought because the manager comes over and asks if there's a problem.

"Yeah, R2D2 here is full of damn crazy, _that's_ the problem. He's freakin' _obsessed _with _Star Wars_, need I say more?" I tell him while getting up to leave.

Apparently Eric's tirade isn't over. "I mean it! Take her!" he screams at the manager still angrily thrusting his finger at me.

I apologize to the manager and hurriedly walk to the door. Eric has caused quite a scene and everyone is looking in my direction as I leave, whispering and pointing.

"REBEL!!! TRAITOR!!!... ARGH!!!" is the last thing I hear Eric screaming, before the door closes behind me.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

As I'm driving home, I can't believe that this is my life. I'm done with this. I just can't do it anymore. It was fun while it lasted. No more blind dates. Ever. I'd rather do internet dating. No. Hell no. None of that either. Maybe I was just meant to be single. I should get a cat. And another dildo. Maybe two dildos.

My cell starts ringing as I pull into my parking space. I look at the caller ID. Alice.

"Hey, Al. What's up?"

"Is your date over?"

I groan loudly, "Yeah. Don't ask."

"Good! We're going out tonight!"

Out?! To a _club_? Do I dare hope to see Club Guy? A face-splitting smile breaks across my face at the thought of seeing him again.

"Okay. I'll be at your place in 30 minutes."

* * *

**A/N:**

**Will Club Guy be there? Hmmm....**

**How the hell did Rose get cheese in her asshole? And what was up with the chalk?! So many questions, so little time :-)**

**Big thanks to coachlady1 for being the bestest beta in the whole, wide world!**

**If you're not reading Goodnight, Noises Everywhere by Feisty Y. Beden, you're seriously missing out. It's a post apocalyptic world where even the stars are dying and Bella is the last survivor. So good!**

**Until next time! Smooches! ^_^**


	8. Kismet

A/N:

Since I suck at describing clothes, the link to Bella's dress is here: (dot)com/pleather-dress-17(dot)html

I don't own Twilight. If I did, Esme would've back-handed Rosalie for being so incredibly rude and bitchy to Bella.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

After hanging up with Alice, I have to take a moment to calm myself down before I end up hyperventilating. That would be just my luck. This may be my last chance to see Club Guy and I miss it because I was passed out with my forehead on the steering wheel, obliviously honking the car horn. No, I can't let that happen. Deep, calming breaths.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

About ten minutes later and I'm out of the "pass out" zone. Man, am I pathetic or what? Almost losing consciousness because I _might_ run into a man I spent a total of 20 minutes with. Twenty hot, steamy, sexy, sweaty, incredible minutes... Le sigh. I pull down the driver's side visor to look at myself in the little mirror. Makeup is still okay. I fluff up my hair to make it fuller and look down at my dress. Not sexy enough. What time is it? Shit! I need to hurry up! I rush to my front door and jog to the closet.

After throwing out everything in my closet, I look around in a frenzy, becoming panicked. Nothing to wear! My whole wardrobe is in a big pile on the floor and nothing is suitable, nothing is good enough! Fucking shitty asshole jamming cocksucker bastard fucker! What am I gonna wear?! My eyes search frantically for something sexy. Why don't I have anything _sexy_?! And then I see it. Waaaay back in the shadows of my closet.

My freakum dress.

A few months ago, Rose insisted that every woman needs a super sexy, revealing (a.k.a. really slutty) dress. She dragged me to some store and made me try on all kinds of lycra and spandex dresses until I found one that made my body look great and wasn't too slut-erific. A short black strapless mini dress that was made of some kind of shiny faux leather material. Rose purchased a metallic gold dress that barely covered her ass. When we were done, we went back to her place, put on our dresses and danced around her living room to Beyonce's "Freakum Dress." I felt pretty damn sexy.

After putting on my freakum dress, I pulled out some hot pink Louboutin strappy stilettos then quickly flatironed my hair and put it back in a sleek ponytail. After my hair is finished, I put on two more coats of mascara and some lipgloss. Just as I finish blotting my lips, the house phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hello," a robotic female voice greets me. "You are receiving a collect call from........ Press one to accept this call. To deny, hang up."

The hell? I hope Rose didn't get arrested again! I press one.

"Hello?"

"Isabella?"

A man? I don't recognize his voice.

"....Uh, yes.... Who is this?"

"Ah, Isabella, it is so good to hear your beautiful voice again!"

"Yeah... So... _Who _is this?"

"Oh! It's Aro! Don't you remember me?"

"Aro?! Of course I remember. How could I forget? Why on earth are you calling _me_?"

"That's one of the things I admire most about you, Bella. Always straight to the point! Well... I qualify for parole and will most likely be released on bail in two months. I'd love to see you again."

..................

"Seriously? Like... You're serious? After having a S.W.A.T. team aim Uzi's in my face and enduring five hours of intense police investigations... You're _seriously_ asking me out again?"

He chuckles. "Well, at least it was exciting. You can't say you've ever been on a date like that!"

"Yeah, but I wish I _could _say I've never been on a date like that... The answer's a resounding 'no,' Aro. I'd rather eat platypus turds. Have a nice life, Scarface."

He laughs loudly at this. "It was worth a try. I had a nice time with you, Bella. If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me."

Yeah, in Cell Block 4. I roll my eyes and hang up, shaking my head in disbelief. Wow. Men are unbelievable.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Forty-five minutes into girl's night out and I'm starting to feel really shitty. Rose, Angela and Alice are out on the dance floor having a ball. I'm hoarding my drink at the bar, eyes glued to the entrance. Club Guy isn't here. I've already scoured the place looking for him, and when I was convinced he hadn't arrived yet, I put myself on door patrol.

"Hey, sexy, wanna dance?"

I roll my eyes and groan loudly because the voice I just heard isn't the one I was hoping to hear. I close my eyes and sigh in defeat.

"No, thanks."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Ugh.

I don't even look in his direction, I don't want to converse with this dude and I don't want him thinking he has a chance.

"No, thanks."

Every few minutes, some guy approaches me, asking me to dance. Can't they see I _just_ turned down the last guy? Obviously I'm not freakin' interested in dancing with_ anyone_. Grrr.

After I finish my Granny Punch, I decide to try a Duck Fart. Maybe it'll loosen me up so I can have a good time. I can't just stare at the door all night like some stupid, pathetic loser.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Two hours and three Duck Farts later and I'm still staring at the door. I keep telling myself to stop, but then I argue (in my head, of course) that the second I look somewhere else will be the second he walks through the door. I'm driving myself crazy. Gah!

Alice keeps coming over to check on me. She's extra chipper tonight and it's really working my damn nerves. I don't need her rubbing her happy, peppy, joy-joy mood in my face. Grrr.

After telling Happy Pants for the billionth time that I don't feel like dancing, she shimmies back to the middle of the dance floor. Why can't I just _forget_ about him? Why am I torturing myself? Why am I even _here_?

Realizing I came for nothing, I send a text to Rose telling her that I'm catching a cab home. I don't wanna be a Debbie Downer. Really, I'd rather be home stuffing my face with chocolate cookie dough ice cream and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

I grab my purse and head out before the girls can ambush me and bully me into staying. I just don't wanna be here. I need to be alone. I need to get used to being the lonely girl with a house full of cats, exotic birds and a wall piled with Home Shopping Network boxes.

After exiting the club, I close my eyes and greedily take in a few deep breaths of cool air. I never realize how stifling clubs are until I get outside. It's so refreshing. There are no cabs available, so I call one to come and pick me up. I really wish I didn't have to wait 45 minutes. It would be awesome if I could just travel where I wanted to be in the blink of an eye. Like that movie _Jumpers_. I'd rob so many damn banks, it's not even funny. I'd be so badass. Badass Bella has a nice ring to it. I'd totally be a villain.

My cab finally shows up and I breathe a sigh of relief. I can almost taste that yummy ice cream. Mmmm. I walk over to the cab and open the door.

"Bella! Wait!"

My hand freezes mid-air and goosebumps erupt all over my body. No. It _can't_ be. Can it? I turn around and see him. _Him._ I feel like all of the wind has been knocked out of me. I'm breathless. It's him! I feel like I'm in a daze. Tunnel vision. All of a sudden, I'm inches away from him. I don't remember moving. He's a human magnet. I just naturally gravitate toward him without my brain even registering it. My heart is thumping wildly against my chest. I can't will my mouth to speak. I can't stop staring at him. He's so dazzling. I can happily stand here forever, staring at his face.

"Hi." His smile is devastating. Perfect.

"Hi." I smile back at him and reach my hand out to touch him. I _have _to touch him. I place my hand on his chest, over his heart. It's beating just as rapidly as mine. Is he nervous?

I close my eyes, reveling in the feel of him. The heat radiating off of his body. His heart pumping life into him. I feel his hand cup my cheek and I lean into his touch. So warm. I open my eyes and his face is closer to mine than it was a few seconds ago. Or am I imagining things?

"Bella..." he smiles wistfully and my heart almost bursts. "Do you _feel_ this?"

"Yes," I breathe. I do feel it. The attraction, the pull, the fireworks, the sparks, the tingles, the butterflies... I feel it all. I _need _it all.

He slowly lowers his face to mine. The way he's looking into my eyes ignites a fire within me. Our noses are touching and I close my eyes and close the gap between us, leaning forward the last few centimeters.

Our lips come together and it feels as though I have a hummingbird in my chest. My head is spinning. His lips are so soft. Oh, God. A shiver runs through my body and he tightly wraps his arms around me. Pulling me closer. I push my arms under his jacket and hold onto his back for dear life. No space can be between us. Ever. His body is so muscular and hard and perfect.

I open my mouth to him and when our tongues collide... there are no words to describe it. His mouth tastes divine. His tongue is so soft. I pull his body impossibly closer into mine and moan embarrassingly loud into his mouth as our kiss deepens. This can never stop. I'll surely die if my mouth isn't on his at all times. Bliss. He's kissing and touching me, pouring so much emotion into every caress. I want to cry. This is natural. So beautiful. Kismet.

He pulls back slightly and peppers kisses all over my face. My eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my jaw, my neck. Yes. More.

"Bella..."

I slowly open my eyes to look at him. Drink in every feature. His hair, his beautiful hair. I reach up and run my fingers through it. Oh, it's so soft and thick. He closes his eyes and smiles. My smile. Only for me.

"Bella..."

"What's your name?" I ask while running my thumbs over his cheekbones. I need to feel and memorize every inch of his glorious face.

He opens his eyes and gives me that magnificent smile. If I live two thousand years, I will never tire of that smile. "Edward. My name is Edward."

"Edward." It's perfect. My Edward.

"Bella, can we... get out of here?"

_Mommy_.

"My place isn't too far from here." My voice comes out as barely a whisper.

There goes that smile again. Swoon.

He grabs my hand and my body tingles. I look down at our entwined fingers. They fit perfectly together. He kisses me chastely and starts walking around the building. We're both smiling goofily. My heart is soaring.

"My car's out back."

Lead the way...

------------

A/N:

YIPPEEEEE!!!! *doing River Dance around the room* Club Guy finally made an appearance!

So they're going back to Bella's place... What's gonna happen? Squee!!!

I have a few more date ideas that didn't make it into the story. I'm thinking of making a separate story: Blind Dates Outtakes, comprised of a bunch of Bella's dates. What do you guys think? Yay or nay? Leave a review and let me know!

I have two new stories, a one shot for the Cliché contest called Sex God Hair & Chocolate Orbs. And a crackfic called Out of Control. Have you ever read a fic that was mind-numbingly dumb with spelling that could make a second-grader cringe? Well, Out of Control makes fun of those stories! Hehehe! Check them out (links in my profile) and leave me some love!

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	9. Can I Take U Home?

A/N:

I fucked up trying to post the link to Bella's dress in the last chapter, so here it is again. The freakum dress :-)

www(dot)edressme(dot)

I also forgot to thank coachlady1 for being the most awesomest beta and friend a gal could ask for *hugs*

I don't own Twilight. If I did, Edward would have manned up and destroyed James on the spot at the baseball field. His destruction would then be followed by four straight chapters of smutterific lemons.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

What should have been a three minute walk to Edward's car took more than 15 minutes. When he wasn't pushing me against the brick wall to kiss me senseless, I was sucking his neck and tasting any skin that was within mouth's reach.

When he realized how little ground we'd made, he chuckled and dragged me to his car, swatting away my roaming hands as we walked.

"How much did you drink tonight, Bella?"

I giggled. "Uuuummm... IDK."

He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. "IDK? What's that mean?"

"Edward... Oh, I love saying your name. It's so... _You_."

"I'm glad you like saying it because I love hearing you say it." If he smirks again, I'm gonna have my way with him right here on the pavement. "Now, what does IDK mean?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know and you said it?"

I laugh loudly and a very unladylike snort erupts from my nose. "IDK _means_ 'I don't know,' silly goose! LOL!"

"Okay, I know what LOL means. But now my question is, why are you talking like we're in a chat room?"

"Oh, Club Guy, there is _so_ much you wish you knew what I know but didn't know because I _do_ know but don't want _you_ to know."

There's that smirk again. I stop in front of him and put my hands on his chest.

"I want you," I tell him, biting my lip while gliding my hands around the planes of his torso. Oh, he feels so good.

He roughly rubs his hands over his face and mumbles a low "Fuuuuuck," before gently grabbing my hands and lowering them.

"Bella, I want you too. You don't even know how much I want to be with you. But we can't do that tonight. You're drunk and--"

"I'm not drunk, Edward. Tipsy? Yes. Drunk? No."

"Okay, I believe you. But the fact remains that we just can't be with each other in _that_ way. Not tonight."

"Why?"

He sighs. "Here's my car." He walks to the passenger side and opens my door for me.

"Thanks," I say quietly. Silently wondering why he doesn't want to have sex with me tonight. Maybe he's old-fashioned.

He quickly walks around to his side and opens the door. When he gets in, a gush of air follows and the scent of his cologne envelopes me. I inhale deeply and smile, basking in Edwardly goodness.

"You smell so good. What cologne is that?"

Another smirk. Le swoon.

"It's called Blue Seduction." The word seduction coming from his lips makes my lady bits tingle a bit. I cross my legs to try and stifle the feeling.

"What do you want to listen to?" He points to his iPod and I pick it up.

"Just a warning, I have some questionable stuff on there and I don't want any sass from you about it."

"Sass? Ha! Okay, no sassin' will come from these lips," but hopefully some moans will be coming from them later.

"Justin Bieber?"

"Hey, no sassin', remember?"

"Touchy, touchy. I didn't even say anything."

"You _implied_."

"I did?"

"You know you did."

"Hmm... Miley Cyrus?"

"It's catchy!"

"Mmmm-hmmm..." I give him the side eye. "Taylor Swift?"

"I like the video," he shrugs.

"Yeah, it _is_ pretty cute. I like the song, too."

"Oooh! I freakin' _love_ this song!"

I put the iPod back in its place as Jamie Foxx's "Can I Take U Home" fills the silence of the car.

"So, Miss Bella, which way to your place?"

I give him directions, close my eyes and listen to the song.

"This is the perfect song. It really describes how I felt when I first saw you. You were so beautiful, sitting at the bar. Everyone else disappeared, and you were the only thing that mattered. The only person in my world." He takes a deep breath. "I tried to find you, you know."

"I never thought I'd see you again," I say sadly.

He reaches over and grabs my hand, bringing it to his lips. I close my eyes and relish the feeling of his warm lips on me.

"Your friend, Alice, found me." My eyes widen in shock.

"She _did_?!?!" I shriek, then quickly cover my mouth, embarrassed by my outburst. But shit, I can't help it. _Alice_?!

"Yeah, she had a pretty hard time, too," he chuckles. "She let me have it when she found me, for putting her through so much trouble. She sure is a teeny little firecracker."

"That she is," I agree, laughing. "All two feet of her!"

"So, you never wondered how I knew your name?"

"Hmmm, I guess not... weird. I was just so caught up in seeing you, everything else just... didn't matter, I guess."

I pick up the iPod to choose another song.

"Oooh, Tenacious D! Love them!"

"Which one will you pick?"

"Do you have a request?"

"Nope. Just wondering which one you like the best."

"I can never decide between 'Dude,' 'Master Exploder' and 'Greatest Song in the World.' I like 'Baby,' too."

I decide on "Dude (I Totally Miss You)" and sing along, gleefully. Tenacious D just makes me happy for some reason.

"Did you think about me?" Edward asks. I stop singing and turn to face him.

"Every day, Edward. A day didn't go by that I didn't think of you. The connection was... _is_... unreal. I've never felt anything so intense. It's like... I just _have_ to be near you, touching you..."

"I feel the same way, Bella, really," he sighs. "I was driving myself crazy, thinking about you. Where you were and what you were doing. And now I finally have you. It's surreal. Like a dream..." He kisses my hand again and a smile breaks across my face. I feel like I'm floating. "I almost didn't make it tonight. There was a pretty bad accident and most of the roads were blocked. I almost lost it, not knowing if I'd make it to you on time."

"I waited for you, hoping you'd be there. I stared at the door all night. I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

"I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. For not trying harder to chase you that night. For not trying hard enough to find you."

"Don't be silly, Club Guy," he looks at me questioningly. "Well, I didn't know your name, so I called you Club Guy in my head," I smile at him. "As I was saying, don't be like that. No regrets. We're together now and that's _all _that matters."

"I agree, 'Moany,'" he smirks playfully at me.

"Moany?!"

"You had the sexiest moans. Drove me damn crazy that night. I still can't get the way you sound out of my head." He averts his eyes away from the road to look at me suggestively and I blush.

The next song comes on, "Master Exploder." I silently breathe a sigh of relief because the conversation was getting a little heavy. And by heavy, I mean he was making me horny. I laugh (which is usually my reaction when a Tenacious D song plays) and turn up the volume, singing loudly, playing air guitar.

"I do not need _he does not need_ a microphone! _A microphone. _My voice is FUCKIN' POWERFUUUL!"

Edward joins me, laughing through the lyrics.

"I did not mean _he did not mean_ to blow your mind _to blow your mind_, but that shit happens to me all the tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!!!"

I thrash my head, flinging my hair around, playing the hell out of my air guitar, really getting into the song.

"Take a look _take a look_ tell me what do you see? _Tell me what you see?_ We got the pick of DESTINYYYYYYYYY! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

When the song is over, I'm slightly winded and Edward is doubled over the steering wheel, laughing and gasping for breath, trying to keep his eyes on the road.

"Sorry. I really get into that song," I blush.

He laughs even harder. "Yeah, I can kinda tell."

"Oh! Here's where I live! Turn right here."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

After entering my place, I got drinks for Edward and myself. He sat on the couch and I laid down and put my head in his lap. He took my hair down and played with it, running his fingers through it, massaging my scalp. We sat like that for who knows how long, smiling affectionately at each other. No words were needed. I was perfectly happy staring into his gorgeous eyes. But of course, I couldn't stay quiet for too long.

"I love your stubble," I tell him, reaching up to touch it. Mmmm.

He looks surprised. "Really?"

"Mmm-hmm. You should keep stubble on your face at all times. It's _very_ sexy. I love your sideburns, too. And your smile. And the way your eyes squint when you laugh."

"You _are_ drunk," he laughs.

"Am NOT!" I hit his chest and he stops laughing. The way he looks at me, eyes hooded, makes goosebumps erupt across my body. I grab his shirt and pull his face down to me. I need to feel his lips. Taste him.

We share a slow and passionate kiss. Tongues mingling, learning and exploring. His hand travels down my side, lightly grazing the side of my breast and I moan into his mouth. His touch sends a jolt through my skin. His fingers slowly continue their journey and I'm panting in anticipation. His hand stops on my hip and lazily makes its way to my ass. He slowly, gently kneads my cheek.

He breaks the kiss and gets off of the couch, rolling me onto my back, giving me a chaste kiss. Standing up, he takes off his shirt, eyes never leaving mine. I look down at this new, delectable skin that has just been revealed to me. My eyes are glued to his chest. Giggity. Defined pecs, pierced nipple, bulging biceps, six-pack abs... and the "v"... dear God, the "v." And is that a tattoo?! Oh, plump baby Jesus, he has a tattoo! I have to look away before my uterus explodes. My eyes slowly travel back up to his eyes, drinking in the view as I go.

He throws his shirt across the room and looks like he wants to devour me as he slowly lowers himself on top of my body. I'll gladly let him. Anything to be closer. My hands reach up to feel him, dragging my hands around his torso, making their way to his muscular back. I pull him closer to me and he dives for my neck, expertly licking and kissing and nipping, driving me crazy. I lift my left leg and wrap it around his back to pull him closer still. Every point on our bodies is touching and his erection is exactly where I want it. I tighten my leg around him and grind on him, trying desperately to get what I need. I _need_ him. He moans into my neck at my brazen act. His moan will be my undoing. I don't know how many more of his moans I can take.

"Bella," he moans into my neck. Oh my...

I reach my hands down and grab his ass, pushing him even closer.

"Edward... I need you. I _need _you..."

All of a sudden, he stops his movements. Everything is still.

"Edward?"

"Bella... we can't. We can't do this," his voice breaks like he's in pain.

"Why not? What's wrong?" I bring my hand up to caress his face. "Please look at me. Is it too soon?"

He gets up, still not looking at me, and puts his shirt back on. I quickly sit up and pull my dress down, feeling slightly ashamed and embarrassed. He plops back down on the couch and starts tugging his hair, his breathing is labored. I sit quietly, rubbing his back waiting for him to talk to me. The silence is deafening and scaring the shit out of me. He drops his face onto his hands, and tries to calm his breathing. After an eternity, he speaks through his hands, so low, I have to concentrate to hear him.

"Bella... oh, God, Bella. We-we can't... I can't-I... Just, please. Please just hear me out, okay?"

This can't be good. I can feel my hands shaking, a slight sweat breaking out across my forehead. My lip just may bleed from the force my teeth are using to bite into it. He brings his face up from his hands and looks at me with watery eyes. Oh, shit.

"I... I have a girlfriend."

And just that quickly, my heart shatters. My soul is broken. I can't breathe. Can't. Breathe.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A/N:

*runs into hiding*


	10. Blame It on the Alcohol

A/N:

I don't own Twilight. If I did, Jacob would've imprinted on Leah and Renesmee would never have come into existence.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

For months I had been trying to forget him. Logically, it shouldn't have been hard. He was a stranger, someone I shared a brief intimate moment with. I held out hope that one day, some man would come along and sweep me off of my feet, effectively making me forget about Club Guy.

But now I know that will never happen. Now that I've gotten a taste of what being with him is like, I'll never be able to forget him. His taste. His smile. His laugh. His touch... all forever embedded into my memory. Into my soul. Now I know that compared to him no one will ever be enough. No one will ever be good enough. No one will compare to _him_.

Somehow, fate has yet again made my life into some big ass cosmic joke.

He has a girlfriend.

He's taken.

I wrap my arms around myself to try and dull the pain in my chest. To hold myself together.

He has a girlfriend.

I hunch over as I feel all of the air leave my lungs. It's as if someone punched me in the gut. The pain is almost unbearable.

"Get out."

"Bella, please. Just _please_ hear me out. She--"

"NO! I do NOT want to hear about _her_! How _dare _you? Making me... _feel _this way. Giving me some false sense of hope, thinking we could... knowing ALL along that we can't be together! WHY?! Why would you do this? NO! I don't wanna know. I DON'T! You need to leave." I'm gasping for breath. I can't get enough oxygen into my lungs.

"It's been over for a--"

"Shut up! Get. Out."

"No."

"_Excuse _me? Get out of my fucking house before I call the police!"

"I can't leave you. I can't be without you, Bella. Not again. What I feel for you, I can't explain it. This is so real, Bella. You feel it. We belong toge--"

"Don't _even_! Don't you _dare_! If you feel so strongly about me, why the hell are you in a relationship?! You came to the club tonight with the intention of meeting me. Why? You. Have. A. Girlfriend!"

I'm seething with rage. Sometime during my rant I made my way over to him and began roughly poking him in the chest.

"It's complicated."

"_Complicated_?! Well, allow me to _un_complicate things. Get the hell out of my house. You're no longer welcome here!" I begin pushing him with all of my might, but he won't budge. He grabs my hands and I struggle to break free.

"Let go of me!!!" I yell, thrashing around violently trying to get out of his hold.

"Bella, I don't love her. I do _not _want to be with her. Only you. You're the one, Bella. I... this is unmistakable. _Feel_ this, Bella. We fucking _belong_ together."

"Let me go, Edward. Let me FUCKING GO!" More thrashing and yanking and pulling.

"Never."

"Why?!" I screech, "Why are you doing this to me?! You want your precious girlfriend while keeping me on the side? Why would you even _think_ to put me—or _anyone_ in this situation? Knowing how I feel... this is so unfair to _me_, Edward. Why? Just please, let me go." I drop my hands and lower my head in defeat.

By the look on Edward's face, he knows I'm not just talking about his letting go of my hands. He needs to let me go, so I can move on with my life. If he's not willing to break up with his girlfriend, then we just can't be together. If he can't do this _one_ thing, get rid of this _one_ obstacle in our way... tears fall from my eyes. Angry tears? Dejected tears? Tears for what could have been? Who knows? But I won't let Edward see my weakness. I turn my head away from him and shield my face with my hair.

"Please. I need you so much, Bella."

"No you fucking _don't_! If you _need_ me and _want_ me and _feel _all of this shit for me, then WHY are you with her?! This _one_ fucking hurdle that's keeping us apart and you don't even care enough about me to end things with her! You don't fucking care. You're _still_ with her! I don't wanna hear anymore bullshit, Edward. No more! I will _not_ be some side piece, some goddamn late night booty call. That's not me and it will never_ be_ me. You're wasting your breath. Leave!"

"Bella, I... her parents died."

"What?!"

"Her parents. They died and she's going through a hard time right now. I was planning on ending things with her, but her parents died and she's taking it really hard. I can't leave her in the state she's in, Bella. She's suicidal."

"How convenient. So you're a therapist, now?"

"No," he pinches the bridge of his nose and I snatch my hands from his grasp and back away from him. He looks hurt that I've put distance between us. "She won't see a therapist. I've been trying to talk her into it, but she's just not being... rational."

"I don't even know what to say right now. How am I supposed to respond to that? What do you expect me to do?" I'm so confused. I'm cursing the alcohol flowing through my system, fucking up my thought process.

He slowly walks over to me and pulls me into his arms. I keep my arms crossed in front of my body, but lay my head on his chest. The chest that _should_ be mine.

"I don't expect anything from you. I'm not asking you to be some kind of mistress. I would never ask that of you."

"Then what _do_ you want? This is so much to take in... I'm hurting _so _much right now." I can't control the tears anymore and my body shakes with my quiet sobs. I uncross my arms and fist his shirt in my hands while I release my frustration and pain and anger.

He rakes one hand through my hair while rubbing my back with the other. His touch is so soothing. I don't want it to be. I'm so angry and embarrassed for feeling this strongly about him. I want to punch him and kiss him, kick him out and make love to him. I feel like a fucking fool. A weak and pathetic fool.

"You don't have to think about anything or make any decisions tonight, Bella. But please know that as soon as she's better, I'm leaving her. The _second_ she shows improvement, I'll come running to be with you and _only_ you. Only you, Bella. I promise. Please."

I'm so confused. All of these emotions running through me over this man I hardly know anything about. How can it be this _powerful_ in such a short amount of time? None of this makes sense. What I feel for him... defies logic. It's insane. I feel so _helpless_ against what I'm feeling and I hate it. I. Hate. It.

I fucking hate him, but I can't be without him. Nothing makes sense. As pitiful as it makes me, I know without a doubt that I'll take Edward in any way I can have him. I won't be the other woman. But I can be his friend. I can't fathom not having him in my life. I _hate _this.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

I wake up to the sun shining cheerily in my face. I squeeze my eyes tighter and throw my blanket over my head. My head is pounding.

"Oh god."

Maybe last night was all a dream. A horrible nightmare. Maybe Edward and I had hot sex last night and I can't remember because of the alcohol. Yeah, that's it. I look down and see that I'm still in the dress I wore last night. I groan. If I'm still clothed, then sex is taken off the table.

"Hey, Beautiful."

I jerk my head to the right and see Edward. Then immediately close my eyes and grab my head. The rapid movement makes me dizzy.

"Hey," I croak out. "Please tell me last night was a nightmare."

His silence answers my question and I groan again.

"Why are you here?"

"I told you, Bella, I can't leave you."

I scoff.

"So what now? You leave and go back to her? Then expect me to sit at home, waiting for you?"

"We don't live together. It never came to that because I don't have those kinds of feelings for her... I need you to know that I'm not and _will_ not be intimate or affectionate with her. I promise you, Bella. I'm yours."

"No," I say sadly, "you're _not_mine."

He runs a hand through his hair. "This is so hard for me..."

"Hard for _you_? This is hard for_YOU_?" He can't be serious.

"It is for both of us. I can't imagine how you feel right now and I wish more than anything that I could fix this."

"You _can _fix it, Edward."

"I can't and you know that. I can't have someone's blood on my hands. If I leave, I have no doubt that she'll kill herself."

"Why don't you get her committed?"

"Only family members can have someone committed. I've wracked my brain and I can't think of a way out of this that doesn't end badly."

"So what now?"

"Whatever you want... that doesn't involve us being apart."

"I won't be the other woman."

"I'd never ask you to be. You're worth so much more than that." He lifts my hand and kisses it gently. My arm breaks out in goosebumps. I hate the effect he has on my body. I hate that I can't control it.

"We need rules."

"Rules?"

"Rules."

"Okay, so what are the rules?"

"While you're in a relationship," I grimace, "we can only be friends. No cheating on your girlfriend."

"What constitutes as cheating?"

"Well, um... sex, obviously. That includes oral... and anal. Kissing--"

"Not everyone thinks kissing is cheating."

"If I were your girlfriend, would you mind my kissing other guys?"

"Good point. So... no kissing?"

"Kissing on the cheek is fine. Friends kiss each other on the cheek. Uuum, hugging is fine. Friends hug."

"So no kind of sex or kissing on the mouth. Got it."

"How long can you stay?"

"As long as you want me to stay."

"What about your... her?"

"She's fine, for now."

"Did you ever love her?"

"No."

"So if you never had feelings for her, if you weren't serious, why didn't you break up with her a long time ago? What's the story?"

"Well... I met her a few months ago. We were friends and things just... progressed, I guess you could say. One day we were friends and the next she was kissing me and telling people she was my girlfriend. I enjoyed her company, so I just went with it. I thought she really cared for me, but after a while, I realized she was just using me--"

"Wait, _using_ you?"

"Yeah. My family is pretty prominent in the community. That's part of the reason Alice had such a hard time finding me. No one wanted to give her any information and risk getting on my family's bad side, so to speak. So, yeah... she was using me, trying to talk me into marriage a few weeks into the _relationship_. We were always fighting; I was so miserable. After some pretty intense arguing, she finally talked me into letting her meet my family and that was a complete nightmare. Needless to say, they hated her and pleaded with me to break up with her.

"After a while, she didn't even _try_ to hide the fact that she was after my money. She'd sneak my credit cards and go on shopping sprees... I tried to break up with her so many times before, but she'd always run away, hang up on me or disappear for a few weeks. And now her parents have died and even though I want nothing more than to be done with her, I can't. I'd never be able to live with myself."

"I understand."

"You do?!"

"I don't like it, but yes, I understand."

"Can... can I... hold you?"

I slowly nod my head and scoot over to him, laying my head on his chest. I feel him kiss the top of my head before letting sleep take over.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

A/N:

So what do you guys think? Edward's not a _total _asshole, now is he? He's just trying to keep ol' girl from blowing her brains out. Noble, right?

For some reason, the link to that damn dress won't show up! Grrr!

You guys have to read Twilight Chat Room by ., it's soooo fuckin' funny!

A big ass thank you a boob grope to coachlady1 for being full of win!

Oh! I'm on Twitter now! Don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but you can come and follow me or some shit. Maybe we can talk about Edward's loverly peen. My name is Tiffnificent. Awesome name, am I right? :-)

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	11. Girl Talk

**A/N:**

**So it seems as though the consensus is: Edward is far from noble, but he's not a total dickmongler. Ha! My awesomely hawt beta coachlady1 has helped a lot with the development of this story. I don't know what I'd do without her and her pervy brain.**

**Oh, it's been brought to my attention that the crazy girlfriend/dead parent scenario has already been in another fic. I had no idea and feel kinda sucky about it because I thought I was being all smart-like and original. But hey, with over 150,000 Twilight fics, something like this is bound to happen, right?...**

**I don't own Twilight. If I did, Jasper's peen would've had a prominent role in the book. Get it? _Prominent_? Hehehe!**

*************

After the rule making, snuggling and sleeping, Edward stayed over for the weekend. We had a great time getting to know one another. He's such an intriguing man, I feel as though I could spend the rest of my life trying to discover every little quirk that makes him uniquely Edward.

I finally had to kick him out of my place when we started getting a little _too_ comfortable. It's extremely hard being around him due to the out of this world attraction between us; we just _cannot_ keep our hands to ourselves. Hand holding and hugging eventually turned into a grope-fest that would have turned into hot gorilla sex had I not stopped it. Turning him away was ridiculously hard to do, but I knew that I would feel like a shitcake afterwards, had I lost control. My conscience just wouldn't let me do it.

Before he left, we shared a long hug and stared at each other, resting our foreheads together, giving each other Eskimo kisses. Any passerby would have probably been nauseous at our sugary sweet display, but we didn't care. So many unspoken words passed between us in those few minutes, and I knew exactly what he was feeling. Our connection is just unreal at times.

Sleeping without him that first night was pretty hard. I was extremely frustrated while tossing and turning, fuming because my body had gone over 20 years sleeping just fine by itself. Then Edward comes along and in a few measly nights, my body can't cope with sleeping without his body under mine. Unbelievable.

Here it is, the following Friday, and I've called a DPC (Daiquiri, Pizza & Chick-Flicks) with the girls. When one of us calls a DPC, it doesn't matter what anyone's doing... sex, shopping, working, sex, sleeping, sex... When a DPC is called, you drop whatever you're doing and get to the troubled BFF A.S.A.F.P.

Twenty minutes later and my girls are all gathered in my living room. Angela's putting _How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days_ in the DVD player, Rose is setting the drinks on the table and Alice is piling pizza onto our plates. When they're all done with the set-up, they turn to me with expectant faces, waiting for me to spill it. I decide to stay quiet for a few minutes to fuck with their heads.

After about ten minutes of my silence, Rose huffs, "Jesus, Bella! Are you gonna talk or what? I could be home fucking Emmett right now! Do you know the things he had planned tonight? _Huh_?! He was gonna—"

"First off, hell to the no. _No one_ wants to hear about how Emmett is gonna suck gummy worms out of your cooch. Or how he wants to eat Cap'N Crunch and Toaster Strudel frosting off of your ass cheeks, okay? We've all accidentally been exposed to the fuckery and we'd like to keep _hearing_ about it to a minimum to keep the night terrors at bay. Thank you."

The girls snicker and Rose rolls her eyes. I then tell them about how I found Club Guy, the chemistry, him coming back to my place, the girlfriend situation and our rules.

"So what?" Rose asks when I'm finished with my story. "Are you just gonna sit at home being all gloomy and shit until he's single?"

"Of course!" Alice exclaims. "He's _the one_, Rosalie, of _course_ she's gonna wait for him! It will be so worth it in the end! I'd wait forever for my Jas, as I'm sure you and Ange would wait for Em and Ben. Right, Angela?"

"Um... weeeelllll... he has a _girlfriend_, guys. I don't think it'd be healthy for Bella to just put her life on hold—"

"Of _course_ I'm not going to put my life on hold! Yes, Edward is _it_ for me, but I refuse to sit around moping and shit. When he's ready, I'll be here. But until then, I'm still going to date."

"WHAT?!?!"

"Al, sheesh! calm down—"

"Calm _DOWN_?! After _everything_ I went through and you're just gonna go... _fuck _with other guys?! You _know_ he's your soulmate and you're _still _going to date losers and weirdos?! I almost lost Jasper trying to find Edward!!! And you just go throw it back in my fucking face?! I am _done, _Bella!"

My jaw hits the fucking floor. I've never seen Alice lose her shit and she only reserves cussing for seriously asshole-ish situations. I look at my friends to find Rose and Angela wearing expressions similar to mine.

"What? Alice, you know I would never do—"

"Do I know, Bella? _Do I _?! Because I _thought_ you wanted—"

"Al, calm down, please. I don't want you to be upset. Just calm down."

"I'm leaving. I don't need to hear any more of this bullshit! I'm going home to my husband to show him how much I appreciate him and to let him know he's the _only_ man for me."

I cringe at her not-so-subtle jab as she quickly grabs her purse and makes a mad dash for the door.

"Alice, you know I don't like fighting with you. Please don't leave!" I run and block her way through the door. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you. Let's just sit down so we can talk."

"Talk? You wanna _talk_?! Let's talk about the thousands of dollars I spent on bribes to find your _precious _Edward. The same Edward who has made it abundantly clear that _you're_ the _only_ one for him. Or we can talk about the times when you would lock yourself in this house for weeks at a time, lonely, depressed and ignoring my phone calls. How about the money spent on the _marriage counseling_ that Jas and I went through? I was so hell bent on finding Club Guy that I put _my_ life— You know what? I don't need to explain any of this, Isabella. You obviously don't care what the hell I went through. So you just go right on ahead. Just go on your little dates, fuck all of these random men and ruin your _only_ chance at happiness—"

"Alice, that's enough!" I look back and see Rose walking toward us. "You know damn well that Bella would never do anything to hurt you. I think that was made painfully obvious when she refused to talk with you about Edward because she didn't want you feeling guilty. You know, since you literally _yanked_ him out of her life and all. He's in a goddamn _relationship_, Alice. What the fuck do you expect? For her to sit at home with her thumb up her ass, listening to Sinead O'Conner like some emo asshole? So damn what if she wants to date these dudes, it's not like she's gonna fuck 'em. We _all _know she's a goddamn _prude_!... No offense, Bella."

I cross my arms and roll my eyes.

"Going on these dates will help the time go by faster for her and she'll have some entertaining company as well. We can't be here with her 24/7. She needs _someone_ to keep her out of a damn funk because you and I both know how pathetic she gets when she's all lonely and self-deprecating and shit... No offense, Bella."

I scoff and flip her off. Bitch.

"Ali, you know good and goddamn well that if you were in her situation, every damn second without Jas would be a fucking _eon_! You'd probably go fucking bat-shit crazy, just sitting around, waiting. And speaking of Jasper, we get it, okay? You almost lost him and that sucks. It really does. But if you were _honest _with him about what the fuck you were doing and where you were going, you never would have needed counseling and shit in the first place. Bella never asked you to find Edward. That shit's on you. So you spent a stupid amount of money to find him. And? She didn't ask you to. You took it upon your damn self to do business with those shady ass sons-a-bitches. _You _decided to be all sneaky and shit, going behind our backs to find Edward because you wanted help your best friend out in any way you could. Now you turn around and rub the hardships that _you _brought upon _yourself _in _her _face and make her feel like a dinosaur shit-fossil when she doesn't do things the _Alice _way... Well, congratulations Mrs. Whitlock, you are _officially _the biggest cunt muffin on the planet. Your prize will be that this petty bullshit will _never _be brought the hell up again. Now shut the fuck up, close your big ass mouth, sit the fuck down and watch this fucking movie because I'll be damned if this night is wasted. I could've been fucking Emmett!" With that, she turns on her heel and angrily sashays away.

Alice looks stupefied as she stiffly walks back to the living room, plops down on the couch and stares off into space like a zombie.

Angela looks like she's seen a ghost and is awkwardly staring at the floor, picking at imaginary lint.

I'm still standing at the door with my arms dangling at my sides, eyes bugging out of my head.

Rose is sprawled out in front of the TV watching the movie, laughing loudly, guffaws muffled by a mouth stuffed with pizza as if she didn't just hand Alice her own ass on a silver platter.

*************

The next week passes fairly quickly. Alice apologized for how she acted and all was forgiven. Besties can never stay mad for too long. She doesn't agree with my continuing to see other men, but she can understand where I'm coming from.

Edward's girlfriend has been a little more off of her rocker than usual, so he's been spending every day with her, talking her off the ledge, so to speak. We resorted to talking on the phone multiple times a day, but even that eventually led the way to Phone Sex Boulevard. I had to put a stop to that because phone sex is _sex_. So we then decided we'd communicate by text messaging until we were cooled down enough to speak on the phone. Needless to say, we spent all week texting.

I didn't know how to break the news that I'd be dating other men, so I just didn't bring it up. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

So here I sit, on a park bench with Sam, eating cute little finger-foods on a rare sunny day. The date has been pretty decent so far, but I know not to let my guard down just yet. He seems like a decent enough guy, though. Handsome, nice job, nice car, sweet and thoughtful. There's one odd problem: he keeps excusing himself to the bathroom. I find this really weird because public park toilets are disgusting and I don't know anyone who uses them. I wonder if he has IBS. He comes back from the restroom and apologizes for the seventh time.

"I'm so sorry, you must think horribly of me," he tells me, sitting down, grabbing a sandwich off of the table.

"No, not at all," I assure him. "It's fine, really," I say before taking a bite out of a strawberry. I feel a little trickle of juice slide down the corner of my mouth.

"Whoops!" I chuckle while reaching for a napkin. "How embarrassing! I'm such a klutz—"

In the middle of wiping my mouth, I look up and see Sam's right arm swiftly moving up and down. Ummm....

"What are you doing, Sam? What's wrong with your arm?"

"Ung... oh shit... I couldn't stop myself. Couldn't make it... to bathroom. Fuuuck. You're just so... sexy. Strawberries..." The rest of Sam's words are garbled and hard to make out. His eyes are rolling into the back of his head and his other hand is fiercely gripping the edge of the table. What the hell is he doing?... Oh! Oh. Hell. No. This fool is jacking off under this damn table!

"Sam! This is a family park—there are _kids _here! What the hell are you doing?!"

"Fuck, baby, you're so sexy when you're angry." His arm is working double-time now, moving at warp speed... it's like a hummingbird wing or some shit. I didn't know a human arm could move so fast. He must practice a _lot_. Poor thing. I'd be surprised if he has any skin left on his sausage after rubbing it so fast. Wait, what the hell am I thinking?

"Stop it!" I can't believe this is actually happening. This man is pleasuring himself and little kids are running around, playing on the jungle gym! I give him the ultimate laser-death glare of doom, which is reserved for only the most dire of situations.

"Bellllllllllllaaaaaaaaa! Yes! Keep looking at me like that! So Close! Ung... Yes!"

A mom pushing a baby stroller walks by us and does a double take at Sam. She gasps and pulls out her cell phone. Sam is oblivious since I doubt he can hear anything over his obscenely loud moaning. Plus his eyes are now in the back of his skull. More stroller pushing moms begin to congregate around Nosey Mom Number 1, pointing and gasping. I take that as my cue to leave before _To Catch A Predator_ is called to the scene. I snag a few cookies and sandwiches before hightailing it out of there. Thank goodness I drove myself!

On my way home, Edward calls and I forget all about Sam and his compulsive masturbation.

"Edward," I sigh in delight. Just saying his name makes me giddy. And incredibly horny. Mmmmm, Edward...

"Hey, Beautiful. Are you busy? Can I come over?" Yes, please. Can _I _come? Preferably on your magic stick, but your face is also an acceptable option...

"Nope, not busy at all. Are you hungry? I have sandwiches and cookies," _and condoms_...

"Condoms?"

Oops, did I say that part out loud?

************

**A/N:**

**So I was going to make a Blind Dates Outtakes, but with coachlady1's help, decided to have Bella continue on with dating. So outtakes won't be necessary. Yay!**

**Is Rosalie badass or _what_?! Haha!**

**Okay, I'm _determined_ to get this dress link to work, damnit! FFnet will _not_ defeat me! *shaking fist in the air* Close the gaps, beauties :-)**

**www . edressme . com / pleather-dress-17 .html**

**Until next time, my loverlies! Smooches! ^_^**


	12. Release

**A/N:**

**Here is Edward's tattoo. Just imagine it says "Cullen" and is on Edward's lean, muscley body. Close all of the gaps and prepare to drool, babes.**

**http:// lemonpepper . files . wordpress . com / 2008 / 12 / brody_jenner . jpg?w = 270&h = 379 #214,299**

**I want to take a second to thank all of my faithful readers and reviewers. You guys seriously don't know how happy it makes me to know that you enjoy my work. I truly love and appreciate you all ((((HUGS))))**

**Disclaimer 1: There's some sexy times in this here chapter. You've been warned.**

**Disclaimer 2: I don't own Twilight. If I did, all of the Twilight men would have worn boxer briefs throughout the entire movie. And nothing else. Yum.**

"Wha-what are you talking about?"

"You said you have condoms...?"

"Huh? Oh! Oh, no, silly!... I said... BON-BONS! Yeah, I said I have Bon-Bons, not condoms. Get your mind out of the gutter, sheesh!"

"Hm, I could have _sworn_... Anyway, I'll be there in about fifteen minutes, is that okay?"

"Perfect."

"See ya, Beautiful."

"Bye, Sweetness."

Whew, that was close! Must. Filter. Big. Mouth.

Dear Diary,

I know it's been a while since I've talked to you. Don't be mad, but my life has been so crazy, I kind of forgot about you :-/

So I'll update you on what's been going on... I've had this weird... _thing _with this guy named Edward. Don't you just love that name? Anyway, we have this unbelievable connection. I literally feel sparks when he touches me and butterflies when he's near me. But it's not just physical, even though he's absolutely gorgeous, it's... _soul-deep_, Diary. I know without a doubt in my mind that he's _The One_.

So you must be wondering what the problem is, right? Well, he's in a relationship. Yes, you heard me, he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who lost her mind when her parents were killed in a gruesome car accident. Drunk drivers suck ass. Although the girl has my sympathy, I can't help but feel as though she's taking advantage of Edward and his kindness. She's constantly using her parents' death as an excuse to make Edward spend money on her. It grates on my nerves that she exploits the memory of her parents as justification for her extravagant "retail therapy."

If she doesn't get her way, she'll turn all psycho, threatening to kill herself, throwing outrageously expensive tantrums—cutting upholstery, breaking windows, throwing antique China, scratching Edward's car, pouring bleach on his clothes and more. She never breaks things at her own place, but won't hesitate to trash Edward's belongings. His neighbors have called the police on numerous occasions due to her incessant screeching keeping them up at night. And he takes it all in stride, too afraid to upset her.

Sometimes I get incredibly annoyed with how docile he acts with her, literally letting her act like a spoiled child. You know that saying in the Bible, "Spare the rod, spoil the child"? Well, if I ever come face-to-face with little missy, there will be _no_ sparing of the rod...

Lately she's been requiring more and more of Edward's time. I think she knows something is up, but Edward is in denial about it. For the last few months I've been getting weird voicemails and letters. They're blank. The letters are completely blank, no return address or anything, just an empty sheet of paper inside of a blank envelope, save for my name and address. And the calls and voicemails are silent, the only sound is the caller's soft breathing into the receiver. At first it creeped me out, but now it's gotten old and has lost its scare-factor. Yawn. So now, if I have nothing else to do, I just talk to the caller. Telling jokes, talking about my day, the weather, Silly Putty, anal plugs—whatever the hell pops into my head. Then I just hang up when I'm bored and go about my business. I imagine my nonchalance annoys her to no end. Ha ha, bitch. Ha. Ha.

Spending time with Edward is heavenly. I can never know enough about him. He's so caring, compassionate, intelligent, spiritual. I'm so in love with him, Diary. Sometimes it's painful, not being able to physically express my love for him, to feel connected with him in _that_ way. We haven't said the "L" word to each other. I know we _feel_ it, but I guess we're waiting until we can actually consummate our love to say it aloud. I've almost slipped so many times. It's incredibly hard to keep that word to myself when I feel it so strongly. It can be so all-consuming when I'm with him that I have to constantly think about what I say, before I say it, so I won't let it slip.

He has the key to my house, Diary. He was so shocked when I surprised him with it a few weeks ago, but it makes sense. Sometimes he knocks when I'm in the middle of a shower, or cooking or using the bathroom or doing laundry. It's really convenient for him to be able to just walk in without interrupting what I'm doing.

I've been in this... _thing _with Edward for a little over seven months. It's becoming borderline tortuous to be with him while having to refrain from being intimate. Being limited to hugs and chaste, friendly kisses is just... maddening. I don't know how much longer I can hold on, Diary. The sexual tension between us is palpable. My vibrators have been getting a helluva workout messin' with me. I keep a case of double A's in my nightstand. The Energizer Bunny can't hang with my neglected cooch.

Oh, and I'm still dating other men. I know none of the dates will ever evolve into anything meaningful. It's more of feeling like I have _some_ kind of regulation in my life. My attraction to Edward, the situation we're in... so much of it is out of my control and can be incredibly overwhelming and depressing if I linger too long on it. My dating sort of helps me feel free and the nut jobs help me pass the time when I can't be with Edward. Make sense?

Well, I'm pretty sleepy right now. But I promise to let you know if anything of importance happens. See ya!

I close my diary and put it back in its place in my nightstand drawer.

Thinking about Edward has gotten me all hot and bothered. He was supposed to come by today, but _she_ _needed_ him. The amount of disdain I have for her grows every minute of every day.

I'm tired as hell, but decide to give myself some much needed release before bed. I sigh and pull out Thumper. My cute little rabbit should do the trick tonight.

I take my shorts and panties off and throw them somewhere on the floor, I'll pick 'em up later. Lying down on the bed, keeping my head slightly elevated on my pillow, I close my eyes and lower Thumper to my center. I turn it on high speed; no need to prolong this, I'm too horny and sleepy.

As soon as the vibrator makes contact, images of Edward flood my mind. His scent, his eyes, his long fingers. I arch my back at the sensation and moan, moving the toy in shallow circles around my clit. With my free hand, I push the top of my tank top down and pull my breast out, slowly tugging and pinching my nipple. I roll my hips in soft circles, pushing the vibrator harder into my clitoris. So close.

"Oh, Edward, yessss."

"_Holy hell_!"

My eyes fly open and I throw my blanket over the lower half of my body.

"What the fuck!!!" I yell, heart about to fly out of my chest. "Edward! You scared the hell out of me! _Jesus_!" I clutch the skin over my heart, willing it to slow down.

I look up at him and he's gripping the doorjamb tightly, jaw clenched, eyes closed, forehead scrunched.

"Edward?"

"Fuck. Fuck, Bella!"

"Are you okay?"

He opens his eyes, his lids are hooded. "I want you. Now."

I close my eyes and count to ten, trying to regain my composure, before I lose my shit and ride him until his dick breaks.

"Edward... you know we can't. God, I want you so bad, but we can't."

"Fuck... I know you're right." He pulls roughly on his hair. "I'm gonna stay the night, okay? Why don't you lay down, I'm gonna get my bag out of my car and heat something up. I didn't have any dinner."

"Oh, well, let me make you something."

"No, Baby, it's late. Just lay down for me and I'll come join you in a bit, okay?"

"'Kay."

He leaves the room and I get up to put my shorts on. Oddly enough, I'm not embarrassed at all about being caught. I wonder how he feels. I mean, horny, obviously, but is there anything else? Frustration, maybe? I can't even imagine how blue his balls must be. His dick is probably gonna go on strike any day now. I snuggle my head into my pillow and close my eyes as I hear Edward close the front door.

My eyes open with a start.

"Edward?" I scoot over to snuggle with him and the bed is empty. I squint at the digital clock on my dresser—2:57 am. My brow furrows in confusion. Where the hell is he?

I look around the room and notice light streaming into the room from under the bathroom door. Oh no, is he sick? Lord knows the boy can't even cook cereal. Probably gave himself food poisoning. I get out of the bed and slowly walk to the bathroom. I lift my hand to knock, but something tells me not to. I slowly open the door and enter the room, it's slightly foggy, so he's obviously taking a shower. I turn to go back into the room, I'm sleepy as hell.

"...Bella. Fuck, yes."

I stop dead in my tracks and whip my head around to face him. And am met with the most glorious sight known to man. Through the glass shower door stands Edward. _Wet_ Edward. Water cascading over his beautiful body, rippling down his muscular arms. I can see his tattoo perfectly from this angle, glistening, lickable. I almost come on the spot. One hand is holding up his weight on the tiled shower wall. His head is down, drenched hair falling over his forehead, eyes shut tightly, droplets from his hair trickling down to his nose, back muscles tensed. _Holy shit_.

"Bella..."

His other hand is holding his rigid length, firm grip, pumping furiously. I've never seen such a perfect specimen. So hard, firm, _thick_. My mouth waters thinking about having that delectable thickness in my mouth. Licking that perfect, bulbous tip. I lick my lips, wishing it was Edward my tongue was tasting.

_Dear God, please keep me conscious. I don't want to miss this. Amen._

I can see every vein in his neck, every muscle coiled and ready for release, accentuated under the steady stream of the shower. Beautiful.

I know I should leave. I should definitely leave and give him his privacy. I really shouldn't be watching. Definitely shouldn't be watching. But I can't move. This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

The hand on the wall balls up into a fist and he lightly and repeatedly pounds it against the tile.

"Fuck. Yes." He moans.

He grunts with each pump and I nearly come undone. I've never heard a more arousing sound.

Suddenly his eyes open and he turns his head to face me. _Shit_! I gasp and take a few steps back, getting ready to apologize and run out of the door, when he turns his whole body toward me, still holding his erection. He starts pumping himself again, looking into my eyes, and places his free hand against the glass door for support.

_Holy fucking shit_!

"Touch yourself, Isabella."

Without thinking, my hand immediately reaches for my breast and I knead it gently. Needing more, I swiftly lift my shirt above my head and reach behind my back to remove my bra, never taking my eyes off of his. As the bra falls to the floor, I hear a low growl come from Edward's mouth. I bring both of my hands to my breasts, playing with my nipples, rolling and pulling and tugging and moaning. It feels so good, I'm tempted to close my eyes, but I can't seem to take them off of the highly erotic scene taking place in front of me.

"Fuck. Do you see what you fucking do to me? I want you so fucking bad, Bella. _So fucking bad_."

He works himself faster. I can see his grip tighten around his engorged shaft. His grunts are getting louder and I lower one hand into my shorts to find my clit, rubbing myself in quick, hasty circles.

"Oh God, Edward. I want you so bad..." I moan, applying more pressure, roughly pulling my nipple. "I'm so close..."

I'm fighting to keep my eyes open, to take in as much of this man as possible. But it's getting progressively harder—the sight of him, his sounds, the raw, carnal desire swirling around the room, enveloping us in our combined lust... I can feel my clit throbbing, desperate to reach its peak. The sensual intimacy of it all is almost overwhelming...

He squeezes his eyes shut and throws his head back, "SHIT!" His yell echoes around the bathroom walls as his body tenses and he releases long, milky streams onto the shower door while continuing to lazily pump himself.

"Oh!" My orgasm takes me by surprise and I can no longer keep my eyes open as every nerve in my body ignites, pleasure jolting through my system. My knees buckle and I fall to the floor, body quaking with the force of my climax.

In seconds, Edward is kneeling by my side.

"Shit, are you okay, Beautiful? I shouldn't have asked you to do that."

I open my eyes to see that he's still naked. And wet. Dear Lord, help me. His delicious cock is dripping water onto the rug and I want to lap up every. single. drop.

"Edward, don't apologize, that was... _incredible_. But you should cover up. Fast. Because my willpower is next to nil right now and I'm literally five seconds from shoving your dick down my throat."

"Holy fuck." His eyes close and he drops his head, probably analyzing all of his options and repercussions of said options. Finally he stands up and covers himself in a towel, making his decision clear. I breathe a sigh of relief. _One_ of us has to be strong. And tonight, I'm not the one.

"Come on, Beautiful," he says, grabbing my hand. Let's go to bed.

**A/N:**

**If you need me, I'll be out back smoking a cigarette.**

**coachlady1= The Shit**

**Until next time! Smooches! ^_^**


	13. Games

A/N:

Did you all see the new 90 second Eclipse trailer? SQUEEEEEEE! I'm so excited! *does the jig*

I don't own Twilight. If I did, Rachel LeFevre would still have a job. BOOOOO to the new Victoria!

--------------

"So, Teddy Ruxpin," I ask Edward, "are you up for another game of 'Aimless Questions'?"

Aimless Questions is a game we came up with a few weeks ago. It's similar to 20 Questions, but we just keep going until we're either interrupted or we fall asleep. Yeah, we can go on for hours asking random, stupid stuff.

He laughs at me. "Jesus, how many nicknames are you gonna come up with?"

"However many I can think of, DWard."

"But Teddy Ruxpin, though?"

"Yeah, well, Ted is a nickname for Edward. So naturally I think of Teddy, which leads to Teddy Ruxpin. Cute, right?"

"Suuuure."

"So, do you wanna play or not? It's gonna be a while before the others get here. And it's not like we can pass the time with_ other_ activities." I say the last sentence barely above a whisper.

"Hey." He lifts my chin with his finger. "I'm sorry. So sorry, Beautiful. I hate seeing you like this, I hate that I'm the one hurting you. I promise, tomorrow will be the end of it. I don't care if it has to be done by phone or fucking _email_. I'm ending it."

Fucking _finally_! I can't believe I'll have my lips on Edward's... _everything, _tomorrow! I fight the strong urge to scream and jump his bones on the spot. But I can't help but feel a little bad. What if she blows her brains out after he leaves her? _Oh, look at him lick those lips. That _tongue_. Oh my. _Wait, what was I thinking again? Something about lobster?

"Alright, come here, Beautiful."

He grabs my hand and we sit on the floor facing each other with our legs crossed, knees touching.

"Okay," I say, "I'll go first... What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book?"

"Hmmm... I'd have to say _Hooper Humperdink...? Not Him!_ I used to feel that way as a kid. Excluded and lonely."

"Really? Why?"

"Well, I was short and gangly. Bad acne and geeky. I was a member of the Chess Club, Yearbook Club, Mathletes... you get the picture. So yeah, needless to say I was never invited to the cool kid parties. I was about the _only_ one not invited." His face scrunches up as he remembers his youth. "Anyway, what about you? What's your favorite?"

_Mmmm, a smart geeky Edward? Yes, please._

"There are so many that I love, but I think my absolute favorite wavers between _The Lorax_ and _I Am NOT Going To Get Up Toda__y!_ Sometimes—well, _most_ times, really, I haaaate getting up in the mornings and wish I could just sleep all day. I love _The Lorax_ because it was my first glimpse into seeing the greed in the world. It kinda opened my eyes at a young age. It was really sad and touching."

"You know they're making a movie based off of _The Lorax_?" he asks me.

"No effin' way! That's awesome! I just hope they don't screw it up like they did _Cat in the Hat._"

"You didn't like _Cat in the Hat_?" he asks, dumbfounded.

"Hell no!" I scoff. "It's supposed to be a freakin' _kids' _movie and it's chock-full of sexual innuendo. What the hell is _that_ all about? It kinda pissed me off, honestly."

"Okay, my turn, before you bust a gasket... What's your favorite game show?"

"Easy, _Family Feud_. One day, when our kids are old enough, I'm dragging all of you to California so we can play. I'll totally kick ass in the Fast Money Round. What's your—what?" I notice that Edward has a strange look on his face. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh—ah... no reason." He clears his throat. Mmmkaaay. I decide to ask another question. Obviously something I said unnerved him.

"Who's your favorite superhero?" I ask him.

"Batman. I like him because he's just this regular guy with cool gadgets. He kind of gives hope to regular Joe Shmoes, makes 'em feel like they can be somebody, too. Well, at least_ I _felt that way growing up. Who's your favorite?"

"Wolverine, all the way. He'd beat any other hero to a bloody, colostomy bag using pulp. Honestly, he should have his own shrine in D.C. just for his sheer badassery."

"So you're a Marvel Comics gal?"

"Hell yeah! DC Comics are lame. Plastic Man? Pffft. He's about as tough as a baby's skull. Aqua Man? Uncool. Elongated Man? Ultimate lame. Power Girl... I mean, really, _who_ came up with these losers? A three year old could come up with cooler names."

"So you don't like Superman?"

"Nope. He's too damn perfect; he can do _everything_. No one can relate to that. Lame. Booo!"

"Wha?!... Well, since I don't want to cut you, I'm gonna have to change the subject... If you could wake up tomorrow with a super power, which one would you want?"

"I'd wanna be invisible, so I could rob the hell out of banks and spy on celebrities."

"I would love to be able to read minds... and run inhumanly fast and have perfect vision--"

"Okay! Damn, you're gonna hog all the powers!"

"Aw, don't worry, Baby. I'd protect you from all of the bad guys." He leans over and kisses the corner of my mouth. I close my eyes and sigh.

"Way to feed your fat ego," I say as he slowly backs away, "but I'd be the most awesome hero ever and definitely wouldn't need your measly help. I'd be president of the business of Ass Kickery. You'd be my janitor or some shit. Gotta make everyone feel important, no matter how sucky they are, ya know?"

"You talk a lot of shit, Beautiful."

"And I can back it up, too. My Kung Fu is strong."

"I might have to shut you up one day."

"I'd like to see you try, Wardie. Have you ever been stung by a bee?"

"Yeah. That shit hurt. Bad. You?"

"No, and I'm terrified of getting stung one day. If a bee is in my vicinity, I'll act a plumb fool and most likely embarrass the hell out of you. Screaming, arms thrashing wildly, running in circles, the Full Monty."

He laughs at the visual I've just given him and I push his chest. "Don't laugh at me! It's a perfectly legit fear!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. What's your biggest pet peeve?"

"Ugh! People smacking on their food. I _hate _that shit! No one wants to hear _or _see what's in your stupid mouth! You know a study has been done and it proved that people who smack are inconsiderate and selfish. I'm not surprised. The fuckers."

"Wow. Passionate, are we?"

"Shut it, Cullen." I turn around, stretch out my legs and lay my head in his lap. "What's your pet peeve?"

"Mmmm, I love your hair," he tells me while running his fingers through it.

I reach my hand up to the nape of his neck and grab a fistful of hair. "And I love yours. I love a lot of things about you." _Fuck_! That wasn't supposed to come out. Change the subject, Swan! "So... you never answered my question! What's your pet peeve?"

"Infomercials."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they're annoying as all hell. They make every day shit look impossible, like it can't be done without this miracle gizmo. For instance, the toothpaste dispenser thing that you put on your bathroom wall. That infomercial has people squeezing toothpaste all over the damn bathroom! Since when does _anyone_ have that much trouble squeezing a soft ass tube of toothpaste? God forbid no one have a Touch N Brush! Don't want toothpaste flying on the walls, now do we? Dumb."

"Yeah, I've noticed that, too. Infomercials _are_ pretty fucking stupid when you think about it. But I've been suckered in a few times."

"Oh yeah? For what?"

"Um... Snuggie, PedEgg, WEN, Ab Circle Pro and a few more I can't remember. Don't tell me you've never bought anything from an infomercial!"

"Never."

"You're an alien."

"Alien _this_!" He squeezes my nose and twists it back and forth.

"What does that have to do with you being an alien?!" I ask all nasally-sounding, trying to wiggle my nose out of his grip, flailing my arms all around.

"Nothing! I'm an alien. I don't have to make sense!"

He starts tickling my ribs and I squirm and snort. He's laughing at my snorting... we're just two laughing fools.

We're interrupted by loud knocking. He frowns and stops tickling me.

"Welp," I say standing up, using his head—with more force than needed—for balance, "looks like we'll have to continue another time." He gets up and smacks my ass before walking to the door to answer it while I walk to the kitchen for beers.

"Hey, Belly, where are you?... Oh, found ya!" Emmett comes stomping behind me into the kitchen. A few months into their relationship, Rose and Emmett decided to stop being conjoined at the genitals and leave the house like normal human beings. Em is funny as hell. His mouth takes some getting used to, but it's all good.

"You two weren't in here fuckin', were you? Or were you back here givin' my boy a Rusty Trombone? You _were_! Oooh, you dirty little thing, you!"

I roll my eyes and close the fridge. "Is _everything_ about sex with you, Femmett, or can your mind actually form a sentence appropriate for normal adult conversation?"

"Nope, all perv, all the time, baby! Woot-woooot!" he yells while humping and smacking the ass of some poor imaginary air-person in front of him.

I laugh and walk out of the kitchen to my friends, shaking my head. A few times a month all of us couples get together and play stupid drinking games. Not that Edward and I are an official couple yet. I inwardly sigh as my stomach clenches, thinking about _her_. I place the six-packs on my coffee table and take deep breaths to squash that shit down. I've cried enough in the past few months to last a lifetime. I won't do it again. Not tonight.

I roll my eyes at myself, pick up a bottle of beer and down it in four gulps.

"Damn, girl! You got a talented throat, there. You wanna come back to the bathroom with me and—"

"Em, shut the fuck up! Damn!" Rose cuts him off mid-sentence.

"What? I was just gonna ask her to show me her new His & Hers sinks... right after I had her screaming my name." He starts playing with his nipples. "Ohhh, Emmett!" he yells in a high-pitched voice.

We all simultaneously roll our eyes.

"So what'll we play tonight?" I ask everyone.

"Categories!"

"Never Have I Ever!"

"Circle of Death!"

"Oh! Rhyme Time!"

"Well, since all of your suggestions suck taint and sweaty balls, we're playing Smile," Emmett says while crossing his arms and grinning, obviously proud of himself.

"What's that?" I ask, confused.

"We all sit at a table with our pants off. When it's someone's turn, they go under the table and do anything to anyone. No one above the table can smile. First person who smiles, loses and has to drink."

"Oh, hell no!" I yell. "That shit won't fly in this house. I like Categories. That sounds fun." Alice and Rose agree.

"Fine," Emmett huffs. "But let's play 60 Seconds first! Everyone pick a number. When the hand on the clock passes your number, you drink half of your beer."

We all sit in a circle, pick numbers and watch the clock. After a good twenty minutes, we're all pretty damn tipsy. Borderline drunk. Okay, maybe we're drunk.

"Alright, sluts, enough of this boring bullshit!" Rose slurs. "Let's play Caaaategoriiiieeees! I'll go first and then we'll go clockwise-like around here this way to Jasper then Alice then Edward then Bella then Emmett and meeee!!!... Here we gooo! The Category is muppets!"

"Fonziiiie!" Jasper slurs.

"Fonzie wasn't a goddamn muppet, you _Tool Academy_ reject! He was the cool dude on _Happy Days_!" Emmett yells.

"Fuck!" Jas picks up his beer and downs it.

"Miss Piggy! Yay!"

"Kermit." *burp*"

"Abby Cadabby!"

"The fuck is Abby Cadabby? Drink, Belly. That shit didn't make no damn sense."

I shrug, pick up my beer and take a swig. _I _thought it was a damn good answer.

"Scientist Dude."

"That's not his name," Edward tells Emmett. "Drink up."

Emmett downs his beer.

"Beaker! He's the scientist! Woo hoo! Ooookay, Edwarrrrd you pick a category now 'cause it's your tuuuurn."

"Tissuuue paperrr... brands. Yeah."

"Charmin!"

"Angel Soft."

"Pooper Scooper!" Emmett knows he lost and gulps his drink down before anyone can tell him to.

"Aw, hell." Jasper picks up his beer and drinks it.

"Um..."

"NOPE! You PAUSED! No pausing! Drink, Polly Pocket!" Emmett shouts at Alice. She rolls her eyes and drinks her beer.

"Wal-Mart store brand."

"That's not a name!" Emmett whines.

"Yes it is."

"Fine, Eduardo. I'll let you get away it this time, but I'm watching you! Now it's my turn! Yay!"

"Um, noooo," I tell Em. "As you can flearly see here, I'm next to Ed, Edd & Eddie, so I goooo next. Dur! Score one for the little guy!" He pouts and crosses his arms. "Okay, catergormy is movies that make you cryyyy."

"_Monsters, Inc._"

We all stare at Emmett and hold back laughs.

"_Titanic_! Never let go, Jaaaack!"

"Aw, hell." Jasper picks up his beer and chugs.

"_Steel Magnolias_."

"Um..."

"You PAUSED, fucker! No pausing! Drink! You lose! Ha! Ha!"

Edward lazily flips Em the bird and drinks his beer.

"This isn't enough drinking for me, damnit! Let's do Truth or Dare With A Twist. If you pick Truth, you take three gulps. If you pick Dare, you take two gulps. You have two passes, if you use a pass, you take five gulps. I go first! Rosie, truth or dare?"

"Dare." She takes two big gulps.

"I dare you to kiss Bella on the lips. Oh, my God, this is gonna be so hot!" he giggles and claps his hands together excitedly.

"WHAAAAT?! No!" I yell. "No way, Jose!"

"Bells! Come oooon, it's no big deal. Jeeeez!" Rose garbles right before leaning over and placing a lingering kiss on my lips.

My eyes widen in shock and Emmett is fist pumping the air.

"Okay, my turn!" Rose exclaims. "Alice. Truth or dare?"

"Truth." She downs some beer.

"Have you ever faked an orgasm with Jasper?"

"Oh damnit, Rosalie!... Fine! Yessss!"

Jasper's face pales and Emmett is pointing in his face, laughing obnoxiously loud in his ear.

"Bella, truth or dare?" Alice asks me.

"Um. Dare?" I tip my bottle back.

"I dare you to flash Edward your boobage!"

I stumble over and sit in Edward's lap so my boobs are right in his face and slowly pull my shirt up.

"Holy shit. Holy shit." I feel his arousal between my legs and bite back a moan. Before getting off of his lap, I press my naked chest against his and lick his ear. _Saucy!_

"Okay, Rosie Posie. Truth or dare for the fare in your hair... with a pair?" My rhyming skills are _awesome _when I drink. I should write this shit down!

"Dare, of course. Pfffft!" She takes a few swigs.

"Does Emmett have the biggest... thing-a-ling..." *Giggle* "out of all the guys you've been with?"

"Whoops! Pass!" She downs her whole beer. Edward and Jasper snicker. I snort loudly and cover my mouth to smother the giggles.

"Fuck you! Fuck all of you... fuckheads!" Emmett's eyes are bulging as he points at each one of us accusingly.

"Whoah, Em! Ssso eloquent! You sssshould talk better, like, ya know? Read the dicttttionary to expand your thinking powerrr. Free your mind and your ass will follow." Whoah, I'm _so _deep. I should write a book: _The Deepness of Bella Swan--Wear Your Floaties Or You'll Drown..._

"Aw, Emmett, it's okay," Jasper assures Em while obviously trying not to laugh. "Steroids will do that to your Love Log. Nothin' to be ashamed of, bromosexual."

"Fuck you, fuckface DUMBsper! Fuck you to hell with an icicle up your ass!"

"Em, calm doooown. We'll _talk," _*exaggerated wink* "about it later, mmmkay?" Rose says, calmly.

He pouts pathetically. "With the fishnets and pudding pops?"

"Yes, baby. Now, moving ooon. Edwarrrd, truth or dare?"

"What the hell? I'll go wiiiith dare." He takes a few hefty drinks.

"I dare _you _to—"

Rose is cut off by loud banging on the door. Who the hell could _that_ be? Alice gets up to answer the door. A few seconds later, I hear a lot of yelling, a female is arguing with Alice. The hell? All of a sudden, some weird looking woman stomps into the room.

She's really short, fried bleached hair pulled back in a severe bun. Her ensemble would make a hooker blush: a yellow latex tube top paired with a skin-tight electric blue micro mini skirt. A bright green Chiquita Banana-looking hat perched on top of her head finishes the look. Okay, this bitch is crazy. She has on four inch strappy heels and her feet make my stomach hurt. Her toes are long and pale and wrinkly with a few corns and bunions dusted around for good measure. Her toenails are thick, yellow and crusty. Gross! Them shits look _sick_, like they have Swine Flu or some shit.

Edward loudly gasps. "JAAAANE?!"

..................Jane? Oh. Hell. No.

----------------

A/N:

Ruh-roh! The girlfriend! Bet you guys thought the girlfriend was Tanya, huh? Hehehe!

coachlady1= Hawt MILF with a big ol' brain.

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	14. Snickers

A/N:

I don't own Twilight. If I did, "Bree" would have never gotten a talking part in the Eclipse behind the scenes footage. Pfffft! Like she's somebody important! *rolls eyes and grumbles about not seeing more of my precious Jackson in the footage*

* * *

She's just standing there with her arms crossed, tapping her crusty feet, most likely waiting on an explanation.

Jane, the bane of my existence. The hell is _that_ bitch doing here? In my damn house?! I inwardly argue with my stupid, drunk brain to catch the hell up. I'm like a full minute behind what's going on and I can't freakin' catch up! Stupid Emmett, making me drink dumb beer... like a queer... on a steer... riding a deer... _DAMN IT_! _Stop that!_ On a bat, with a rat...

"Yes, Edward. I'm here," Jane sneers. "Surprised, are we? Did you think I wouldn't find out about this?"

"Jane," I hear Edward say coolly. And I'm proud of him because right now, his drunken slur is almost non-existent. My baby has control... like a mole... in his little hole... "We need to talk, Jane."

"Yes, Edward, we _do_ need to talk. We need to talk about what the hell you're doing here with _HER!_" she shrieks.

I cringe at her high-pitched, nails-on-a-chalkboard voice. How can anyone sound so... _inhuman_? I look around and see everyone else has a similar expression.

Then it dawns on me. "See!!!" I yell at Edward. "I _told_ you she knew about me! She's _been _knowing!" I nod sagely and cross my arms.

Everyone stops and looks at me. Well, everyone except Jasper. He's passed the hell out. He may have alcohol poisoning. Alice is gonna be pissed. Will she kill him... on a whim... with a... bim... Whoa, good save! I mentally give myself a high five for being so awesome and smart.

"Bella, damn, you can't hold your liquor for shit!" Emmett exclaims. "Loony Tunes here said that mess like five minutes ago—Holy shit! Hold up, hold the fuck up! What the...?"

Emmett swiftly crawls over to Jane and lowers his face until he's about a six inches from her feet.

"What the fuck is _this_ shit? Veloci_RAPTOR_ claws?!?! _Holy _bajeesus!"

"_WHAT?!?!_" Jane's voice could wake the damn dead. My thoughts are confirmed by Jasper's stirring and mumbling something about sparkly vampires or some weird shit like that.

"Well, shit, if you didn't want anyone seeing those gangrene infested toenails, you shouldn't be flauntin' those fuckers!"

Jane looks furious, her face as red as an STD infected snatch. "_FUCK YOU!!!_"

"Em, just... let me deal with this, okay?" Edward calmly asks Emmett.

Emmett rolls his eyes and plops down on the couch next to Corpse Jasper, giving the poor guy Wet Willies. What the hell is the point of giving an unconscious person a Wet Willy? Judging by Emmett's snickering, this is the funnest shit ever. Which is pretty damn retarded. But then again, Emmett _is_ pretty damn retarded.

Edward stands and slowly walks toward Jane like she's a ticking time bomb. Which makes sense since she's a goddamn nut job.

"Jane, maybe we should take this outside and talk privately—"

"NO!" She cuts him off. "Why don't we talk here, in front of your new ugly friends and your bitch of a home-wrecking _whore_? Does your _bitch_ know that we're supposed to be getting married?"

"Jane, calm down before you make a scene. This doesn't have to get out of hand. Now you know that I never—"

Wait a minute... "_MARRIED?! _Are you fucking _kidding _me, Edward? You're fucking _engaged_?!" All of a sudden, I don't feel so drunk anymore. In fact, I feel pretty _fucking _alert.

Edward takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes. "No, Bella, I'm _not_ engaged. I never proposed to Jane. _Never_, okay?"

"Eddie-kins," Jane coos as she grabs his face in her talons, "let's get out of here. I forgive you. Let's forget about all of this, it's in the past now. I love you and you're desperately in love with me. I know this, okay? I mean, _look_ at me."

Rose lets out a loud guffaw and Emmett whispers something that makes Alice and Rose cackle.

Edward pulls Jane's knobby fingers off of his face. "No, Jane, I'm not going anywhere with you. Ever... it's over."

"What? No, you're just confused. We love each other, silly goose!" She swats his chest playfully.

When she moves her arm, that minuscule piece of rubber/pleather across her chest falls and one of her boobs flops out. Like, it literally flops out because it's so saggy. It looks like a white tube sock stuffed with rocks.

Emmett hunches over the couch and dry heaves. "For the love of all that is holy! My corneas!"

If perverted ass Emmett is passing up the opportunity to slobber over some boobs, you _know_ something's wrong. And looking at Jane's breast flappin' in the breeze, something is _definitely_ wrong. She doesn't even have any kids, so it's not like she can blame that shit on breastfeeding. Wow. So unfortunate.

Edward turns his head away and closes his eyes in a combination of embarrassment and disgust. "Jane, your... top... please fix it. Now."

I hear a quiet click and look over to see Emmett taking a picture of Jane's pasty potato sack. Rose and Alice's snickering is now growing out of control and it's getting harder for me to hold in my giggles. A chuckle bubbles out of my mouth and I quickly cover it up with a loud cough. _Smooth._

Jane finally has the sense to cover up her lumpy excuse for a boob and huffs, "I see your friends find me amusing. I can't _believe _you're tolerating the way they're treating me! This is un-fucking-believable! You cheat on me for almost a _year_ and on top of that, let your Jezebel and her clan of idiots insult me!"

"Jane, let's step outside. This has already gone on far enough."

"No! I need you, Edward! I can't live without you!"

Jane runs into my guest bathroom. How the hell she knows where my bathroom is, I don't know. Edward chases after her.

"Jane!"

She closes the door and locks it right as he reaches her.

"Jane, open up!"

I hear lots of clanging and banging of shit in my bathroom and I'm mentally thinking of all the ways I'm gonna kick her ass when she comes out. The bitch is _trashing_ my bathroom!

"Edward! Edward, do you hear me? I love you! I'm not leaving without you!" Jane's muffled voice screams from behind the door.

"Jane, damn it, come out before I break down this door!"

_Like hell you will, buddy!_ There will be no destruction of any more of my damn property! I quietly scowl at the back of Edward's head for even _thinking _about fucking up my shit.

Jane abruptly opens the door, holding something shiny in her hand. "I'll fucking kill myself! I have a razor, Edward, and I'll use it! We were meant to be together! Why can't you see that? I'll slit my fucking wrist if you don't leave with me in the next goddamn minute!"

She lowers the razor to her wrist and I see she's holding a motherfucking _electric_ razor. Edward keeps a razor here, even though I told him not to because his scruff and I are having a love affair.

Jane is holding the razor close to her wrist, glaring at Edward, daring him to defy her. He looks flabbergasted, like he can't believe how dumb she is. I honestly don't have the heart to tell this special needs child that you can't slit your wrist with a freakin' electric razor.

Emmett huffs behind me and throws his hands up in annoyance. "Uh, Jane, is it?"

"_Yes_, that's my name," she spits. "What the hell do you want? You... you... you giant Coke machine with legs!" The blade is now pressing into her skin and her eyes snap back to Edward.

Emmett snickers and shakes his head. "Jane... you're doing it wrong."

She looks completely confused as her eyes roam around the room from person to person. "What? Doing _what_ wrong?"

"This whole suicide thing." Em punctuates the word "suicide" with air quotes.

"Huh?"_ Wow, and she's articulate, too!_ I inwardly roll my eyes at this woman's arsenal of stupidity.

"See, that's an _electric_ razor. You can't kill a fucking _balloon _with an electric razor, Jane. What you need is a razor like _this!_" He reaches into his mouth and pulls out a razor blade. My eyes widen in surprise. What the fuck? Who does that?

I look to Rose and she rolls her eyes, giving me a "Don't fucking ask" look.

"See, Jane," Emmett continues, "I keep one of these in my mouth at all times, 'cause you never know when you're gonna have to cut a bitch. Am I right, or am I right?"

Jane looks frantically around the room at everyone, probably looking for an escape. "Uh..."

"Yeah, I know, right? _Totally_ badass. But anyway, as I was saying, you need a razor _blade._ For future reference just remember that if the blade has a plug or uses batteries, you can't slit your fuckin' wrist with it, _capisce_?"

".....Um....."

"So anyway, what you do is, you grab the blade like _this_ and cut in _this_ direc—"

"Emmett! _Enough!_" Edward stalks toward Emmett and snatches the blade out of his hand. "What the hell is wrong with you? _Teaching_ someone how to kill themselves?"

Emmett rolls his eyes. "Jeez, sorry, _Dad_!"

Just then, someone knocks on my door. Could this night be any _more_ fucktastic?

"I'll get it," I mumble as I walk to the door, shaking my head in disbelief. Is this _really_ my life? As I walk to the door, Jane starts her screeching again. I open the door and see my neighbor, Alec.

"Oh, hey, Alec."

"Hey, Bell—Whoa! What's going on in _there_? Everything okay?" he asks, sounding concerned.

"Yeah, just some crazy-stalker-psycho bitch threatening to off herself with an electric razor. You know, the usual." I roll my eyes. "What can I do for you?"

"Oh yeah! I wanted t know if I could borrow some sugar!" He holds out a measuring cup and smiles.

"Uh, yeah... come on in. Please excuse the basket case in the living room."

I back away and wave him in the door. When he comes in, I start walking to the kitchen.

"Aw, you don't have to apologize. I understand," he tells me, laughing, as he follows me further into the house.

The yelling is louder now. Sounds like everyone in the damn place—excluding unconscious Jasper— is screaming, trying to be heard over everyone else.

I turn back around to Alec. "So sorry about this madness," I chuckle nervously. "So how much sugar did you need—Alec?"

He's frozen in the living room, staring at the clusterfuck of crazy with a look of pure disbelief on his face.

"Janie?" he asks, sounding like he's seen a ghost.

-------------

Dun, dun, DUUUN! Who is Alec, and how does he know Crazy Janie? Hahaha!

I have a new Jasper-licious one shot called Dirty Movie. Check it out! :-)

coachlady1= fuckawesome beta and writer. Her lemons make me wanna hump stuff. And by stuff, I mean Edward's peen.

Sorry for the delay getting this chapter to you guys, I was having a little difficulty getting it right.

This picture is what made me come up with the electric razor shit. So effin' funny! Close the gaps and prepare to laugh!

http:// cdn1 . knowyourmeme . com / i / 126 / original / you_re-doing-it-wrong . jpg # 214,160

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	15. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

A/N:

_**READ BOTH A/N's! THEY'RE IMPORTANT!...**_

HOLY SHITBALLS!!! Over 100 reviews! Yippeeee!!! *stands on podium and taps mic*

Testing, testing... *clears throat* Wow, I didn't even have a speech prepared! *pulls out a long ass piece of paper* I would like to thank all of you for your wonderful reviews. I read and cherish each and every one, you guys never fail to bring a smile to my face when I'm having a shit-tastic day. Of course, my story wouldn't even be readable if it weren't for coachlady1. She is the _epitome _of kickass. And the fact that she reveres humongoid vamp peens as much as I do, well, _that _my dears, puts her in a special place in my heart. Reaching 100 reviews is just... mind-blowing! I am completely humbled by this experience *head inflating to epic proportions*

In closing, I would like to say... I love sparkle peen. Thank you so much, everyone! *waves and walks off stage*

---------------

As the epic stupid that is Jane's brain absorbs and processes who Alec is, her eyes damn near pop out of her skull. If I weren't so dumbfounded at this whole situation, I would have laughed at the cartoonish expression.

"A-A-Alec?! What are you doing here?" Jane demands, eyes wild.

Alec is silent for a few seconds, just staring at the Crazy Cat Lady. His face is now as pale as Kristen Stewart's legs.

"Janie... is it really you?" He walks toward her slowly, as if she were an apparition and might disappear any second.

"Why are you here, Alec?" she snaps at him.

"I—we thought you were dead. We looked _everywhere_ for you—Janie! Oh my God, Janie!" Tears are running down his cheeks as he envelopes Fun Bags McGee in his arms and spins her around. Her arms are dangling loosely at her side and she has a look of contempt on her leathery face.

"Alec, put me down," is her heartless reply to Alec's emotional display.

Alec places her gently on the floor and reverently rubs her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"I know you guys are probably wondering what the hell is going on, right?" Alec turns to us and asks. _Duh!_ "Janie here is my sister. My long-lost twin sister!" He laughs and is filled with jubilation. "My parents looked for her for years. She just up and disappeared—"

"That's _enough_! Get out of here! I have no family!"

The poor guy looks like someone just junk punched him.

"But... Mom and Dad—"

"I don't care! I don't fucking care! Edward is my life. _Edward_ is my family! Do you hear me?!"

"What? Why are you doing—"

"Shut up! Just _shut up!_" Jane grips her hair by the roots. She grips it so tightly that I cringe, anticipating her pulling it out in globs. She's murmuring something under her breath and shaking her head back and forth.

"Jane?" Edward asks softly while putting a hand on her shoulder. I shoot him my patented laser death glare and he quickly removes his hand.

"Oh, Edward! Make it stop!" Jane cries and buries her face into Edward's shirt. _Oh. Hell. No._

Before I have a chance to rip Jane to shreds and burn the pieces, Alec steps in and pulls her off of my man.

"Jane, what on Earth is wrong with you? You disappear for _years_ without a trace and now you're acting... really fucking weird! Mom and Dad are next door and would be—"

Wait a minute. Hold the fucking phone.

"_Excuse me_?!" I butt in. "Next door? Your parents—_her_ parents, are _next door_?!?!"

Edward finally decides to come out of his stupor. "Wait, what? Your parents? _Jane's_ parents?"

Jane looks panicked as her eyes search the room frantically. Who knows what her retarded ass is looking for, but I _do _know that she's about to catch a beat down from my five-fingered army.

"Uh... NO! I don't know what he's talking about! I don't have any parents. Nope, no parents. None at all."

She lowers herself to the floor and curls herself into a ball, whispering something unintelligible.

Alec looks confused and freaked the hell out. Turning to Edward, he asks, "Uh, dude, does she usually act this way?"

Edward looks stumped and shrugs his shoulders, at a loss for words. "Nuh-uh."

_Oh, for Christ's sake! Can _no one_ act like they have common sense?_

I roll my eyes and take the reins. "Okay, since you're all retarded and everything... Alec, how about you go and get your parents? I'm sure they'll be ecstatic to see their daughter... even though she's lost what little brain she has left. Em, Rose and Ali, um... ya'll need to throw Jasper in the car and get ready to bounce. As soon as this psycho bitch is out of my door, I'm jumping Edward's bones. I'm pretty sure you don't wanna see. It's gonna get ugly."

I turn to Edward. "_You_... well, you just sit on the couch and keep your mouth open. It'll come in handy _later_." I wink at him and turn to everyone else. "Uh, okay, chop-chop, get to movin', people!"

Everyone jumps into action. Alec races out of the door, Emmett stands and easily throws Jas over his shoulder like a ragdoll. Rosie and Alice give me big hugs, congratulations, huge grins and all that jazz. I think they might have given me some kind of pep talk too, but I can't stop looking at Edward, who is licking his lips and looking at me with smoldering eyes. _Yeah, your ass is mine, Teddy Ruxpin_.

Alec rushes back into my house without knocking. Any other day, that shit would have irked me to no end. I probably would have cussed him out, or maybe thrown some things at his head if I was PMS'ing. But today? Today, I don't give a flying fuck because I'm about to get me some Edward peen! I inwardly squee and do jumping jacks, thanking baby jeebus that I never stopped taking the pill.

Alec's parents follow closely behind him with urgent looks on their faces. When he points out Jane on the floor, they each dropped to their knees beside her.

"Oh my goodness! Jane! Oh, my baby Jane!" the mom wails while pulling Jane's head into her lap.

The dad is just sitting there, staring at his long-lost daughter, switching between looking elated, bereft and confused.

Both parents and Alec are crying tears of joy and laughing through their tears. All of this would be very touching if...

A) Jane wasn't sporting a scathing Bitter Beer Face while laying in her mom's arms like a wet noodle, and

B) I didn't want to fuck all of the sperm out of Edward's nutsack.

Unfortunately, those two predicaments have slightly dimmed the emotion of the moment. So yeah... they need to get the fuck out and deal with their shit on the sidewalk or something. I have a peen to ride into the sunset.

I decide to break up the reunion before my cooch collapses. "Oh, well, look at the time!" I yell while stretching exaggeratedly. "Wow, I have to wake up sooo early tomorrow! I hope I won't be super tired! You know, because I'm staying up so late... since so many people are here..."

The parents briefly look up at me, but then dismiss my subtle hint and go back to fawning over their brain dead daughter.

"So!" I turn to my friends. "You guys are leaving now? Since I have to get to sleep and everything, you know?"

They all make their way to the door, Emmett gives me a huge smirk and two thumbs up. Before walking out of the door, he looks to Edward and throws his head back while wildly humping the air in front of him. I look at Edward and find him nodding his head while sporting a shit-eating grin. When he notices me looking and realizes that he's been caught, he coughs loudly and turns to walk to the couch. I roll my eyes.

Jane's parents haven't moved an inch. Apparently the assholes can't take a hint. My hormones are raging and if these fools don't leave, they're gonna get a peep show they'll never forget.

"Alrighty, so... you guys need to go."

Still no one moves.

I walk up to Alec and lean into his ear.

"Seriously, Alec. I know this is a really big deal, but I've had a long night and I'm tired. You guys can finish your reunion at your house, okay?"

His head snaps in my direction and he glares daggers at me like he has some kind of power that could kill me with just one look or something.

Edward walks over to us and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "Is there a problem here, Alec?"

Alec sneers at Edward before snapping, "No. No problem at fucking all."

The dad stands and stalks over to his son's side. "What the hell is your problem, young lady? I haven't seen my goddamn daughter for _years_ and you're hell-bent on acting like a petulant child! Well, I will _not_ stand for this blatant disrespect! You. Will. Pay!"

So I see the whacko doesn't fall far from the tree...

"And _you_!" Alec turns to Edward. "What the hell did you do to my sister? You've _ruined _her! She's not the sister I once knew, you've obviously been abusing her and holding her hostage all of his time! You've brain washed her! You fucking prick!"

Alec lunges for Edward, but before he can even get close, I roundhouse kick him in the chest. I even threw in a loud "HI-YAH!" for good measure.

Everyone is staring at me and Alec is writhing in pain on the floor, gasping for air. _Damn, I wish Em was here. He'd be proud! _I didn't even think about what I did, it was just my body's automatic reaction. I really _am_ badass!

The dad looks furious and points a finger in my face. "You little _bitch_! How dare—"

"Apparently you've forgotten that you're in _my_ home." I cut him off mid-sentence. "Should I remind you of your whereabouts by calling the authorities to alert them to your trespassing?"

I give him the laser death glare and cross my arms, begging him to cross me any more than he already has.

"The Wife," the dad says while keeping his eyes on mine, "let's go home. We've spent enough time in this _dump_."

I scoff and roll my eyes. First off, what kind of DoDo bird calls his wife _The Wife_?!?! Second, I'll choose to ignore the immature jab at my place. He knows damn well my house is nice. _Cocksucker_.

Alec moves to pick up Jane off of the floor and makes a point to glare at me before heading for the door. I can hear his wheezing from all the way outside. The parents quickly follow behind and don't close the door when they leave. _Dickheads._

I walk to the door and close it, making sure it's locked. Before I can turn around, my body is being pressed into the door, my cheek flattened against the wood.

Edward pushes his arousal into my back. I close my eyes and moan at the sensation. I feel his tongue, so warm and wet, slowly working its way from my shoulder to my neck before reaching my ear. His breath fans across my face and I'm about to lose it.

"I've waited for this for so long," he murmurs huskily into my ear before nipping at my lobe. His hands firmly grip my hips as he bends his knees and grinds himself into my ass.

"Ung," is my intelligent response. I'm sure he doesn't expect anything enlightening to come out of my mouth at this time.

"Mmm... My Isabella. You're so fucking sexy. Turn around, baby."

I turn around and he attacks my neck, licking and nipping while pushing his erection between my legs.

"Do you want me?"

"Yes," I answer breathily.

"Do you want _this_?" He pushes himself into me harder.

"You know I do." I throw my leg around his hips before reaching down and grabbing his erection, pushing it into my center. Although we're both fully clothed, I can still feel the tip of him pushing into the seam of my jeans.

"Edward..."

He starts pushing himself up into me and I grab his head, pulling him toward me, aching to lick his stubbled jaw. As soon as my tongue makes contact, his cell rings.

"Ignore it," I tell him while reaching for the buttons of his pants.

He stops my hands and looks at me with worried eyes. "I can't. I have to get that. It's my emergency ringtone."

I stand there dumbfounded as he runs for his phone. _God hates me_. There's simply no other explanation. God wants to render my cooter useless by making my ovaries explode. And they _will_ explode. No question about it. Is this my destiny? To be the woman whose life turns into a TLC special? _The Girl Whose Ovaries Burst_...

"..... to go. I'll call you as soon as I can, I promise, baby."

He kisses my lips hurriedly as he breezes out the door.

What the fuck just happened? He's gone? _Seriously_?! I jog to my house phone and call Edward to hear his explanation, find out what the hell's going on. It rings and rings before going to voicemail. I call six more times with the same result. Bastard's _ignoring_ me!

Seriously?

I pick up my phone and dial one of the few numbers I know by heart.

"Hellooo! Whitlock residence!" Alice sings into the phone.

"Hey Ali."

"Bella?! Why are you calling me? Shouldn't Edward be pounding into you relentlessly right now?" she shrieks into my ear.

"Um, no. Al, call that guy and tell him our date's still on, okay? I'll talk to you tomorrow... or whenever. Love you. Bye."

I hang up before she can ask questions or protest. _Gotta stay pre-occupied_. I refuse to pine over this man anymore. _I can't do this shit anymore._ Walking to my bedroom, I don't bother to turn on the light or take off my clothes. Pushing my blanket back, I slowly lie down in my cold bed and sink my head into my pillow. I push all feelings to the back of my mind and numb myself before shutting my eyes and surrendering to the darkness.

-----------------

A/N:

I'll be doing a smutty, dirty, sexified collaboration with Kitty Cullen-03 from the Jasper's Darlin's blog! Be sure to put me on alert so you'll know when I publish it! I'm so excited!

My Jasperific one shots (Dodgeball! and Dirty Movie) are up for nomination in the Everything's Bigger In Texas Awards! Squee! Be sure to visit the blog and vote! www . jaspersdarlins . blogspot . com

Speaking of Jasper, I have a brand spankin' new Jasper/Alice fic called Just My Luck. Alice is a popstar and Jasper is kind of a geek :-) Check it out! Oh! My friend mw138 has a Jasper/Alice story called A Love Like This that's wonderful! Her Jas is so dreamy! Be sure to show her some love!

Do I really need to reiterate how hawt and awesome coachlady1 is?... Didn't think so!

Until next time! Smooches! ^_^


	16. Unhinged

A/N:

I don't own Twilight. If I did, instead of being here typing, I'd be writhing and screaming under Jasper. Or Edward. Preferably both. Hey, what can I say? I'm a vamp slut.

---------------

I told myself I wouldn't think about Edward. But of course, that didn't last long. One can only watch so many _Iron Chef_ marathons before reverting back to thinking about a certain tattooed demi-god.

The days following Edward's abrupt departure, I repeatedly called his phone, only to be directed straight to voicemail. I was a woman on a mission, determined to get hold of him. I found myself calling up to thirty times daily. His mailbox was now full of embarrassing pleas and desperate ramblings. Was I losing my mind? Possibly. But then again, crazy people think they're sane. So in turn, if I admit that I may be one sandwich short of a picnic, then that must mean I'm _not _batshit crazy... _right?_ In my quest to hear Edward's voice, I also stopped answering any calls from my friends, not willing to retell the story of my humiliation. I know they were worried, but I couldn't find it in me to care. They'd find out soon enough.

After five days, I decided to just turn off both of my damn phones, sick of everyone calling and worrying and clogging my answering machine. There was only one person I wanted to hear from and apparently he wasn't thinking enough about me to pick up the damn phone like he promised he would. Fucking asshole.

I knew I shouldn't let him get to me like this. It'd been days since I'd showered or even looked in the mirror and I just didn't give a fuck. When he left, I took a week off of work and stayed inside my house like the miserable recluse I was. My pathetic daily routine consisted of eating, sleeping, watching The Food Network, and wishing Edward would magically appear at my door. I would go to bed at seven p.m., never bothering to turn on any lights or change my clothes, and do it all over again the next day.

I knew it wasn't healthy to wallow in my self-pity. But... oh damn well.

Here it is, Saturday. It's been a week since he scurried out of my door. A full week of feeling sorry for myself, of dealing with this Edward-induced despondency. I hate myself for being so pathetic and weak. For letting him affect me like this when I promised myself I wouldn't allow it. I briefly consider calling Alice to cancel my date. But quickly dismiss it. I don't want to explain anything to her and I'm just way too emotional and depressed to be able to hold a normal conversation. Oh well, whoever he is, he'll get the picture when I don't show up. I'm sure he's an asshole, anyway. Just like the rest.

I decide to make an early dinner and hit the hay prematurely tonight. Nothing is better at passing the time than sleeping. So what'll it be tonight? Hmmm... Lean Cuisine or Hot Pocket?

The Lean Cuisine requires poking holes and cutting slits in the plastic before heating. Then I have to pause the heating after two minutes and remove the dessert, only to continue heating for another minute... yeah, way too much work. Hot Pocket it is.

While my dinner is heating in the microwave, I slink to the floor and rest my head on the cabinet behind me, closing my eyes and wishing that this was all some weird nightmare. I feel the cold tile under my ass, through the worn, ragged, hole-riddled sweat pants I put on days ago. I lift my arm and sniff my pit. Whoa. Stinky. Oh well. I wonder if _Family Feud_ is on the Gameshow Network, I wouldn't mind shouting at the TV while I stuff my face full of frozen delicacies.

Right as the microwave dings, there's a knock on my door. Weird. I'm not expecting anyone. My heart quickly stutters to life with the blinding hope that it's Edward who's behind the knocking. Who else could it be? It _has_ to be him! I lift myself up from the floor and sprint to the door, damn near taking it off its hinges as I swing it open with gusto.

My million-watt smile dims when realization dawns on me. It's not Edward. He's not here. He didn't come. I want to cry.

"Well damn, don't get _too_ fucking enthusiastic!"

I sigh. "What are you doing here?"

"What kind of greeting is that? You gonna invite me in, or are you gonna let me get frostbite on The Obliterator?"

"The Obliterator?"

"Yeah, you know... my womb raider, cunt wrecker, lap rocket, man cannon—"

I lift my hand up to stop him. "Okay, okay! Enough! I get it! Come in. Just shut the hell up with the Urban Dictionary shit."

He smiles and struts into my place like he owns it.

Deciding to pass on the niceties, I ask, "What are you doing here, Emmett?"

He plops down on my couch and picks up the remote, flipping through channels while I'm standing over him with my arms indignantly crossed.

"Rosie sent me. You know her and Alice are worried sick, right? Anyway, I'm here to make sure you get ready and show up for your date." He looks at me and grins annoyingly before turning his attention back to the idiot box.

"What?! I'm not going!"

"Yeah, you are, Bella-saurus. This isn't up for discussion. Now hop in the shower, use scalding water and scrub off the top five layers of skin. You smell like a doo-doo Popsicle."

"You can't make me!"

"Actually, I can. Your best friends gave me permission to use any means necessary. Do you really want me using my free reign? I'm trying to be nice and give you a break here. But if you push me, I have all kinds of delicious ideas in this here noggin o' mine to get you looking, and smelling, like a human being again."

I shudder thinking of the freakishly disturbed things that he could come up with. He could easily overpower me, since he's a damn tow truck with teeth. But I decide to call his bluff anyway.

I lift my brow in defiance. "Oh yeah? What kind of stuff do you have in mind? Surely you don't expect me to just cave under idle threats."

He mutes the TV, and faces me, looking more serious than I've ever seen him. "Well, the first idea is the most tame. I'd take it easy on you out of pity. First, it involves me picking out your outfit. I'm thinking maybe a micro-mini skirt and those stripper heels Rose bought you. Followed by you naked—after I rip your clothes off, of course—dish soap, a turkey baster, some SOS pads—"

"Okay, _fine_!" I huff and stomp off to the bathroom. Stupid Emmett, with his demented brain, trying to scrub off my skin with steel wool.

--------------

Emmett was relentless, making sure I shaved, plucked and perfumed myself into a stupor. Even though I was annoyed with him, I had to admit to myself that I loved being in his company. Really, who wouldn't love being around him? Of course I'd never tell him this. He'd undoubtedly spend at least a week bragging about how awesome he was. So I put a scowl on my face and bitched every time he made a suggestion or even opened his mouth.

By the time I was ready to go, I was a little sullen at the thought of leaving Em. He had made me feel so much better in just the little while he was here. Before walking out of the door, I gave him a hug, burying my face in his hard abdomen. I felt the heavy weight of his arms rest upon my shoulders as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me back.

"Thanks, Em."

He smiled his dimply smile before kissing my forehead. "No problem, Bells. Now hurry up and get outta here so I can jack off."

"Ugh! Gross! You perv!" I slap his arm and turn to leave, smiling on my way to my car. Only Emmett can get away with making me laugh by joking about whacking off.

---------------

When I arrive at the theater, I remember that I have no fucking clue what this guy looks like or what his name is. I walk into the lobby and look around. Maybe if I look clueless enough, he'll recognize the "blind date face" and approach me. After standing around for about a minute, I see a lanky, doughy looking man walking confidently in my direction. _Great._

"Hi. I take it you're Bella?" He has a weird, nasally voice with a slight New Jersey accent that immediately annoys me. He reminds me of Mr. Boston from the reality show _I Love New York_.

"Yes, I'm Bella. Nice to meet you..."

"Royce. Royce King. I'm sure you've heard of me," he loudly boasts, looking at the movie patrons passing by, as if hoping someone would recognize him.

The name doesn't ring any bells. "Should I have?"

"Personal trainer and actor. _Royce King_." Personal trainer? Dude looks like his sallow, clammy skin is stuffed with marshmallows.

"Um. Okay."

He looks me up and down before frowning in distaste. "You know, I usually only date supermodels and high profile actresses. Maybe a Plain Jane will be a nice change of pace."

What a fucking joke. "Wow, I'm deeply flattered. It's not every day God graces me with the presence of such an imperious mega-star." I say, already bored, rolling my eyes. Another day, another dickhead. I'm starting to get used to this shit which is sad on so many levels.

"You _should_ be flattered. I don't go out with just anyone. I've been on award winning television shows. We won Oscars," he gloats proudly. "I'm sure you remember my recurring role on _Full House_." _Full_ _House? Seriously?_ When was that, the 1980's?! So this haughty assclown is a washed up child actor?"

"When you say 'we,' it's probably safe to assume that it was the _show_ and not your sporadic and mediocre adolescent over-acting that won said awards. Am I correct?"

He lets out a loud bark before an obnoxious sound—that I'm guessing is a laugh—erupts out of his thin, chapped lips.

"Oh my goodness! That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time! In fact, it was funnier than the time I made an appearance on _Step by Step_ and—"

"Wait, what? Were you talking? I think you've confused me for someone who gives a damn."

Can I really put up with this vinegar smelling buttchump for another two hours? Nah, probably not.

"Listen, _Royce King_, I'm going to the restroom. While I'm in there, why don't you take your time slipping into something more comfortable? Like a coma."

I walk off to the ladies room, leaving Royce standing there like the fool that he is. Hopefully he'll be long gone by the time I'm finished.

As soon as I enter the bathroom, the door whooshes open behind me. The door nearly knocks me down, since I'm so close to it.

"Watch the fuck out, goddamn dick—" The insult dies in my throat.

I can't believe my eyes. He's _here_. Edward! My eyes widen in shock and my brain loses all ability to function. He swiftly turns me around and forces me against a wall. Dumbfounded, I look into his face and his eyes are tempestuous, glowing with fury. A deep scowl embedded in his face.

His face is flushed, his breathing coming out in quick ragged gasps. He sluggishly lowers his lips to my ear, warm spurts of breath caressing my neck and causing a violent shudder of trepidation to run down my spine. "Who the _fuck_ was _that_, Bella?" he demands quietly, slowly, through clenched teeth—fire and rage oozing from his lips.

--------------

A/N:

He's back! Yay! But he's angry! Boo!

If you haven't checked it out yet, my new collab with Kitty Cullen-03 has been posted. Check it out in my profile, it's called Three's Company :-)

coachlady1 is so fuckawesome, it's scary. I swear I send her like 25 things a day to beta and she never complains. She. Is. Da. Shiznit.

So Blind Dates is sadly coming to a close *tear* I predict maybe two more chapters after this one and it'll be complete *iz sad*

Until next time, my loverlies. Smooches! ^_^


	17. Heated

**A/N:**

**So I know I've been total fail at updating. I feel horrible about it. Honestly, I've been purposely procrastinating because I don't want it to be over :-( This was my very first multi-chapter fic and I'm sad to see it almost ****coming to an ****end.**

**I appreciate each and every one of you. You have no idea how much. I want to thank you all for sticking with me through this crazy story of mine. It means a lot that you gave a little unknown like me a chance. Words just can't express how much I love you all (((HUGS)))**

**Without further ado, the moment we've all been waiting for. This chapter thoroughly kicked my ass! If you can't buy porn, I think you should shield your innocent little eyes from this one....**

---------------

"Who the _fuck_ was _that_, Bella?" he demands quietly, slowly, through clenched teeth—fire and rage oozing from his lips.

My blood chills when I hear the venom in his voice, the fury blazing in his eyes. I immediately drop my gaze from his face, ashamed of myself for my behavior. What was I thinking? Why was I even here? Royce King, who I'm sure has a shady history, was hardly worth losing Edward over. What have I done? How could I have done this?

Edward grabs my chin between his fingers, forcing my face upwards. "One more chance, Bella. _Who the fuck were you just on a date with?_"

I lower my eyes again, nervously worrying my bottom lip with my teeth. "I'm... I'm sorry—"

"Oh! You're _sorry_?! Well isn't that great? Everything is peachy keen again, because _you're sorry!_"

Something he says just makes me snap as my brain registers his words. The tone of his voice. The accusation behind his words. _Who the hell does he think he is?_

My eyes dart back up to meet his. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not back in town for a _day_ before—"

"Oh, yes, because you left me without a trace! Let's not forget your random disappearance! Or your not answering your phone! Or your not calling me for a fucking _week_! You have no fucking _right_ to question what I'm doing. I've been _here_, stewing in my filth for a fucking _week,_ waiting to hear your voice. Hoping you'd show up on my doorstep! No! _YOU... _you don't get to be the angry one, here!"

I'm fuming. My fists are shaking, nails biting into the flesh of my palm. My voice is shrill, manic. He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off with my laser death glare of doom. His mouth closes with an audible snap before I continue my tirade, arms flailing wildly in the air.

"This whole clusterfuck, sham of a relationship has been nothing but heartache for me from the goddamn beginning! I've been putting up with you and your precious, delicate girlfriend for a fucking _year,_ Edward, and I never fucking complained! I _never _complained to you! I fucking _waited_ for you while a little piece of me died every time you chose _her_ over me! I waited for you because I fucking love you, but you know what? I'm sick of waiting, goddamn you! So you can... kiss my ass!"

I push him out of my way and stomp toward the door, cursing under my breath, fighting back tears of anger. The fucking _nerve_!!!

When I reach the door, he grabs my upper arm and turns me around.

"Let me go, right now... _Fuckward!!!_"

His eyes soften and he smirks at me. Dickhead. "What the fuck are you smiling for?" I jerk my arm out of his grasp and poke my finger into his chest. He grabs my wrist and envelopes my hand in both of his before slowly interlacing our fingers.

"You love me?"

_Ummmm...._

"What?"

"When you were telling me to fuck myself," his grin broadens, "you said you love me."

My mouth drops open in disbelief. I can't believe I told him! I ruined it! We were waiting, and I ruined it! I told him I love him and followed it up by calling him "Fuckward." I'm an asshole. A sweaty, stinky, porn star asshole.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I'm speechless. "I..."

"Did you mean it?"

"What?" is my intelligent response.

He gently cups my cheek in his hand, grazing my cheek with his thumb. "Do you love me?"

I fidget with my fingers, avoiding his gaze, looking everywhere but at him. What is this, Twenty Questions? Damn! _Oh, quit being such a baby!_ _Just suck it up and answer him!_

I take a deep breath and exhale before chirping out a meek, almost inaudible, "Yes."

He beams at me and pulls me in for a bone crushing hug, laughing jovially.

"Wait a minute!" I yell, pushing him away. "You don't get to touch me and hug me and smile that damn smile at me! You _left_ me! What the fuck was so important that you left for a week without even sending me a fucking _smoke signal?_"

"I'm sorry about that, but it was an emergency—"

"You didn't answer my question. What bullshit excuse do you have? What the fuck dumb ass emergency was so important?"

"My grandma died."

If my life were a cartoon, this would be the point where my face turns ashen white before melting to the floor in mortification. Oh my god, I _am_ an asshole!

"Edward..." I gasp. I really don't know what to say. This has to be the most epic foot-in-mouth scenario ever. Even _Emmett _wouldn't joke about this... I don't think.

He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently squeezes. "It's okay, baby. I was her favorite grandkid, but I wasn't that close to her since she was so far away. She lived in Ireland and left me the sole executor of her estate when she passed. I've been out of the country, trying to divvy out properties and money and furniture and jewelry between bickering, greedy relatives..." He lets out a weak laugh. "It's been pretty fucking hectic. My work is still not done, but I had to come back and see you."

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I had no idea." I'm the lowest of the low. An amoeba turd.

"Don't apologize, Love. I'm fine, really."

"I just— I mean— I would never have—"

"I know."

I shake my head at my exceptional stupidity. "God, I'm sorry."

He backs me against a wall and pushes his body into mine. "I want you." His hand, which was planted firmly on my thigh, is now slowly moving upward, his teeth gently nipping at my neck.

"But," I squeak, "your lovely, dear old grandmother—"

"Is gone and in heaven, happy and smiling and rooting for me to finally make you mine." His hand is now cupping my sex beneath my skirt, roughly massaging my sensitive skin.

"Uuungh... but," another squeak, "precious, heavenly angels don't think about those types of things—"

"Trust me. My grandma would."

His fingertips make their way under my panties caressing my slit, moving painfully slowly, taunting me.

"But—"

"Shut up, Isabella."

"'Kay."

His lithe fingers continue their slow assault, leaving me panting and holding on to his shoulders for dear life because my legs are dangerously close to turning to jelly. The pace of his deft fingers slows until they're barely moving at all. I whimper pathetically until those beautiful digits finally sink into me. There is no hesitation, no gradual build up as his fingers work me mercilessly.

His tongue flicks my ear. "Can I have you tonight?"

My voice, along with my shame for doing this in a public place, has flown out of the window. _Good riddance_. I nod my head enthusiastically in answer to answer his question.

His thumb is now massaging my clit while those exquisite fingers are furiously pumping in and out of me. "I can't wait to feel you around my cock, Isabella."

My orgasm hits me with magnificent, blinding force as I cry out, clamping around Edward's fingers, shuddering from the beatific euphoria running through me. He holds me up as I ride it out, still moving those sultry fingers in and out of me.

He kisses me passionately, his tongue thrusting into my mouth as he grinds his erection into me.

"Right here, Edward. I can't wait anymore." I lick his jaw, trailing down his neck to his glorious Adam's apple, kissing and biting eagerly. He groans, his hips pushing into me with force.

"Fuck, I want you so bad, Bella."

"Take me. Right now."

I feel his hands at his zipper, working furiously to pull himself out. Finally, his stiffness is free and I can't help but lick my lips._ So perfect_. I hike my leg around his hip and he grabs his shaft, bringing it to my center, gliding his swollen tip against my opening. I momentarily space out, feeling our bodies rubbing together so intimately, _so close._ My breathing is labored and I'm trembling with anticipation.

He halts his movements, dropping his head against my shoulder, voice muffled by my blouse. "Fuck. We can't do this. Not here."

Before I can protest, we're half way to the parking lot. Edward is holding me tightly to his side, practically dragging me to his car. He pushes the button to unlock the doors and hurriedly shoves me in.

He mumbles out a half-assed, "Sorry," before slamming the door shut and running over to the driver's side.

As soon as he's in the car, we're already out of the parking lot, headed for my place. The tension in the car is palpable. I can see him straining against his jeans. Yummy.

I bring my knees underneath my body and turn to face him. He looks at me quizzically and I bat my eyelashes innocently while yanking down the zipper of his jeans. All the blood rushes to my ears when his erection pops out. It looks so hard... brawny... _powerful._

I think he may have protested a little, but I had tunnel vision and nothing could stop me. I lower myself and bring my lips to his bulbous head, kissing it reverently. _Hello, friend. I'm Bella and we're_ _gonna have lots of fun tonight. _

I wrap my lips around him and circle my tongue around the rim of his shaft before taking him fully into my mouth, concentrating on not gagging. _God, he's so hard._ I work my way up and down, switching between nibbling and licking his length. He grabs the back of my head and forces himself deeper into my throat, thrusting into my mouth. My eyes roll to the back of my skull and I moan loudly around him. So fucking hot.

I feel the car jerk to a stop and Edward quickly zips himself back up before grabbing my waist and pulling me through the driver's side door, jogging to the entryway to my place.

"Keys, keys, keys!"

I hand him my keys and he opens the door, pulling me inside. The door slams behind me and we're instantly a blur of hands and tongues, feeling, licking, kissing, groping, anything within our reach. When we finally make it to my bedroom, we're naked and panting urgently.

He begins zealously sucking my nipples and I reach for his stiff length. "I don't know how long I'll last."

"I don't care," I insist, pumping him in my eager hands, placing wet kisses across his chest.

He pushes me down on the bed and is instantly on top of me. "I'll try to be slow. I don't wanna be rough right now... but I'm not sure if I'll be able to control myself."

I pull his face to mine and kiss him sloppily, unable to restrain my lust any longer. "I don't fucking care, Edward."

That's all the encouragement he needs. He sinks into me slowly, my breaths coming out in labored gasps as he fills me absolutely and completely. _So hard_. My skin stinging as I'm being stretched to my limits. _So full_. Nothing could have prepared me for this. _So good_.

My eyes squeeze tightly shut. "Edward... oh my God..." I can feel every vein, every tendon of his divine length. He pauses in his movements, looking worriedly into my eyes.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?"

"No. Never."

He buries his face in my neck and continues his movements, slowly sliding in and out of me, beginning his unhurried, delectable onslaught. We both moan at the sublime feeling of finally being together. _Finally_. He's moving so slowly, so teasingly. Filling me completely before pulling out, tormentingly slow, leaving me feeling unbelievably empty before thrusting back into me again. _So deep_. Each sensual flex of his hips gradually escalating, increasing in intensity. He grabs my thighs to wrap around his torso and I clench myself around his hardness, his whispered name falling from my lips in quick succession.

He lowers his face to my chest, groaning against my skin, his warm mouth kissing, licking, murmuring. Driving me wild. "Jesus, Bella. Fuck... feels so good... you're everything to me. _Everything_."

"I love you, Edward... so much."

He brings his arms behind my back before snaking his hands under and around my shoulders, holding me firmly is his grasp. "I need you. I need you..."

He pulls his hips back and slams into me. I suck in a gush of air, surprised at the sudden change in pace, my body straining to accommodate him. My nails claw at his back as he pulls out and plunges into me again and again. Deeper and deeper. My breath is ragged, legs going weak as I meet him thrust for thrust. His fingers dig into the skin of my shoulders.

Heat languidly slithers through my body, driving me mad. The sensation of him, our combined sounds as we lose ourselves in passion, the sight of his muscles rippling and flexing sensuously with each poignant thrust... it's almost too much... it's not enough. My senses are heightened exceptionally, propelling me to the brink. I can't take it. I fist my hands in his hair, pulling slightly... becoming frenzied, unhinged, at the mercy of the beautiful man above me.

I'm gasping for air. So close. "...Edward..." I arch my back and push my body into him, needing to feel more of his heated skin against mine.

"Too goddamn good... I'm gonna come."

He licks up the column of my neck before pausing at my ear, his labored breathing intensifying as he takes my lobe between his teeth. "Come with me, baby."

And I do. My orgasm scorching through my body, muscles coiling deliciously as I fiercely grip his hair, pulling him to me as I lose myself, screaming his name. Wave after endless wave, pummeling me, enrapturing me, before finally releasing in a blast of ecstasy.

Edward's movements become frantic as he drives into me with wild abandon, his hands moving down to my hips, gripping tightly, holding me steady. Suddenly his body goes rigid, mouth dropping open, as I feel him throbbing relentlessly, yelling a few obscenities as our fluids mingle inside of me.

He collapses on top of me, surrounding me in his scent. His lips meet mine tenderly. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"That was so amazing, Bella." I can hear the smile in his voice.

I'm sporting a goofy grin of my own right now. "I know."

We lay in comfortable silence, floating on air, on cloud nine, in seventh heaven... shit, we're just happy as hell right now.

"Hey," he breaks the silence.

"Hmm?"

I feel his weight lean off of the bed for a few seconds before he comes back to his spot and asks, "Wanna play Aimless Questions?"

"'Kay. You go first."

"How are you feeling?"

I smile even wider before kissing his jaw. "There are no words... what was your favorite part of tonight?"

"The car ride."

I roll my eyes. That _would_ be his answer. Such a guy.

"When we have kids, do you want a boy or a girl, first?" he questions.

"A boy, so he can be as wonderful as his Daddy." He kisses my forehead. "Hey, how did you find me earlier?"

"I was on the street, almost to your place when I saw your car pulling out, so I followed you. Who was that asshole you were with?"

I sigh loudly. "Royce King, asshole extraordinaire. Why didn't you call me while you were gone?"

Now it's his turn to sigh loudly. "The first day I arrived in Ireland, I suffered from jetlag and slept the day away. When I woke up, my phone was dead and in my haste, I forgot my charger. I had to order one online and have it shipped to me because I don't know your number and it was on my phone." He gives me a sheepish look and I playfully slap his chest.

"The next few days were busy, unbelievably hectic. By the time my days were over, I'd be too tired to even speak. After four days or so, I got my charger and I called you right away, anxious to hear your voice. I cleared my morning schedule, which didn't go over well with the greedy relatives, and tried calling... I don't even know how many times. I was desperate. I called both phones for days and I couldn't even leave a message because your inbox was full."

"Um... I turned my phone off."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

"Long story. Anyway, your turn"

"Do you have any names for our kids?"

"Anthony for a boy and Brielle for a girl. I've always loved that name. Do you have any names?"

"Well, I was thinking Renesmee for a girl—"

"Oh hell no! Hell. No. What the fuck kind of name is that? Sorry, Teddy, but you have officially lost, and shit on, your baby naming privileges."

He chuckles and pulls me tightly against his firm chest. "God, I love you."

"And I love you."

"I can never get tired of hearing those words come out of those luscious lips of yours."

"I. Love. You." Each word is peppered in between kisses.

"You make me so happy, you make me a better man, and bring out the best in me, Bella."

"Okay, okay, enough! You're gonna make me blush myself to death! Your turn."

He gently grabs my hand, playing with my fingers. "Will you marry me?" I feel a cool band being slipped onto my finger.

"Wh—what?"

"Marry me and I'll spend the rest of my days trying to give you a fraction of the joy that you've given me."

_Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!_

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh my God, yes!"

I bounce on top of him, smiling and laughing and kissing every inch of his face. "I love you! Yes! We're getting married!" I squeal in jubilation.

He holds my hips to steady me. "Um, baby, I don' know if you wanna do that."

I feel him stiffening below me. _Oh._

"And what if I do?" I tease, biting my lip.

I lift up and slowly lower myself onto him, eyes closing in bliss. We make love slowly and tenderly before falling asleep, a mass of euphoric, tangled limbs.

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**A/N:**

**So how was the sexin'? I hope it was everything you were were hoping for! **

**One more chapter, my lovelies! I iz so sad :'-( **

**If you haven't left me a review yet, you gotta do it! Our journey is almost over, so let me know what you think!**

**None of this would be possible without coachlady1. This story would have been totally different (and super sucky) if it weren't for her guidance. You guys would have hated me. Seriously. **

**I love you all! Until next time! Smooches! ^_^ **


	18. Dare to Dream

***sad face* Here it is. The final chapter. I really hope you all enjoy it. I'll be starting a new story in about two weeks, I hope to see some (or all!) of you there!**

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Hearing a strange sound, Edward awoke from a deep sleep, his foggy brain having difficulty discerning where the peculiar sound was coming from. Figuring it was nothing of importance, he lay his head back down and allowed his eyes to droop closed.

The noise sounded again, only this time, Edward had no trouble in knowing where it came from. Panic overtook him, making his heart race triple time. He knew he was prone to overreacting, but he couldn't help but worry, alarm making his breaths come out in quick bursts.

Edward took a few deep breaths to calm himself, to clear his head before making a rash decision. _These things happen. No big deal._ He thought to himself. More calming breaths. _No reason to be alarmed. Don't panic. Everything is okay. No big deal. Nope. Not a big deal at all. Go back to bed. Lie back down and stop hovering._

The bed once again vibrated from the loud intonation of the gurgling, the groaning.

Unable to take anymore, Edward sprung his body forward, sitting upright.

"Bella?" he blurted, shaking his lover from her sleep.

She didn't respond in the way he had hoped, for she didn't wake. Her only acknowledgment to his attempts were loud, heart-wrenching cries, her back arching off of the bed.

"Oh God! Bella, baby, please wake up!" _This isn't good, it isn't healthy! _He shook her with more fervor, desperate for her to wake up from this night terror. Her loud cries and pleas reverberated through his bones, spiking his anxiety to an all-time high.

Although this only happened sporadically, he knew it was to be expected. That fact didn't make this any easier on him.

Her head began thrashing violently, body writhing under the pillows, a sheen of sweat covering her body as her sounds intensified.

Edward shook Bella with all his might, yelling her name, his voice cracking with fear. He usually reveled in the fact that she was now such a heavy sleeper, for he was free to wake up and use the restroom without fear of rousing his beloved. He knew that her body desperately needed its rest. But now... now Edward despised it. He hated it for keeping her trapped in her mind, caged in her nightmares.

With one final jerk, Bella's eyes shot open.

"Edward?!"

Bella looked around the dark room, her heart thudding relentlessly in her chest. She began urgently looking around, arms extended, intent on finding her love in the blackness surrounding her.

"I'm here. I'm here."

Suddenly she was wrapped in Edward's arms and all was well again.

"I thought you were a dream," she choked. "You're really here."

Edward held Bella in his arms, her head resting on his chest as he rocked her, consoling and soothing her until her heart calmed to a steady beat. She took a deep breath and reached her lips to his stubbled jaw, kissing her favorite part of him.

"You scared me," he admitted, although his voice revealed that he was _still_ worried.

"I'm sorry I woke up like that. I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't. Well, not then, anyway. I'd been up for a few minutes—you were making noises and it scared me."

Bella rolled her eyes at his absurdity. "Edward, I told you not to worry about my nightmares! Having weird ass dreams is normal, don't you listen to anything your mother, Rose and I tell you?"

"Of course I do, but I can't help myself. I wish there was something—anything I could do about it. I feel so helpless." He began softly rubbing the skin of her neck, her shoulder, her arm.

"Well, there's nothing you _can_ do, so stop worrying about things that you have no control over."

"Are you going to write it down?" he prodded. "Don't want to forget anything for your dream book. It might come in handy for the next time."

Bella chuckled and shook her head. "No. I don't need to write it down. I don't think I'll ever forget that dream. It was so vivid. So real." A shudder jolted through her body as she remembered the strange dream she had just awoken from.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"Um, I don't know. It was really weird."

Edward laughed bemusedly, kissing Bella on the top of her head. "It can't be weirder than the one where I was a sparkly 109-year-old vampire who fell in love with a human 17-year-old version of you..."

"I don't think it topped that one, but it's definitely up there."

"Well? Tell me."

"To make a long story short, I was single and lonely. Rose and Al made me go on blind dates and they were horrible—a guy addicted to jacking off, another with anger issues, and one was wanted by the FBI for being a drug lord. You get the picture.

"Anyway, you came into the picture and it was love at first sight. Really intense. I took you home and we were about to have sex when you told me you had a girlfriend. So we still saw each other even though you were in a relationship—"

"Wait, you still wanted to be with me even though I had someone? Whoa, that _is_ weird."

"Shut up, it was a dream. Dreams don't have to make sense, Teddy. Anyway after a year you finally broke up with her—"

"You stayed with me for a _year_ while I was involved with another woman?"

"Don't cut me off again or I'll knock you out so hard, when you wake up, your clothes'll be out of style."

He guffawed into her hair but stayed silent, nonetheless. He knew not to push his luck.

"So finally after a year, we had a chance to have sex. But you left me because you had to leave the country. Your grandma died. You came back and you fingered me in a public restroom. Then I sucked you off in the car. Then we had mind-blowing sex in my bed. The end."

"Mmmm, I like the mind-blowing sex part," he mumbled into Bella's neck, rubbing his now growing erection into her thigh.

Bella rolled her eyes. Out of everything she'd just said, the only part he remembered was their having sex. _What a man. _"Yeah. Too bad you aren't getting any. I need my sleep, since me and Al are going shopping tomorrow."

"You've done more shopping recently than you have in your entire life," he teased. "Why isn't Rose going?"

"She was put on bed rest. Since she had that scare, the doctors aren't taking any chances. Especially with triplets."

"Triplets. Can you imagine?" The look of horror on Edward's face didn't get past Bella and she inwardly rolled her eyes. _Men can be such wimpy babies._

"Well, Rose'll definitely be getting her tubes tied after these little ones are born. She's pretty positive four will be more than enough."

"Will you and Alice be taking Lily shopping with you, or is Jas gonna be forced to watch her again?"

"Forced?! He's her _father!_ Men are such assholes, acting like it's such a goddamn _chore_ to watch your own kids! And then, when you do watch them for three whole minutes, you expect some kind of fucking award! Like you're gonna get a goddamn pat on the back and endless praise and adoration. Get over yourselves, fucking pricks! Women do that shit all damn day and get _nothing_—"

"Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

Bella crossed her arms and poked her lip out, lying on the bed and rolling away from Edward. He lay down and cradled her, pulling her body into his.

"You know I didn't mean it like that," he went on. "I'm sorry."

Edward began kissing Bella's neck slowly while using his free hand to knead her back.

"Whatever. I'm over it. I'm hungry now."

Edward had the urge to remind her that she had just eaten not even a full four hours ago, damn near devouring a _trough _of food. But he bit his lip, knowing that his comparing her to a horse would not go over very well. Not at all.

"Taco Bell again?"

She turned in his arms and beamed at him, this act alone making his love for her grow even more than he thought possible.

"Yep. With extra sauce packets. Hot, not Fire. Fire is too hot for my sensitive taste buds."

"I know, baby." He kissed her slowly, adoringly, before lowering his face to his wife's protruding belly and placed a gentle kiss on the now moving bulge.

The sight of her husband kissing her baby bump made Bella glow with happiness. She couldn't stop the proud smile from cracking her face as she ran her fingers through his soft hair, committing this precious moment to memory.

"He always moves like crazy when he hears your voice near," she whispered softly, not wanting to ruin the moment.

Edward pressed his lips onto Bella's ever expanding skin while poking her adorably distended belly button. "You stop trying to bruise your mommy's ribs, little guy. I know you're super tough, but you gotta wait until you're _out _to beat people up."

Bella smacked his arm. "He's not beating _anyone _up, Edward Cullen!"

"Sure he is. He's gonna be a man's man."

Bella rolled her eyes for the millionth time. "Are you getting my food or what?"

"I was just having a conversation with my child, we're bonding."

"You can bond while I'm eating."

"Anything you want, my queen," he lilted. Before getting up, Edward placed kisses around the surface of his wife's belly, feeling immense love for the woman who was carrying his first child. He honestly couldn't be happier and wouldn't change a thing. _Well, except for maybe the mood swings._

Although completely irrational, Edward peeked up at his wife's face to make sure she hadn't heard his last thought. The calm look on her face assured him that, no, she did _not_ hear his thoughts. He smiled and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Is my face funny to you?"

"What? No! You're beautiful, baby."

"I'm fat and ugly. You're gonna cheat on me. I know it!"

"Baby, I'd never cheat on you. You're the love of my life and you've made me so happy over the years. Ever since high school, you remember?"

"Yeah..." She hiccupped.

"We were made for each other and I only have eyes for you. Always."

"Promise you won't go and have sex with some five-dollar hooker?"

Edward knew that laughing wouldn't help the situation, but a small one bubbled out of his lips before he could stop it and he quickly covered it up with a loud cough. _So ridiculous_, he thought before making sure she didn't hear his silent musings.

"I promise, love. You want an empanada, too?"

Her face lit up at the mention of food. "Yes! Get three of them, just in case."

He kissed her lips one last time, holding back a chuckle, before getting out of bed. As he put his clothes on and walked out of the door, he thought,

_Yeah, I'd definitely change the mood swings._

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**So there we have it. The final chapter. It was all a dream! Hahaha! Aw, a nice, fluffy ending *happy face***

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